“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 6

"Haha, I'm toally gonna stay in school."

Now that “Suck For Luck” is a full blown ordeal – there’s even a Twitter account devoted to it – it’s very amusing to see the general NFL fan’s reaction to the idea that teams might tank some games to secure the guy every analyst this side of Mel Kiper’s phallic eagle swoop is calling the next John Elway.

It’s public knowledge now that both Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay and Miami Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross have expressed interest in acquiring Luck in the draft. So the rational school of thought for the average fan – I’d probably estimate an I.Q. of 75 – is that two teams of professional athletes, who are boisterous, arrogant and proud, will waste an entire season of their professional careers so they can put their fates in the hands of a guy from Stanford.

There are two things about this, as a Miami Dolphins fan, that crack me up:

1) Why on Earth would Tony Sparano and his coaching staff kowtow to Ross, who openly courted Jim Harbaugh to replace him? Why would Sparano fill the cupboard with elite talent only to have it handed to Bill Cowher in the spring?

2) And do you really think that Brandon Marshall would keep his mouth shut if someone told him to flop on some plays? He’d be demanding trades and stomping his feet to the point that Terrell Owens would be like, “Dude, chill.” Besides, he looked just fine flopping on his own last night.

Now the Colts on the other hand, they seem like they would do it and not give a crap. After all, if any of their older guys complain, they can easily be traded for draft picks. I’m sure that thought is cemented firmly in Irsay’s mind. That’s why, as I was perusing Twitter during last night’s Monday Night Football game, there was a hilarious double standard at work.

If the Colts lose a game, they get to blame Peyton Manning’s injury and nobody thinks twice. But if the Dolphins lose, they’re just sucking on purpose to get Luck. I have some news for you all – Miami really is that terrible. It’s just funny that people seem more willing to allow the Colts to put Luck behind Manning, like they’re being dumped by Marisa Miller while preparing for their date with Kate Upton.

Speaking of suck...

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-6) – The most successful Colts player of the past few weeks has been Pierre Garcon, which made it all the more humorous that his fumble cost them a win against the Cincinnati Bengals. Well played, Colts.

2) Miami Dolphins (0-5) – If you honestly believe that the Dolphins are losing on purpose, I’m not going to try to change your minds. But I will guarantee that if they are trying to lose on purpose, they’re going to f*ck it up. This team will still win 3 games and draft an offensive lineman.

3) St. Louis Rams (0-5) – They traded for Brandon Lloyd, which is a big addition since apparently only Josh McDaniels can get him to perform, and the Rams also get Mark Clayton back from the PUP next week. But now Sam Bradford has a high ankle sprain. In a perfect world, the Rams lose every game and trade the top pick for the Dolphins’ entire draft, while the Colts draft another worthless RB.

4) Denver Broncos (1-4) – The fun thing about the Dolphins and Broncos playing each other this week is that one team is going to be humiliated. It doesn’t help the Dolphins’ cause that they are honoring Tim Tebow at halftime as part of the national champion Florida Gators team from however many years ago, because the team can’t sell tickets any other way. Amazing how they’re just giving away home field advantage.

5) Minnesota Vikings (1-5) – Christian Ponder, who most experts called the most NFL-ready QB of this past draft, made his Vikings debut on Sunday because Donovan McNabb is awful. Too bad the Vikings never bothered to get one of those, um, what are they called? You know, those guys with the hands who catch balls? Ah yes, receivers.

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