While a 2-win record is hardly something to be proud of through Week 7, it has become the first actual dividing line between the pretenders and contenders for this “Suck for Luck” sweepstakes. At this point in the season, there are two clear cut contenders, one terrible team that isn’t in the hunt but may benefit well beyond just a first pick, one surprisingly bad team that we didn’t think would be looking for a QB, and one team that just sucks but will probably win a few more.
We’ll get to naming those teams is a moment, but I wanted to first discuss the latest hot topic surrounding our beloved hero, Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck. The question has been raised plenty – would Luck stay another year if he didn’t like the teams that would be drafting him at No. 1?
As we discussed last week, the answer is, of course, no. He graduates at the end of the spring and would be insane to stay another season for the sake of another degree and pass up $50 million. The new question beyond that is – would he pull an Eli Manning and force a trade if he doesn’t like the team that drafts him at No. 1? At first I’d say the answer is also no, because he doesn’t have a father like Archie Manning to be a d*ck on his behalf, but then Luck’s father, Oliver, is the athletic director at West Virginia, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility that he would be involved in his son’s professional future.
After all, Luck was influenced to stay at Stanford this season by none other than Peyton Manning. That fact should make Dolphins fans a little more depressed today, but I still don’t think Miami is a city or team that any rookie turns down.
(Banner via 30 FPS)
1) Indianapolis Colts (0-7) – Nobody, including myself, is really mentioning the fact that Manning and Luck have a relationship already. Sure, it may have been a simple “Hey, go back to school, dummy” as they walked past each other, but that’s the kind of groundwork that makes for a nauseating storyline these next few months. I’m just more surprised that this isn’t a bigger storyline, which is why I should stop talking about it.
2) Miami Dolphins (0-6) – It would be typical Miami – for lack of a better term – luck if the Dolphins finally have a shot at a legit franchise QB, and they draft him No. 1 and he says, “Nah, I’m gonna need you to trade me.” I know, it’s a long way away and Indy’s 62-7 loss Sunday night seemed like a hell of a “Oh you think that’s a bad loss, Miami? Watch this!” statement. These two teams are going to really turn up the suck now.
Also, there’s a rumor that the South Florida ABC affiliate has made a request to air Stanford games for the rest of the season. Look at Miami rallying.
3) St. Louis Rams (0-6) – Whereas the Colts and Dolphins have asterisks next to their losses for how pure their intentions truly are, the Rams are just a miserable mess. They clearly don’t want to be in this position, otherwise they wouldn’t bother trading for Brandon Lloyd and bringing Mark Clayton off the PUP. Factor in the Cardinals blowing the World Series and we may need to put St. Louis on suicide watch.
4) Arizona Cardinals (1-5) – Kevin Kolb hasn’t been terrible and lord knows the Cardinals gave up enough to get him, but you have to think that Ken Whisenhunt is watching Stanford highlights and staring off into the distance, just wondering.
5) Minnesota Vikings (1-6) – Good news: Christian Ponder didn’t look horrible. Bad news: The Vikings still don’t have a legitimate receiving threat. *whispers* Justin Blackmon…
6) Denver Broncos (2-4) – As a Miami Dolphins fan, I fully expected the non-Denver world to pour on the anger after Sunday’s loss. Tim Tebow looked like the worst QB in NFL history through 3 quarters. And then every ESPN football analyst started fapping with delight as he was just good enough to manipulate piss poor defensive play calling and win from behind. At least he gave us this:
7) Seattle Seahawks (2-4) – Don’t count the Seahawks out of anything. This team is an absolute mess.
8) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5) – I really loved this recent headline from the Onion:
9) Philadelphia Eagles (2-4) – I try to stay far away from message boards for any sports because they’re filled with the world’s most depraved, clueless and evil people, but someone emailed me a rumor that the Eagles will bounce Andy Reid after this season for Bill Cowher, and my only response was, “I sure hope not, this is too much fun!”
10) Carolina Panthers (2-5) – Still the most exciting team without any ability to play defense in the NFL.
11) Kansas City Chiefs (3-3) – Look at the Chiefs, all grown up and climbing out of the Top 10. Looks like Todd Haley finally got his team under control and reminded them that the rest of their division doesn’t suck anymore.
12) Washington Redskins (3-3) – With all due respect, I had the Redskins’ season falling apart a lot earlier than this. Like, Week 2.
