“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 4

Four teams are still winless. Three of them seemingly don’t need quarterbacks. One team is starving for a franchise QB. And while one 0-4 team can’t seemingly keep losing with such a talented young offense, and another can’t keep losing because it has the best running back in the NFL, the other two seem poised for a collision course of suck for the remainder of this season. It should be quite exciting.

As a reminder, these rankings are in reverse order and are based on the theory that Stanford QB Andrew Luck will be the first pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, even though he’s a junior and may not even declare. There are clearly many teams that don’t need a QB, so they’re not going to be ranked toward the top of this list, especially if they win games. I only mention this because one of my friends actually complained to me on Friday that I ranked the Philadelphia Eagles too low because “they’re better than their record.” Settle down, this is just for fun. Also, they’re not.

What’s that you say? Enough with my imaginary friends and on with the Suck For Luck Power(less) Rankings? Your wish is Chad Henne’s worthless injured shoulder my command.

Come on, it's not like your poor play could lead to the drafting of a guy who will replace you or anything.

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-4) – The defining moment of the 2011 Colts season came when Jim Irsay said that the team would bring in Dan Orlovsky and Brodie Croyle to possibly bolster the QB situation when Kerry Collins went down with a case of being terrible. The Colts could have brought in David Garrard or Marc Bulger and made a run for it, and you can certainly argue that Curtis Painter knows Peyton Manning’s playbook and deserves a shot, but it sure as hell smelled like a surrender.

2) Miami Dolphins (0-4) – Tony Sparano has supplanted Todd Haley as Numero Uno on the hot seat list, but the 47 people who claim ownership in the Dolphins have given him their vote of confidence. This team is so wildly desperate for a QB that Sparano should have the offense take a knee on every play this season. But he’s going to end up winning 3 or 4 games before he’s fired at the end of the season and replaced by Brian Billick or Jim Mora Jr., thus keeping the suck alive for many years to come.

Humiliating Update: Chad Henne may be out for the season, so the Dolphins reportedly contacted both David Garrard and Jake Delhomme today. They both said, No thanks.

3) Minnesota Vikings (0-4) – Somewhere Brad Childress is sitting in a dark room, sipping a glass of scotch, twirling his mustache and cackling maniacally. I can’t wait for CBS to hire Donovan McNabb as an analyst so I can hear him, Dan Marino, and Boomer Esiason talk about what QBs need to be winners. Should be a hoot.

4) St. Louis Rams (0-4) – Can we all chip in and buy this team a top receiver? By the way, if you’re not monitoring Mark Clayton’s Week 6 or 7 return in your fantasy leagues, start doing it now.

5) Kansas City (1-3) – Congrats, Todd Haley, you beat the Vikings. I still say that Haley is fired before Sparano, just because he’s a cranky jackass. Who would have thought that losing Charlie Weis was a bad thing?

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