The weekly power rankings is a collection of the greatest things that have ever happened…this week.
#1 Tailgating — Grilled meat, alcohol, and football will always be number one in my book. Now I just need to transfer to Arizona State.
#2 Thursday Night TV — My Thursday nights: Jersey Shore, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League, Community, The Office, with a high chance of Thursday night football. Thank you God, for the greatest thing in the history of man: DVR.
#3 Bacon — Get your children meat hungry at an even younger age with bacon-flavored baby formula. Also, Bacon’s contributions to WL today made my hangover slightly easier. It’s still painful, however.
#4 Ryan Mallet — Huge game for the Arkansas QB Saturday. The man rocketing up Heisman and draft boards (looking at you, Jake Locker) everywhere has Alabama coming to town. The bright side? Interviews with Erin Andrews.
#5 Boise, Idaho — One of the many marquee college football games this weekend will take place on the blue turf, when Oregon State takes on Boise. It’s the Saturday night primetime game, giving you plenty of time to do all the drugs you need before getting an HD view of the blue turf. “It’s like an ocean and a field, man.”
#6 Houston Texans — The squad is 2-0 after Gary Kubiak popped his collar and iced Graham Gano last week. What a bro. Now the Texans can join the NFL’s contenders with a win over Dallas at home on Sunday.
#7 Michael Vick — How’s this for a second chance? Michael Vick will make his second start of the season against Jacksonville this Sunday. The 30 year old convicted felon has been playing well, screwing up my fantasy as a result.
#8 Haters of Dallas — Rejoice, haters of Dallas! The Cowboys are 0-2, playing Houston on the road this week. My pool to predict Jerry Jones’ first aneurism is almost at $500. Come on December 16th…
#9 Madden 2011 — I love football. As a fan, I need to be able to watch football when there’s none on TV. That’s where Madden 2011 and my Xbox 360 come in, giving me all of the fun of watching football, on demand. Not to mention that ESPN runs Madden sims as predictions on their website. Their analysts really do a bang up job.
#10 Summer — Summer, you know as well as I do that I love you. But I think it’s time we saw other people. Sure, you have awesome beach and bikini weather, and your cookouts are phenomenal, but I can’t take sweating in unmentionable places and awful reruns anymore. And don’t get me started on baseball. Seriously. Don’t.