“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 6

"Haha, I'm toally gonna stay in school."

Now that “Suck For Luck” is a full blown ordeal – there’s even a Twitter account devoted to it – it’s very amusing to see the general NFL fan’s reaction to the idea that teams might tank some games to secure the guy every analyst this side of Mel Kiper’s phallic eagle swoop is calling the next John Elway.

It’s public knowledge now that both Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay and Miami Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross have expressed interest in acquiring Luck in the draft. So the rational school of thought for the average fan – I’d probably estimate an I.Q. of 75 – is that two teams of professional athletes, who are boisterous, arrogant and proud, will waste an entire season of their professional careers so they can put their fates in the hands of a guy from Stanford.

There are two things about this, as a Miami Dolphins fan, that crack me up:

1) Why on Earth would Tony Sparano and his coaching staff kowtow to Ross, who openly courted Jim Harbaugh to replace him? Why would Sparano fill the cupboard with elite talent only to have it handed to Bill Cowher in the spring?

2) And do you really think that Brandon Marshall would keep his mouth shut if someone told him to flop on some plays? He’d be demanding trades and stomping his feet to the point that Terrell Owens would be like, “Dude, chill.” Besides, he looked just fine flopping on his own last night.

Now the Colts on the other hand, they seem like they would do it and not give a crap. After all, if any of their older guys complain, they can easily be traded for draft picks. I’m sure that thought is cemented firmly in Irsay’s mind. That’s why, as I was perusing Twitter during last night’s Monday Night Football game, there was a hilarious double standard at work.

If the Colts lose a game, they get to blame Peyton Manning’s injury and nobody thinks twice. But if the Dolphins lose, they’re just sucking on purpose to get Luck. I have some news for you all – Miami really is that terrible. It’s just funny that people seem more willing to allow the Colts to put Luck behind Manning, like they’re being dumped by Marisa Miller while preparing for their date with Kate Upton.

Speaking of suck...

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-6) – The most successful Colts player of the past few weeks has been Pierre Garcon, which made it all the more humorous that his fumble cost them a win against the Cincinnati Bengals. Well played, Colts.

2) Miami Dolphins (0-5) – If you honestly believe that the Dolphins are losing on purpose, I’m not going to try to change your minds. But I will guarantee that if they are trying to lose on purpose, they’re going to f*ck it up. This team will still win 3 games and draft an offensive lineman.

3) St. Louis Rams (0-5) – They traded for Brandon Lloyd, which is a big addition since apparently only Josh McDaniels can get him to perform, and the Rams also get Mark Clayton back from the PUP next week. But now Sam Bradford has a high ankle sprain. In a perfect world, the Rams lose every game and trade the top pick for the Dolphins’ entire draft, while the Colts draft another worthless RB.

4) Denver Broncos (1-4) – The fun thing about the Dolphins and Broncos playing each other this week is that one team is going to be humiliated. It doesn’t help the Dolphins’ cause that they are honoring Tim Tebow at halftime as part of the national champion Florida Gators team from however many years ago, because the team can’t sell tickets any other way. Amazing how they’re just giving away home field advantage.

5) Minnesota Vikings (1-5) – Christian Ponder, who most experts called the most NFL-ready QB of this past draft, made his Vikings debut on Sunday because Donovan McNabb is awful. Too bad the Vikings never bothered to get one of those, um, what are they called? You know, those guys with the hands who catch balls? Ah yes, receivers.

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FACT: Blaine Gabbert's receivers also make shoes.

6) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5) – Speaking of no receivers and a terrible situation for a rookie QB to step right into.

7) Arizona Cardinals (1-4) – The Cardinals probably just hit their must-win wall if they really want to win their division. And they won’t win and they certainly won’t catch the San Francisco 49ers, so they’re realistically making a more exciting race out of the teams that could end up with the first pick and make Miami pay dearly.

8) Carolina Panthers (1-5) – If Ron Rivera and the Panthers knew that they were going to run a completely new offense based on Cam Newton’s skill set, why the hell did they give DeAngelo Williams so much money? Was it a fallback plan or did they really not want John Fox to bring him to Denver? Either way, Williams must be ecstatic.

9) Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) – One of the MNF pundit geniuses (Jon Gruden or Ron Jaworski) was talking about how Luck may not even declare for the draft (everyone at Stanford thinks he is, and if he isn’t someone needs to tell him about Case Keenum) and he mentioned that the Chiefs could end up taking him first. Are they trading up for him? Because they’re not getting the first pick.

10) Seattle Seahawks (2-3) – If you had told me in August that the Seahawks would have more wins than the Dolphins in Week 6, I would have laughed at you and called you a doo-doo face. Who is the doo-doo face now, Burnsy?

11) Philadelphia Eagles (2-4) – Early nominee for most hilarious sequence of events of the season: Mike Vick gets knocked out of the game for a play, so Vince “Dream Team” Young comes in and throws a pick, seemingly setting the Washington Redskins up for a crucial score. Then Rex Grossman threw his 4th pick of the game. Legends are born in October.

12) Dallas Cowboys (2-3) – After the Brandon Lloyd trade went down the next big rumor was that Cleveland was talking to the Cowboys about shipping them Peyton Hillis, which was interesting because I was just thinking they could use another beat up, underperforming RB.

13) New York Jets (3-3) – Remember when Mike Vick got out of prison and came back to the NFL and he was all like, “GRRRRRR TOUCHDOWNS!” and the NFL was all like, “You’re a hero, here’s a trophy!” and the Eagles were all like, “Piss off, Kevin Kolb”? Plaxico Burress is the exact opposite.

14) Cleveland Browns (2-3) – Trade or not, it looks like the Browns are moving ahead with Montario Hardesty, which is cool for people who like the names of Canadian cities but think they need more consonants.

15) Chicago Bears (3-3) – Jay Cutler finally told Mike Martz what most of us have wanted to for years.

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