Hey guys! This week we’re covering two weeks at a time, and believe me when I say oh god, oh god, do not mainline more than one episode of Impact at a time right after doing a refresher of a PPV. Lucky for you I did, but only because I love you (and feel bad for letting real life work and stuff make me miss last week) (but mostly the love part, promise).
– I’ll be at both Ring of Honor/NJPW shows (Toronto and New York), so if you’re attending either tonight or next weekend’s events as well, find me and say hello! Brandon will be there next week (also at Beyond Wrestling the next day). Hellos and high-fives for all!
– Like, tumbl, tweet, email, share, photocopy, recreate this report in an interpretive oil painting, whatever you need to do to spread it around. You know, like peanut butter. Or West Nile.
This (and last) week on Impact Wrestling: I do not give out a lot of Bests. I’m sorry. We’ll get through this together. Promise.
Quick and dirty Sacrifice results you’ll need to know heading into this episode:
The quick is because they’re presented without extended commentary. The dirty is because ew, really, that’s what happened?
– The Wolves defeated The Bromans/DJ Zema for the World Tag Team Championship
– Ken Anderson defeated Samuel Shaw and put him in a van back to his home planet
– Willow/Kurt Angle defeated Rockstar Spud, EC3, and my hopes and dreams
– Sanada defeated Tigre Uno to retain the X-Division Championship
– Gunner defeated James Storm in an “I Quit” match
– Angelina Love defeated Madison Rayne to win the TNA Knockouts Championship
– Bobby Roode defeated Bully Ray in a Tables Match thanks to interference from Dixie Carter dressed as Woody Allen in Bananas!
– Eric Young defeated Magnus to retain the TNA World Heavyweight Championship because barf
Last week, the aftermath of…some of things things sort of played out. Let’s break it down:
Eric Young has decided that he wants to be a fighting champion, which means he’ll need someone to challenge for the belt. MVP does his due diligence by having wrestlers randomly select from a deck of cards, showing the experience and creativity it takes to book a great wrestling show. We can take two things away from this segment: 1) Gunner vs. Anderson dictates that there will be hella fast-forwarding in our future, and 2) I’m pretty sure MVP’s office is in a stairwell.
Magnus is upset that he’s not been included in this contendership schmoz, and rightfully so. Bobby Roode had to force his way into the fair and unbiased determinations of MVP, proving that they’re anything but. So why not involve Magnus? Oh, right. Cool Magnus needs to be slowly stoned to death like an Old Testament sinner, and the iniquity of MVP’s actions are just a set up for…whatever Abyss is doing, but also this:
Welp, I guess we know who’s been buying Robbie E’s cardigans off of eBay.
See, Bram left Sharon, Lois, and merry ol’ England behind because he’s so disgusted by the success-I mean, behaviour-of Magnus. This isn’t the Magnus he knows. The Magnus he knows from “the camps” loves booze, and women, and fighting. One time Wade Barrett punched them in the face. It was awesome.
Bram thinks Magnus has gone soft, and after a few tense moments of trying to out-British one another while acting out the most homoerotic telenovela scene wrestling’s had in a while, Bram explains that he’s here for Magnus’s own good.
Yes. Because it’s always great to take advice from Florida Man.
In no way do you have to watch this match, but it’s a good illustration of the total dissonance between in-ring action and commentary. James Storm comes out, and after taking a hilarious bump at the :51 mark, hits Anderson from the outside with an enzigiri. This staggers Anderson, allowing Gunner to hit his finish and pick up the victory. Storm smirks and calmly backs away like that was his plan all along, not giving any indication that he’s playing it cool after making a mistake. Tazz and Tenay fumble for a bit, both insisting that it was a mistake, and he really did mean to go after Gunner. So which is it? The story told by Storm, or the story told on commentary? Is it Storm’s fault for doing a poor job of acting, or are Tenay and Tazz old and confused and generally awful (yes), but also wrong as heck? Is James Storm helping Gunner get ahead only to take something bigger away from him because he wants him to suffer all the time always for not just dying when he had the chance?