Hi friends, it’s time for the Impact Wrestletalk Rumble! But a few things first:
– Brandon and I went to an inordinate amount of wrestling shows in a ridiculously short period of time. There’s so much to recap that we had to split this week’s Mandible Claw Podcast in two. The first part, where we over ROH/NJPW and Beyond Wrestling is up for your listening pleasure, but be warned: the only thing that will get Shinsuke Nakamura’s theme song out of your head is the impossible to destroy earworm that is Jushin Liger’s theme.
– Comment, share, like, tweet, and tumbl this report. Be a part of the conversation so it’s not just me shouting at my laptop about how nothing makes sense and I miss Joseph Park.
This week on Impact: Nothing makes sense and I miss Joseph Park.
Worst: I am still super sick with strep
It kinda sucks writing the reports when I’m all hopped up on medication and socialized health care. I mean, I forgot at least thirty things I meant to put into the report last week, so I’m just left with a notepad full of half-formed thoughts such as “Why does Bobby Lashley wrestle in his real life underwear,” “Does Bobby Lashley know this makes him look like a member of the Pit Crew from RuPaul’s Drag Race,” “Why does Bobby Lashley have to go fully into Downward Dog to take his shirt off,” and, most importantly, “Why Bobby Lashley.”
One thing I haven’t forgotten, however, is how to spell his name. The same cannot be said for an actual person who gets paid to work at the same place he does:
And look, I don’t mean to suddenly get pedantic over wrestling nicknames, however, Ethan Carter III = EC3. It’s pretty well established. It even says so on a t-shirt, and we all know t-shirt canon is binding in at least 17 different countries.
Best: Kenny King
Sometimes I rewatch the Hogan-Bog Boss Man cage match because, you know, it’s great, but every time I do I get so dang mad that at the end Hogan steal Slick’s hat and wears it around the ring because he’s a real big jerk. This was 25 years ago and it makes me so freshly angry every single time. During the Bully Ray beatdown, Kenny King loses a shirt, but gains a hat when he steals it from Bully Ray. Just like what happened in 1989, were I in any way on this Bully Ray’s side I would be the most mad. A+ dick move, Kenny King.
Worst: Beach Blanket Bully
Bully Ray has set up this frustrating gallery of tables to illustrate his tables “hit list.” To the surprise of absolutely no one, this segment is a diagonal winner on the 2014 Bully Ray BINGO sheet:
B – References to balls, being a man, or shoving something up someone’s ass
I – Taking off chain, angrily pacing
N – FREE SPACE or THE MOST UNNECESSARY YELLING EVER
G – Character alignment incongruous with long-established character traits/alliances
O – Oh my god can you cling to your past glory any harder with this tables nonsense
I thought we were gonna get a full horizontal line with “mention of violence towards a woman,” but the putting something up someone else’s butt thing sealed the deal.
Best: Is this the best Spud Suit yet?
Yes. Yes it is.
Worst: Nobody makes EC3 cry his own tears