Suck for Luck. It’s a pretty simple phrase, right? I mean, it shouldn’t take a team of rocket scientists to comprehend that Stanford QB Andrew Luck is the top QB prospect in college football right now and his name rhymes with suck. Therefore, “Suck for Luck” isn’t exactly unique and I certainly don’t take credit for coming up with the phrase, and this certainly isn’t the only site that posts a “Suck for Luck” power ranking each week. (We’ve just been posting this one longer than the others, so thanks for that.)
I bring this up because I read a humorous argument on the Twitters last week between people taking credit for the “Suck for Luck” campaign, with one person going as far as to claim he came up with it when Luck was a freshman. I won’t point any fingers because this is frivolous and these people don’t deserve the attention, but I just wanted to take a moment to remind people that fans of the Indianapolis Colts and the Miami Dolphins actually have a reason to remain involved with their seasons, no matter what Dwight Freeney and Karlos Dansby think about it.
Let’s not ruin that by being douchebags about taking credit for something that a 5-year old could have created. If we can all agree on that, let’s get on with this week’s suck.
(Banner image via Sharapova’s Thigh, additional images via Getty and AP.)
1) Indianapolis Colts (0-8) – This is what I think of your stupid Andrew Luck Colts jerseys and your white sunglasses!
(GIF via Gifulmination)
2) Miami Dolphins (0-7) – If the Dolphins are trying to tank this season on purpose, they deserve a damn Academy Award for Best Team Trying to Make it Look Like it Wants to Win. It’s also only fitting that Reggie Bush had his best game of the season after he hooked back up with Kim Kardashian. That’s the extra ammo Miami needed. Also, I really loved this:
3) Arizona Cardinals (1-6) – While Kevin Kolb seems to be growing increasingly comfortable as a starter, the Cardinals have still supplanted the St. Louis Rams as the team most likely to wind up with the top pick only to trade it to the Dolphins for their whole draft.
4) St. Louis Rams (1-6) – Steven Jackson looked super pissed on Sunday, probably because his team was unbelievably winless, but I like to think it’s because Nick Punto was standing on the sidelines yelling, “I won a championship and didn’t have to do sh*t!”
5) Denver Broncos (2-5) – Prior to Sunday, my friend and I were discussing the Tebowing fad and we agreed that the Detroit Lions linemen had to do it the first time they sacked Tim Tebow. Boom.
Now that’s how you end an idiotic fad, friends.
6) Minnesota Vikings (2-6) – Percy Harvin was looking a little feisty against the Carolina Panthers, like he was built with two hearts. That’s good, because Donovan McNabb was built with none.
7) Seattle Seahawks (2-5) – At one point, Marshawn Lynch had something like 13 carries for -47 yards. I won’t rule out the Seahawks for a late season Luck run, but I’m close to putting them atop the LaMichael James list.
8) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – “This Christmas, the Jacksonville Jaguars star in… The Curious Case of Blaine Gabbert, the story of a quarterback who seemingly sucks the more he plays.”
9) Carolina Panthers (2-6) – Still the only team on this list that can move up while losing.
10) Washington Redskins (3-4) – Remember, Redskins fans, secure your own life preserver first before helping other people.
11) Cleveland Browns (3-4) – I don’t ever want to scare people, but first the Browns lost Peyton Hillis and now Montario Hardesty. What if the Madden Curse is actually contagious and Cleveland is ground zero? The entire Eastern seaboard will be on the IR by Week 9, Mr. President.
12) Dallas Cowboys (3-4) – At what point does Jason Garrett tell Rob Ryan to shut the hell up? Two, three weeks ago? Does Jerry Jones step in at any point and tell Ryan to quit firing up opposing offenses? I sure hope not.
13) Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) – Why is LeSean McCoy never mentioned in the neverending debate over who is the best RB in the NFL? Should be pretty easy by now, seeing as there are only 4 or 5 healthy RBs left.
14) Tennessee Titans (4-3) – Mike Munchak said that he’s going to be using Javon Ringer more since Chris Johnson has been atrocious since signing his new deal and getting $30 million guaranteed. If I’m Matt Forte I’m screaming to the Bears front office, “I SWEAR, I’LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN LIKE HIM!”