13) Tennessee Titans (3-3) – Chris Johnson is quietly blaming the Titans’ offensive line for the fact that he sucks. Meanwhile, the Titans are saying that his conditioning was poor while he was holding out and that’s why he’s been a complete bust this season. Either way, at least they gave him $30 million guaranteed.
14) Dallas Cowboys (3-3) – DeMarco Murray set the franchise’s single game record for rushing yardage against the sad sack Rammies. For his next trick, he’s going to learn how to play quarterback.
15) Cleveland Browns (3-3) – Poor Peyton Hillis. He has a monster season, expects the Browns to recognize that with a nice contract and make him their featured back for the immediate future. Now he’s out for God knows how long with a hammy injury and Montario Hardesty is settling in just nicely. Oh, the plight of the white running back marches on.
16) Oakland Raiders (4-3) – Did anyone on this planet with at least an elementary level of football knowledge think that playing Carson Palmer at any point of this weekend’s game was a good idea? Two weeks ago, he was tailgating at a USC game, drinking beer and hitting on coeds. He’s not Rob Gronkowski, damn it.
17) New York Jets (4-3) – After another week of telling us how many rings he could or should have, Rex Ryan somehow got his team to come from behind to beat the San Diego Chargers. Now Rex says that this team is going to win a lot more games. That’s good, seeing as he has to win the Super Bowl twice this year to make up for last year’s promise.
18) Baltimore Ravens (4-2) – The Ravens deserve so much more scorn than this. I wanted to completely leave them off the list after last night. That game was phenomenally bad. Ray Lewis should invite Cam Cameron out to a night club.
19) Houston Texans (4-3) – The Texans had a huge statement win over the Titans this week, so now here’s what they need to do – not turn around and suck again next week. Tennessee has no business being in the playoff picture with Chris Johnson playing like Larry Johnson and Kenny Britt out. Time for consistency, Houston.
20) Atlanta Falcons (4-3) – The Falcons are accusing Ndamukong Suh of mocking Matt Ryan when he was down on the field with an injury on Sunday, while Roddy White called out Cliff Avril for kicking Ryan’s feet and yelling, “Get him off the field.” I remember a time when NFL players got revenge by winning and going after the opposing team’s QB. Not winning and whining.
21) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) – I still can’t believe the NFL sent the Bucs to London. And yet somehow London wants its own full time team. What a peculiar place.
22) Chicago Bears (4-3) – Matt Forte has 1,000 yards through Week 7. Memo to Matt: When you hold out next year for more money, remember to work out so you’re good when you come back, too.
23) Cincinnati Bengals (4-2) – I like to imagine Bengals owner Mike Brown cackling with delight as Carson Palmer threw his THREE interceptions on Sunday, and then mocking him by throwing trash at Jordan Palmer. What a strangely humorous situation this turned into.
24) San Diego Chargers (4-2) – Of all the games to blow, the Chargers had to blow it against the Jets. After a week of listening to Rex Ryan insult Norv Turner over and over. Oh well, good thing Norv is the kind of guy who can bounce back and win with confidence.
25) Buffalo Bills (4-2) – Nothing like a nice week off for everyone to get healthy and regain focus for the Bills to come back and turn into the Bills again.
26) New York Giants (4-2) – I’m almost giddy about watching what the Giants do to the Dolphins. I wonder if there’s a 62-7 in the works for this week.
27) Detroit Lions (5-2) – I really want to be happy for the Lions, but as a feel good story of teammates banding together, finally realizing their collective talent and firing back against a league that has buried them season after season for two decades. But if they’re gonna be dicks about it, it kind of takes the fun away.
28) Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2) – Game of the week spotlight for the Steelers and the Patriots. A defensive suggestion for the Pats: tie Mike Wallace’s shoelaces together.
29) New Orleans Saints (5-2) – I hope Drew Brees and Co. saved a little scoring for the rest of their games. But the 62-7 win got me to thinking – how many points could the Saints put up if they got to play a full season against just the Colts? Would they win them all? There’d have to be a few 100-point games in there, right?
30) San Francisco 49ers (5-1) – What’s the magic number for the 49ers to clinch the NFC West? Minus-3?
31) New England Patriots (5-1) – I’m not sure how Bill Belichick feels about his players flying across the country to “hang out” with porn stars they met through Twitter, but I have to imagine that it’s pride.
32) Green Bay Packers (7-0) – Meanwhile, I was thinking about making a timeline of the girls that Aaron Rodgers has been associated with throughout his career – trust me, it’s remarkably impressive – and I came across this message board forum. Congrats, Aaron. You’re a real star now.