Well hello! Oh look, it’s Friday again. Shall we do another Impact report? Before we get started:
– Are you reading the Best and Worst of NXT? You should. William Regal does stuff. As does Canadian import Renee Young, whom I am ever so proud of, and want to be as famous as can be. So do that!
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This week on Impact: Secrets, lies, and big reveals! The big reveal is that this episode is terrible. Let’s find out why!
By bringing back the Main Event Mafia, one can take the negative road and assume that Impact writers think we’re all stupid goons with short-term memories who don’t actually remember how bad it was, and why it was so awful. In this case, we’ve been forced onto that road with giant blinking detour signs because oh my god Kurt Angle, what are you even talking about. Glorifying the fact that the MEM took all of the power and belts they could, and did what they want when they wanted it is exactly the kind of short-term memory loss that TNA is relying on. Comparing Aces & Eights to the Main Event Mafia demonstrates that Kurt Angle is the perfect person to join up with Sting’s Stable of Sadness and Senility™.
Sure, Aces & Eights are a stable. Sure, they’re heels who took some titles. They may have some members of questionable talent, but they’re not systematically trying to destroy any young talent and hold TNA back from being a successful wrestling company with a future full of up-and-comers, digging folks like Kevin Nash and Booker T out of their wrestling graves to add (lol) legitimacy to things, and forcing Scott Steiner on us. I’m not saying Aces & Eights haven’t been their own special brand of Aces & Garbage, but come on. If my options are “the thing with Mike Knox hilariously sneaking up on people” and “Kurt Angle failing to accurately remember something he was a part of four years ago,” I guess I’m going to start dressing like an extra from Sons of Anarchy and jerking off beer bottles because holy jeepers I want no part of this.
Worst: Canned boos
I guess if you’re going to manipulate crowd reaction, at least make sure that you pan away from the people who clearly give zero f*cks that Sting can no longer wrestle for the World Heavyweight Championship. I guess isn’t your fault really, because, oh right, that’s everyone. Well…except the guy in the mask and white t-shirt opposite hard camera who spends the entire show acting like an extra in a Step Up 2: The Streets dance battle scene.
I know, bro. I thought C-Tates would be in it way more as well.
Worst: “Real family – we stick together.”
Yup. Just like that time you didn’t come out to help Sting against Bully Ray. Or that time you attacked Sting, beat him up, and kicked him out of the original Main Event Mafia. If only they were still at Universal Studios, because the “witless escapees from a senior’s tour of the studio” jokes are right there. RIGHT THERE.
Worst: El Hijo de Kid Kash
When your qualifications are “muscles,” “looks like the product of an unholy union ‘twixt Kid Kash and Wes Briscoe,” and “probably hurts people,” you….well, okay, you’re more than likely exactly what TNA is looking for.
Double Worst: C’est le pire
Bon rétablissement, Lufisto.