According to TMZ and every tabloid with TMZ on Google alert, a “secretly filmed” Hulk Hogan sex tape is being offered up for sale to the various high-end porn jockeys.
We’ve seen a portion of the grainy footage — featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel.
To make this slightly less disgusting, I’ve gathered together ten jokes/talking points to share with your friends, should you accidentally drop “Hulk Hogan sex tape” into conversation and need an out.
1. I didn’t know Brooke Hogan was ever a brunette.
2. This is just the sequel to the one where Hogan has sex with Chyna in the middle of a Royal Rumble. Does the gay Iron Sheik show up in this one, too?
3. This is the grossest thing he’s ever done without the Nasty Boys. (Alternate joke: This gives new meaning to the term “Nasty Knobbs”.)
4. Did he bring along Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake along with him to help him f**k this woman?
5. At the end of the tape it looks like he’s about to finish, but he starts shaking and pumping his fists and walking around in a circle … when the lady asks him what’s wrong, he makes an o-face at her, points, yells “YOU!!” and keeps nailing her.
6. The money shot is just Hulk squirting self-tanner all over her face.
7. Via Dave Emerson:
I already saw the Hulk Hogan sextape. It’s called Summerslam 2005.
8. Will the tape feature an Impact Wrestling commentary track, and if so, will Hulk Hogan having sex with a stranger “rock the very foundation of TNA and the pro wrestling world”? Will Mike Tenay start yelling WE KNOW WHO THAT IS, TAZZ when the woman appears onscreen?
9. When the woman cums, does it break the fault lines and cause Donald Trump and his family to drown?
10. The best part of the video is when Hogan points at his crotch and yells THIS IS WHERE THE POWER LIES.
Jokes 11-700 will be added in shortly.