Hello lovelies! How have you been? We gave you the old RUSSO SWERVE last week, so hopefully you’re not too mad. It was fun (a little weird, but fun), and hey! At least you know one of us can’t wear a leather jacket with track pants. A few things:
– Last week I wrote about NXT, my one chance to write hundreds of adoring words about dudes who were legitimately in Chikara until Rubix gets on a weekly show. If you ever want to know how my sleep-deprived brain feels about Antonio Cesaro, go here. Brandon wrote the Impact column, so if you want to know how positive he is about a show he actually liked, go here.
– The Air Sex World Championships Documentary Kickstarter only has a day left, so if you want to get on the air boner bandwagon, and make it possible for the world to appreciate Chris Trew, Air Sex, and my badass UltraMantis back patch, go here to donate. Don’t forget: it’s not the size of the donation, it’s how you use it.
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This week on Impact: A new MEMber, tag team SHENANIGANS, and Joseph Park. I missed that guy like the deserts miss the rain. Shall we?
Retroactive Best: These dudes right here
Christopher Daniels and an adorable stuffed tiger? That sound you hear is my brain folding in on itself.
Worst: Bully Ray forgets he’s on TV
Brook Hogan got engaged, and congrats to her! But what does this have to do with kayfabe? Surely real life events can be kept separate from a storyline because at the end of the day, TNA can respect that we’re not entirely stupid and know that you can be fictionally married to someone on a television show but single or engaged off of it. Oh…wait…no? This is really what we’re doing? Bully Ray is really, really mad and super possessive of someone he tricked into marrying him because he was trying to fool the entire roster about not being the leader of Aces & Eights?
When I pause the show to put my head in my hands like a someone on the cover of a “Dealing With Your Grief” pamphlet, you have done a bad, bad thing, TNA.
Best: Dismissive Mike Tenay
Isn’t it special? Isn’t it nice?? I hope the first person who tries to explain kayfabe to Mike Tenay understands that they’re immediately walking into a sworn blood oath against them.Subscribe to UPROXX
I am 100% sick of being yelled at each week. I get it. You’re a bully named Bully. You’re a bad bad man who does bad bad things. We all get it. Yelling is what you’ve always done, and apparently it’s what you’ll always do. It’s incredibly disappointing, however, to see someone who has gone through so much progression in his career – physically, character wise – fall back on old, boring habits.
This is where the part of my brain that makes stuff up in order to rationalize things kicks in, and I think well, maybe he’s gone back to that because he is a bully, and they’re playing into the trope of the toughest, loudest guys secretly being the most vulnerable. But then I realize I am giving a heck of a lot of credit to people who unmasked someone for NO REASON just to put them back into a mask for NO REASON with a new name for NO REASON.
Guess who would have been 100% more negative about that part of last week’s show had they written about it.
He totally stole my joke about Kurt Angle’s sunglasses. What a Tazzhole.
Worst: Main Event Mafia, because of course it f-cking is
I don’t want to say I told you so, but guys, come on. I told you so. I hold out hope every week that something that was terrible the last week will be fixed and great again this week, and I love the optimism a lot of you darling dearest readers showed when the MEM was just a solitary Sting. I try to be positive but it somehow just keeps getting worse and worse. I know Brandon was extremely critical, and rightfully so, last week, but good lord, GET OFF THE F-CKING APRON, STING. If we’ve established that Aces & Eights still have a right to be there despite their Orlando clubhouse presumably being set ablaze because that’s the only thing that will kill some of those germs, they have as much right to be there as you do, Sting. That was not your match, yet SOMEHOW everything was all about you. Again. Just the way it was the first time around.
If you want to do something in the Impact roster’s best interest, you and your gang of funsuckers will let wrestling happen, and stop interrupting every single thing with your goddamn N64 game dungeon level theme song. Unless you start showing us your scrapbook of that time you all drove to Paramus to buy suits (obviously titled Who do you want? Paramus!), I will kindly take a pass on everything you’re doing, sirs.
Best: Spinny Royal Rumble Picker Thingy
AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I don’t know what it’s actually called, but it is a B-E-S-T Best. It’s one of those great little throwback touches that immediately sets my heart ablaze with thoughts of Royals Rumble past. Using it to pick the TOTALLY RANDOM sequence of entrances into the Joker’s Wild tournament? You’re doing a good, good thing, TNA.
Best: Jeff Hardy
Congratulations, Jeff Hardy, on being the 30th entrant into the 1989 Royal Rumble. Ted DiBiase is looking for you, and I think he wants to make a deal.