Four teams are still winless. Three of them seemingly don’t need quarterbacks. One team is starving for a franchise QB. And while one 0-4 team can’t seemingly keep losing with such a talented young offense, and another can’t keep losing because it has the best running back in the NFL, the other two seem poised for a collision course of suck for the remainder of this season. It should be quite exciting.
As a reminder, these rankings are in reverse order and are based on the theory that Stanford QB Andrew Luck will be the first pick of the 2012 NFL Draft, even though he’s a junior and may not even declare. There are clearly many teams that don’t need a QB, so they’re not going to be ranked toward the top of this list, especially if they win games. I only mention this because one of my friends actually complained to me on Friday that I ranked the Philadelphia Eagles too low because “they’re better than their record.” Settle down, this is just for fun. Also, they’re not.
What’s that you say? Enough with my imaginary friends and on with the Suck For Luck Power(less) Rankings? Your wish is
Chad Henne’s worthless injured shoulder my command.
1) Indianapolis Colts (0-4) – The defining moment of the 2011 Colts season came when Jim Irsay said that the team would bring in Dan Orlovsky and Brodie Croyle to possibly bolster the QB situation when Kerry Collins went down with a case of being terrible. The Colts could have brought in David Garrard or Marc Bulger and made a run for it, and you can certainly argue that Curtis Painter knows Peyton Manning’s playbook and deserves a shot, but it sure as hell smelled like a surrender.
2) Miami Dolphins (0-4) – Tony Sparano has supplanted Todd Haley as Numero Uno on the hot seat list, but the 47 people who claim ownership in the Dolphins have given him their vote of confidence. This team is so wildly desperate for a QB that Sparano should have the offense take a knee on every play this season. But he’s going to end up winning 3 or 4 games before he’s fired at the end of the season and replaced by Brian Billick or Jim Mora Jr., thus keeping the suck alive for many years to come.
Humiliating Update: Chad Henne may be out for the season, so the Dolphins reportedly contacted both David Garrard and Jake Delhomme today. They both said, No thanks.
3) Minnesota Vikings (0-4) – Somewhere Brad Childress is sitting in a dark room, sipping a glass of scotch, twirling his mustache and cackling maniacally. I can’t wait for CBS to hire Donovan McNabb as an analyst so I can hear him, Dan Marino, and Boomer Esiason talk about what QBs need to be winners. Should be a hoot.
4) St. Louis Rams (0-4) – Can we all chip in and buy this team a top receiver? By the way, if you’re not monitoring Mark Clayton’s Week 6 or 7 return in your fantasy leagues, start doing it now.
5) Kansas City (1-3) – Congrats, Todd Haley, you beat the Vikings. I still say that Haley is fired before Sparano, just because he’s a cranky jackass. Who would have thought that losing Charlie Weis was a bad thing?
6) Seattle Seahawks (1-3) – Hey, the Seahawks may be terrible, have invested their next few years in a terrible QB, and wasted a draft pick on their backup QB, but at least Pete Carroll likes to hug. Everyone needs a good hug.
7) Arizona Cardinals (1-3) – Beanie Wells ran for 3 touchdowns in Arizona’s loss to the New York Giants, who I will talk about soon enough with their bullsh*t win. But with Wells finally coming around, Fitzgerald producing as he always does, and Kevin Kolb starting to really get it, at what point does Rod Graves or Mike Bidwell pick up the phone, call Philadelphia and ask for Asante Samuel for a draft pick or two? Quit being so shy and just call.
8) Denver Broncos (1-3) – I don’t want to pour salt on the wounds of Broncos fans, but I really enjoyed John Fox f*cking with them this week. Playing Tebow for one snap and saying, “Oh well, didn’t work” was such a phenomenal STFU moment. He’s going to love telling that story to the Div. II college team he’s coaching in two years.
9) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3) – If the Jaguars get Blaine Gabbert a top receiver taller than the average Smurf, he could have a really solid career. You know, in Los Angeles. But I found this field issue in Jacksonville to be rather appropriate:
10) Carolina Panthers (1-3) – Is anyone else feeling the fantasy football angst and bitterness of Steve Smith’s resurgence? I had him for two terrible years and now this happens. Also, good job by DeAngelo Williams getting that contract and not having to play well.
11) Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) – Look, we all know the season is far from over and teams have come back from worse starts. But this is really enjoyable for those of us who wanted to throw a padlock at Vince Young when he called this a “Dream Team.” So Eagles fans, I know you’re stressed and pissy, but just know – it gets better.
