We’re finally starting to see a bit of separation in the rankings, at least now that Kansas City realized that it can still defeat the really crappy teams and the Minnesota Vikings remembered that they just paid Adrian Peterson a gajillion dollars to lean on him for the next few years. Unfortunately, the Indianapolis Colts don’t even care if they’re not fooling anyone at this point. Hell, even the Colts’ owner, Jim Irsay, isn’t keeping his desire to draft Andrew Luck a secret anymore.
But the Colts still have some tough competition, as the Miami Dolphins and St. Louis Rams both had bye weeks and therefore remained winless, so the quest for the golden arm and Lucky charm (*throws football at own groin*) is still a hot one. It gets even more exciting now, as other teams are dropping into the mix thanks to cupcake wins by the equally hapless Chiefs and Vikings. Oh what a time to be alive, friends. Let’s point and laugh at the losers!
1) Indianapolis Colts (0-5) – By now, most people – myself included – think that the Colts are going to tank the season on purpose to secure that No. 1 pick. The problem is that losing every game without looking like you’re trying to lose every game is incredibly difficult. It’s also very unfair to the teams that legitimately suck. Jim Irsay believes that the Colts are 4-1 if Peyton Manning is healthy. I agree. Tanking the season to invest in the team’s future is like the U.S. sending aid shipments to the Sudan and hijacking them. The Colts are just being mean.
2) Miami Dolphins (0-4) – Of course, I’m a Dolphins fan so calling the Colts a bunch of d*cks is just me being bitter. But how bad is it for the Dolphins? David Garrard, Trent Edwards and Jake Delhomme reportedly turned them down. The main reason for this is that the Dolphins still intend to move ahead with Matt Moore as the starter, but the question remains – who the f*ck does Garrard think he is to turn down any team?
3) St. Louis Rams (0-4) – As I write this, I’m currently visiting family in St. Louis and basking in the glory of the St. Louis Cardinals Game 2 slaughter of the Milwaukee Brewers in the NLCS. It’s because of that win that I can confidently say that nobody in this town even cares about the Rams right now. I’m sure that if the Rams started out differently – you know, like they were supposed to – and were winning, it would be a different story, but right now St. Louis is 1) Cardinals, 2) Blues… 194) Rams.
4) Arizona Cardinals (1-4) – The Cardinals’ defense is a complete disaster and Kevin Kolb has been a certified dud thus far, showing only minor flashes of promise. This team went from “on the verge of greatness” to, well, the Arizona Cardinals in a matter of a few seasons. I’d really love it if someone conducted a full investigation on why it’s so damn hard for the NFC West teams to create a winning franchise and remain consistent. The Rams did it, then the Seahawks followed, and now the Cards are awful. It’s really fascinating.
5) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4) – If the Jaguars were smart, they would tank the rest of the season – including losing to the Colts on purpose – and try to hop into that top draft spot. If a team that doesn’t need a QB ends up with the No. 1 pick, they’re in for a bounty of draft picks in a trade. The Jaguars could totally use those additional picks to draft more midget wide receivers for Blaine Gabbert.
6) Minnesota Vikings (1-4) – In the NBA, as long as your team has one elite level player, it should always be able to win at least 40 games and make the playoffs. For instance, as long as the Orlando Magic have Dwight Howard, they’ll be a playoff team. Obviously that’s not much longer, but just follow me here. I know it’s harder for NFL teams because teamwork is so much more important, but as long as the Vikings have Adrian Peterson, they should win at least 8 games a season. That’s how bad Donovan McNabb is.
7) Carolina Panthers (1-4) – The Panthers may be the best 1-4 team ever. Sure, they may not win many more games this season, and the football gods know that they’re better off sucking themselves into another Top 5 pick for the sake of building their defense, but Cam Newton and Co. are at least making losing look like a lot of fun.
8) Denver Broncos (1-4) – The Tim Tebow era finally began and fans are excited about the former Florida Gator for his 4-10 passing performance, since it included one passing and one rushing TD. It also included him spinning around like a wounded toddler before a laser beam hail mary pass, but you take what you can get. And if I’m John Elway, I’m on the phone with the Dolphins begging them to take Kyle Orton for a 5th rounder.
9) Philadelphia Eagles (1-4) – It’s amazing that the Eagles are this low, but it sure is fun. To think, we wouldn’t be laughing so much at their misfortune had Vince Young not opened his big, stupid mouth and invoking “Dream Team” status. How many times have we ever witnessed a backup QB causing this much media grief for his team? Young is the only guy. Regardless, this team should finish better, but Reid is probably harrumphing himself to sleep at night while clutching a photo of Luck.
10) Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) – Todd Haley has managed to stop the ship from sinking, but this team is still a long way away from really mattering this season. Without Jamaal Charles, it’s all about Band-Aids and morphine. We can’t play the Colts every week.
11) Seattle Seahawks (2-3) – Tavaris Jackson has a strained pectoral muscle, but he isn’t expected to miss any time. I don’t know, is that supposed to be good news or bad news? Sure, this team has won two games, and as long as the Hawks get to play the Cardinals and Rams again, they’ll win two more. It’s still pretty sad, though, when the highlight of your season is circling games against the Rams and Cardinals.
12) New York Jets (2-3) – Settle down, Jets fans. I’m only ranking Rex Ryan’s struggling squad this high for the purpose of discussion. Let’s be honest – Mark Sanchez is a terrible QB. He’s been surrounded with quality pieces on offense and he just can’t get the job done. He can chase high school tail on a Namathian level, but when it comes to winning, he’s regressing from the Dilferian progress he’s shown in the playoffs the past two seasons. Ryan and the Jets’ brass have to be thinking in the back of their inflated senses of self worth that they need to find a new QB. Or maybe they’ll just add more receivers for Sanchez to overthrow.
