“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 5

We’re finally starting to see a bit of separation in the rankings, at least now that Kansas City realized that it can still defeat the really crappy teams and the Minnesota Vikings remembered that they just paid Adrian Peterson a gajillion dollars to lean on him for the next few years. Unfortunately, the Indianapolis Colts don’t even care if they’re not fooling anyone at this point. Hell, even the Colts’ owner, Jim Irsay, isn’t keeping his desire to draft Andrew Luck a secret anymore.

But the Colts still have some tough competition, as the Miami Dolphins and St. Louis Rams both had bye weeks and therefore remained winless, so the quest for the golden arm and Lucky charm (*throws football at own groin*) is still a hot one. It gets even more exciting now, as other teams are dropping into the mix thanks to cupcake wins by the equally hapless Chiefs and Vikings. Oh what a time to be alive, friends. Let’s point and laugh at the losers!

"I am going to be completely obvious about this..."

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-5) – By now, most people – myself included – think that the Colts are going to tank the season on purpose to secure that No. 1 pick. The problem is that losing every game without looking like you’re trying to lose every game is incredibly difficult. It’s also very unfair to the teams that legitimately suck. Jim Irsay believes that the Colts are 4-1 if Peyton Manning is healthy. I agree. Tanking the season to invest in the team’s future is like the U.S. sending aid shipments to the Sudan and hijacking them. The Colts are just being mean.

2) Miami Dolphins (0-4) – Of course, I’m a Dolphins fan so calling the Colts a bunch of d*cks is just me being bitter. But how bad is it for the Dolphins? David Garrard, Trent Edwards and Jake Delhomme reportedly turned them down. The main reason for this is that the Dolphins still intend to move ahead with Matt Moore as the starter, but the question remains – who the f*ck does Garrard think he is to turn down any team?

3) St. Louis Rams (0-4) – As I write this, I’m currently visiting family in St. Louis and basking in the glory of the St. Louis Cardinals Game 2 slaughter of the Milwaukee Brewers in the NLCS. It’s because of that win that I can confidently say that nobody in this town even cares about the Rams right now. I’m sure that if the Rams started out differently – you know, like they were supposed to – and were winning, it would be a different story, but right now St. Louis is 1) Cardinals, 2) Blues… 194) Rams.

4) Arizona Cardinals (1-4) – The Cardinals’ defense is a complete disaster and Kevin Kolb has been a certified dud thus far, showing only minor flashes of promise. This team went from “on the verge of greatness” to, well, the Arizona Cardinals in a matter of a few seasons. I’d really love it if someone conducted a full investigation on why it’s so damn hard for the NFC West teams to create a winning franchise and remain consistent. The Rams did it, then the Seahawks followed, and now the Cards are awful. It’s really fascinating.

5) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4) – If the Jaguars were smart, they would tank the rest of the season – including losing to the Colts on purpose – and try to hop into that top draft spot. If a team that doesn’t need a QB ends up with the No. 1 pick, they’re in for a bounty of draft picks in a trade. The Jaguars could totally use those additional picks to draft more midget wide receivers for Blaine Gabbert.

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