15) San Diego Chargers (4-3) – So what night were Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers pissing in a fountain when they switched bodies?
16) New York Jets (4-3) – I really don’t get this ongoing feud between Joe Namath and Rex Ryan. I mean, I get that they’re both obnoxious and arrogant and they crave constant attention, but don’t they realize that they’d be a lot more powerful if they joined forces? Joe gets the tits, Rex gets the feet. Perfect match.
17) Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) – Ladies and gents, we have our fastest rising team of the season thanks to a rejuvenated defense and an offense that seems to be grasping the “just enough to not lose” theory.
18) Atlanta Falcons (4-3) – I think Matt Ryan could end up being a great quarterback within the next few seasons and possibly enjoy 4 or 5 “elite” level seasons. Lord knows he has the offense for it. But I think it’s about time that we stop picking on the Dolphins for not drafting him. He’d be dead if he played for Miami. Literally dead.
19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) – The Bucs have been called inconsistent this season and I think that’s a little generous, because if Josh Freeman and Mike Williams played like their fans expected them to, they’d at least be 5-2, probably 6-1.
20) Chicago Bears (4-3) – Jay Cutler is being celebrated in Chicago for his attitude renaissance, as he seems to be a lot more likable and affable now, even having a pretty good sense of humor. Imagine how much better that would be if the Bears gave him a good receiver.
21) Oakland Raiders (4-3) – The Raiders are possibly bringing in T.J. Houshmanzadeh to make Carson Palmer feel more at home. Then they’ll bring in Terrell Owens to make him want to go home.
22) New Orleans Saints (5-3) – I’ve maintained all season that the Rams were better than they were playing and they’d eventually get it together (albeit too late to make it matter). That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be 0-7 right now.
23) Houston Texans (5-3) – Two in a row for the Texans! Too bad they still don’t have much of a lead over the Titans. I get a sneaking suspicion that the AFC South is going to come down to Week 17’s matchup between Houston and Tennessee, when Houston should have this division locked up by Week 10.
24) Baltimore Ravens (5-2) – I don’t ever like to make bold predictions this early in the season, but what the hell? If Baltimore loses to Pittsburgh on Sunday, forget the division – the Ravens won’t make the playoffs.
25) New England Patriots (5-2) – Wide receiver/punt returner/Strokes cover band lead singer Julian Edelman was arrested this morning for indecent assault at a Boston nightclub. Looks like Rob Gronkowski needs to show the little fella a few pointers.
26) Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) – I picture Marvin Lewis like he’s perpetually in a boner pill commercial. Constantly smiling, soaking in a bathtub on the beach, holding his lover’s hand as they step over Terrell Owens’ unresponsive body, riding a tandem bike with Andy Dalton. Life is good for Marv.
27) New York Giants (5-2) – I’d say that the Giants have to be concerned with the Eagles catching them in the NFC East right now, but they have to be more concerned with even allowing the Miami Dolphins to sniff victory on Sunday. If the Giants can’t stop Reggie Bush they will be torched by LeSean McCoy when it matters.
28) Buffalo Bills (5-2) – If you put a gun to my head right now and told me to pick the AFC East champion, I’m picking the Bills. I want whatever human embryo smoothie that Fred Jackson is drinking.
29) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) – It’s amazing how well Ben Roethlisberger plays when he’s not throwing from a stretcher. And yes, Pittsburgh’s defense is getting older, but that young offense is pretty scary.
30) Detroit Lions (6-2) – Last week, I said that I couldn’t be as happy for the Lions as I want to be if they’re kicking players while they’re down and mocking injured QBs because I want to see them win with grace and class. And then Stephen Tulloch wins my season MVP and all of that flies out the window!
Seriously, I can’t get enough of that picture.
31) San Francisco 49ers (6-1) – The 49ers have 3 legitimately scary games left against the Giants, Ravens and Steelers. Otherwise, they have 6 games against teams under .500 and 5 of those are against NFC West teams. The 49ers will be NFC West champs by Week 11.
32) Green Bay Packers (7-0) – Aaron Rodgers should play blindfolded this week.