13) Cleveland Browns (2-2) – The AFC North is a bit of a mess right now. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that the Browns could win a few and at least make a run at the Wild Card. In reality, the Baltimore Ravens should run away with the division, but anything can happen in the next few weeks. Well, anything but Pittsburgh’s offensive line getting healthy.
14) Chicago Bears (2-3) – I’d love to see Jay Cutler with competent receivers at some point. I’m not a Bears fan by any means, but I think we could at least end the discussion on whether or not Cutler is an overrated marshmallow incapable of winning if we had a chance to actually watch him throw to quality receivers. Maybe put him in a Jets uniform.
15) Dallas Cowboys (2-2) – The most enjoyable part of this NFL season so far has been Week 5. That’s because it was Dallas’ bye week and we didn’t have to hear anything about Tony Romo. We could fire him into the sun on a rocket tomorrow and I would still yell, “Not soon enough!”
16) Atlanta Falcons (2-3) – After their loss to the Green Bay Packers Sunday night, the Falcons were accused of playing dirty and showing disrespect to the defending champions by some of the Green Bay players. This is a continuation of the complaints that both teams had about each other from last year’s playoff matchup. I guess the question is – is there a feud in the NFL that we care less about right now?
17) Tennessee Titans (3-2) – See below.
18) Houston Texans (3-2) – One of these two teams is going to win the AFC South this season because the Colts gave up and the Jaguars are still the Jaguars. Meanwhile, both teams have lost their star receivers and are playing for their lives just five weeks into the season. The Texans obviously have the advantage with Arian Foster playing like the guy who should have just received $30 million guaranteed, while Chris Johnson plays like the guy who we’d never heard of before last season.
19) Cincinnati Bengals (3-2) – It’s such a miracle that the Bengals are playing well enough to win three games that sports talk radio hosts are actually praising Marvin Lewis again. He may even have a job next year, which could possibly push him past Jack Del Rio in the “How the Hell is He Still Employed?” rankings.
20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2) – The Bucs have scored the same amount of points as the Colts this season, while their defense has only allowed 11 less points. I’m not saying that really means anything, but if I’m a team that really sucks, I’m going to start calling the Colts out soon.
21) New York Giants (3-2) – Has Victor Cruz passed Mario Manningham as the Giants’ No. 2 receiver? Yes. Should you drop Manningham in your fantasy leagues so people like me can pick him up? Yes. We conclude today’s edition of “Totally Irrational and Selfish Fantasy Football Advice.”
22) Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2) – The Steelers looked fantastic while beating the snot out of Tennessee Sunday, so maybe the Ravens don’t have the AFC North locked up. But they still have a Jonestown situation on the offensive line and the running backs ain’t exactly looking so hot either, so if they’re going to win, they’re gonna have to do it ugly.
23) Oakland Raiders (3-2) – Your 2011 “Team of Destiny,” ladies and gentlemen. First and foremost, I have a great deal of respect for Al Davis, as the NFL doesn’t exist as we know it without him. But I always smirk when a so-called “villain” passes away and major media outlets suddenly forget that they had completely ripped that person to shreds for so many years. Aside from that, though, Davis deserves all the praise he’s receiving, especially this awesome tattoo:
24) Washington Redskins (3-1) – Tim Hightower said that the Redskins are going to the Super Bowl this year. You can go ahead and take this moment to cross the Redskins off your list of teams that are going to the Super Bowl this season.
25) San Francisco 49ers (4-1) – If Alex Smith wins a Super Bowl – not that I’m saying he will, as it is still certainly very early in this season – does a vortex open up and completely suck Trent Dilfer into a world of irrelevance? Because I’ll gladly sign for that.
26) Baltimore Ravens (3-1) – As of this point in the season, I think the Ravens are a much better team than the Steelers. The good thing is that the Steelers feed off of absurd statements like that from people a lot more relevant than me and they use it to their advantage. I just hope that this holds true and these two teams give us more of their great rivalry as the season continues. And I hope that someone makes the Falcons and Packers watch this rivalry and yells, “See? This is what a good rivalry looks like!”
27) Buffalo Bills (4-1) – Do you trust them yet? I don’t. I’m still not ready to sign off on a Harvard lad and a 30-year old RB, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not actually good. What I find most entertaining about the Bills’ success is the “what about C.J. Spiller?” conversation in the media. They say there’s no place for him. Sure, it sucks that a young, explosive RB isn’t seeing much playing time. But is it a terrible thing that the Bills are keeping him fresh for a few seasons? I don’t know. Maybe ask Fred Jackson.
28) San Diego Chargers (4-1) – If the Chargers had blown their lead against the Broncos after Tebow came into the game Sunday, two things would have happened: 1) Broncos fans would have all converted to Christianity and stoned John Fox in the public square, and B) Chargers fans would have purchased stock in digital billboards.
29) New Orleans Saints (4-1) – With the Bucs being demolished by the 49ers, the Saints should have the NFC South locked up by… now.
30) New England Patriots (4-1) – Tom Brady is no longer on pace to throw 6,000 yards, which is just pathetic. Seriously, how does he even have a job right now? He’s not fit to hold Alex Smith’s clipboard.
31) Detroit Lions (5-0) – Every Sunday when I walk to my friend’s bar to watch the games, I pass this homeless guy who wears a Barry Sanders jersey for game day. I used to think that maybe I should throw him a buck or two just out of appreciation for his loyalty as a fan, not to mention his hardship in life. Then I remember that I’m a Dolphins fan.
32) Green Bay Packers (5-0) – Can we just get the trophy ready for these guys now? I’d say it’s quickly creeping up on death and taxes as a certainty.