“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 9

"Sometimes a mommy and a daddy just don't love each other anymore, Painty."

With news that Peyton Manning’s neck is simply not healing as expected, it has become clearer than ever that the Indianapolis Colts may be without their legendary franchise quarterback for longer than just this season. We’re talking forever (forever ever). That’s why it’s disheartening to see Colts fans (like the fellas from last week’s banner image) enjoying this whole “Suck for Luck” idea so much. It’s not like Manning suited up for Week 1 and said, “Screw this” and closed a car door on his neck. And it’s not like he’s holding the franchise hostage either.

When Manning originally signed his 4-year extension, it was reported that he was essentially receiving $99 million in guaranteed cash. Of course, that also meant that he had to stay healthy to get that money. You see, that sly hick actually included a clause in his contract that lets the Colts off the hook if he’s unable to play. That’s pretty classy. Not like, you know, crossing Manning’s name out on your replica jersey and writing Luck over it.

But then, that’s the biggest problem I have with this whole thing. Colts fans are allowed to openly cheer for their team to lose because they need to replace Manning. Dolphins fans, though, are jerks and assh*les because they want a shot at their first franchise QB since Dan Marino. Oh well, that all took a step towards moot this week anyway.

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-9) – This week we’ll see how serious the Colts are about actually winning a game. The Jacksonville Jaguars are the only team Indy has a shot left to beat and they play each other twice. Call this Miami’s only hope.

2) St. Louis Rams (1-7) – The Rams have scored just 100 points this whole season. They weren’t exactly pegged to emulate the Greatest Show on Turf this season, but they also weren’t supposed to be Florida Atlantic either.

"Tough titties, suck-o."

3) Miami Dolphins (1-7) – My Dolphins friends and I all agreed that this game was the game. It just had “effort” and “giving a crap” written all over it. Then Vontae Davis picked a fight with Brandon Marshall at practice and I know that Marshall is trying extra hard to get people to think he’s a good teammate so he was obviously going to show up (Davis was also rumored to be drunk at practice) and Reggie Bush is clearly rolling around in wet Armenian dough again, so he’s shocking us all. Here’s to 4 wins and another lackluster first round pick.

4) Arizona Cardinals (2-6) – Apparently beating the Rams 19-13 qualifies John Skelton to be in a QB controversy with Kevin Kolb. Like it not, Cardinals fans, you are stuck with Kolb for the next few seasons. That is, until the Dolphins offer 6 draft picks for him.

5) Seattle Seahawks (2-6) – Pete Carroll told reporters he is very upset and surprised with his team’s 2-6 start. Then he slapped some ice on Tavaris Jackson’s torn pectoral and told him to go throw the ball another 30 times.

6) Minnesota Vikings (2-6) – No better way to build some momentum coming out of the bye week after a 3-point win over another 2-6 team than to take on the undefeated Green Bay Packers. I smell an upset!

7) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – The Jaguars are at a crossroad this week. They can either muscle up and destroy the Indianapolis Colts like they should, or they can play down to the Colts level to not only help themselves get a better draft pick that can help their terrible offense but to also tell the Colts, “Hey, it’s not f*cking cool to suck on purpose.”

8) Carolina Panthers (2-6) – I don’t think the Panthers knew what kind of runner they were getting when they drafted Cam Newton and how quickly he would transition to the NFL. If they knew it would be like this, Imagine what else they could have done with that money they wasted on DeAngelo Williams.

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