The Best And Worst of Impact Wrestling 4/10/14: Something’s Rotten In The State Of Dixieland

Hello friendly friend-types! It’s nice to see you. Wanna talk about some wrestling? I’m sure you haven’t done that at all in the past week. Let’s change that!

– This week at The Mandible Claw, Brandon and I recapped our respective weekends of wrestling delights. In case you missed our WrestleMania preview show, Brandon got all hopped up on codeine and I shouted about Gunner’s Sad Dad. Like…a lot. #TeamSadDadForever

– If you like action movies, creator-owned comics, and cool temporary tattoos, my dear friend Kyle Starks (creator of Ricky Thunder and those Willow comics that rule) has a Kickstarter campaign for his (already completed!) new book. Give him love and/or money and get love and/for sure a radbutt comic.

– Like, share, comment, tumbl, or whatever you do to get this column out there. The more you share, the more we can all make fun of Mr. Anderson together.

– Follow me on Twitter here, With Leather here, and UPROXX here. I posted this picture from my weekend, and that’s gotta be enough for at least a hey, hello, how do I get in on this kind of magical wonder, right?

This week on Impact: Rockstar Spud gets a new suit, Davey Richards gets a new hairstyle, and Ethan Carter III doesn’t get nearly enough screentime.

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Best/Worst/HUUGGGGZZZZZ: What we missed last week

Alright. We’ve got a lot of things to cover, and first and foremost, we all need to take a minute to watch this, and understand the feelings it made me feel:

Did…did I will this into the universe? Is this how The Secret works? If I really try hard enough, can I do it again and get this sweet prince back at least every other week instead of just the One Night Only X-Stravaganza this weekend (which I am hella watching because of course I am)?

I know it’s patronizing, and just a ploy to keep him on the Magnus side of things, but…until later on in this week’s episode, the Magnus side of things has been pretty rad, and his shirt is so pink, and there’s so much hugging guys guys look at that hug guys my brain might be melting down due to friendship.

Also boo on Eric Young for interrupting such a lovely moment. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be on his side when he took Joseph Park away, and now just keeps trying to beat up Abyss, and stop him from being heel friends with Magnus. That just seems mean and unnecessary and no you’re watching them hug again because shut up that’s why.

This match has some fun spots, but really, there are two things you’ll probably experience by watching it: a) being mad that someone seems to have scuffed EC3’s boots, and b) Spud and EC3 vs. Willow is basically them wrestling an animate, velvet-clad Kermit the Frog stuffie and it’s so impossibly dumb that it’s kind of amazing. I mean, you could also say that tables matches in Impact have hit a series of diminishing returns, and the “crotch claw” where Bully Ray fisted Bobby Roode’s balls was awkward and kinda weird, but…you know…I really like those boots.

Velvet Sky and Angelina Love faced Brittany and Madison Rayne, and I need to admit that every time they mention Brittany I am sad that we’re not watching this instead. It’s not a knockouts match you need to see, especially if you’ve seen…basically any Beautiful People match ever.

A bunch of other fairly innocuous stuff happened. Kenny King and MVP don’t like each other, there was an X-Division match that wasn’t horrible, and Mr. Anderson wrestled (yeah…skip that for sure). We got to meet Knux’s Sad Dad, and he’s sad, sure, but has he ever tweeted at members of Kiss to say how much he loves them? Yeah. We all know which Sad Dad reigns supreme on this show.

Magnus retained his title by both manipulating Abyss’s feelings with love and friendship, and an elbow drop that doesn’t look like hot garbage now that TNA is sticking to filming all elbows from a different angle. And I’m not mad at it. The full match is rough, but if you’ve got a few minutes to kill, you should watch this hilariously bad country music video someone filmed on their iPhone. It’s got EC3, so, you know, it’s worth it.

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