12) Cincinnati Bengals (2-2) – I predict that the Bengals will be hanging tough with a 5-4 record, when a piss drunk Carson Palmer shows up to team facilities on Tuesday morning in Week 11, claiming he’s ready to play. I just need that humor in my life.
13) Cleveland Browns (2-2) – Is Colt McCoy the most underrated quarterback in the NFL? I say yes. I also thought about it less than other things like, “What does Nancy Grace’s nipple really look like?” and “Courtney Stodden was born a man, right?”
14) Dallas Cowboys (2-2) – Fox Sports spent the Sunday pregame slobbing Tony Romo’s heroics from Week 3 before the Cowboys blew a two-touchdown lead in the 4th quarter against the Lions. I assume this video sums up most Cowboys fans’ feelings:
Ah, that’s some good parenting right there.
(Via Black Sports Online)
15) Oakland Raiders (2-2) – Screw Arizona, at what point does Oakland call Philadelphia and ask for Asante Samuel? Get this team a solid defense and I can’t even imagine how much fun the Raiders could be. Maybe even fun enough that their fans won’t have to stab people.
16) Atlanta Falcons (2-2) – What’s the problem here, Falcons? You’re supposed to be good. Hell, you’re supposed to be awesome. You’re really screwing up our gambling, guys. Get it together soon, please.
17) Chicago Bears (2-2) – Jay Cutler might be back with Kristin Cavallari. Whatever, as long as he never breaks up with Matt Forte. A nation of fantasy football owners with late first/early second round picks are punching themselves in the balls like crazy right now. *points to self*
18) New York Jets (2-2) – Don’t worry, Jets fans. According to your head coach, you have an elite quarterback who is just slightly lower than Peyton Manning (when healthy), Tom Brady, and Drew Brees. So Mark Sanchez is still right there with Aaron Rodgers and Philip Rivers. Oh, and just like the previous two seasons the Jets will win the Super Bowl, so this is all pretty pointless.
19) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) – If Ben Roethlisberger keeps getting knocked down at this rate, he’s going to end up talking like that guy in The Great Outdoors who was struck by lightning s-s-s-six-six-six-six-six-six-sixty-sixty-six times.
20) New York Giants (3-1) – Anybody else lose their fantasy matchup this week because Victor Cruz “gave himself up”? That horsesh*t call led to Eli Manning’s touchdown and Arizona’s third loss. How Ken Whisenhunt didn’t simply explode with anger on that call, I’ll never know. And I don’t care if it’s a real call, it’s not college. The play ends when a guy is touched. I am still way too angry over this.
21) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) – Jon Gruden called Tampa’s decision to trade up in the 2009 Draft to select Josh Freeman “one of the smartest decisions in this franchise’s history.” Considering “this franchise” is the Bucs, that doesn’t say much at all.
22) San Francisco 49ers (3-1) – I reiterate my question from Week 1: Can the 49ers win this poop chute division with Alex Smith playing at a slightly-above-adequate level? The answer is already yes.
23) Washington Redskins (3-1) – If you had Week 4 in the “When will Mike Shanahan f*ck over every person who drafted Tim Hightower by once again pushing Ryan Torain?” pool, then you are the big winner.
24) Buffalo Bills (3-1) – This is appropriate:Subscribe to UPROXX
25) Tennessee Titans (3-1) – If Chris Johnson can get back in the flow and become Chris Johnson again, this team is going to cause some headaches. And that really sucks for Houston.
26) Houston Texans (3-1) – Houston should walk away with this division this season. Now Andre Johnson could be out for a few weeks, leaving the burden on Arian Foster’s hamstring and whatever it is that causes Owen Daniels to get injured every season.
27) San Diego Chargers (3-1) – I feel like the Chargers could be 15-1 and we’d all still be like, “Yeah OK, Chargers, you’ll do great in the playoffs” and then just stare Norv Turner in the eyes while we dismissively wank.
28) New Orleans Saints (3-1) – Jeff Ireland and the Miami Dolphins front office are almost certainly watching Saints games, saying things like, “This time we won’t let Brees get away in free agency,” while not realizing that they don’t have anything close to Lance Moore, Robert Meachem, Devery Henderson, Jimmy Graham, and Darren Sproles.
29) Baltimore Ravens (3-1) – If everyone stays healthy, this team could easily go 14-2 or 13-3, which sucks because I can’t even make fun of them for anything.
30) New England Patriots (3-1) – Tom Brady is no longer on pace for 7,000 yards this season. What a joke.