The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 5/2/14: Painful And Permanent

WLSmackdown521

WWE

Lana, initiating painful and permanent responses all day, every day.

Pre-show Notes:

Hey guys, share this report! Those share numbers on the front page validate my existence. They make the semi-delirious late night writing sessions worth it! Here’s the share buttons right here — do it!

– Follow WithLeather on Twitter and like it on Facebook. Follow me on Twitter too! If you like this review, I also write stuff every darn weekday for GammaSquad — we’re under “Geek & Sci-fi” on the navigation bar at the top of this page!

Read on for the Best and Worst of Main Event: Friday Edition, er, I mean Smackdown…

Page 2
WLSmackdown522

WWE

Worst: Why Are You Wasting This Feud?

Why is Sheamus being used to keep Bray Wyatt occupied while he waits for Cena to AA him off a cage through a mountain of barbwire tables or whatever? Sheamus should be Bray’s full-time dance partner. Sheamus is often accused of being a larger, paler John Cena, but the dude doesn’t live in John Cena’s ivory tour bus just yet. Sheamus can actually change. Bray Wyatt’s ominous promos can actually lead to something with Sheamus, who desperately needs a shake-up anyways. Have Sheamus join the Wyatts, drop the Beaker hair and go full-on Viking. Have Rowan be his long lost son, or dad or uh, imperfect clone? Anything! Sheamus needs something to do other than “be the same old Sheamus who now sometimes loses”.

Subscribe to UPROXX

Best: Fast, Clubbery and Out of Control

But hey, even though I thought it was a waste of resources, The Wyatts vs. The Usos & Sheamus was pretty rockin’ wrestling match. These are the six hardest-hitting guys on the roster, most of whom are damn good on their worst day, and this was nowhere near anybody’s worst day. Losing three times in two weeks has put the fear of God into Sheamus and he was busting ass like a 280 pound Dolph Ziggler, the Usos’ title reign is actually turning into a real thing (and one of them gets to go home to Naomi every night) so they were wild Samoan superkicking machines, and The Wyatts were clearly glad to be away from John Cena and his Photoshop Phunnies for a while.

This match was like a sped-up 80s Jackie Chan fight scene — everyone moving just a little faster than seems possible. Real Armor of God s–t. At one point Sheamus takes an over the ropes bump like he’s been ejected from a car windshield then is up 30-seconds later smiling about it. An Uso eats a Michinoku driver straight into Luke Harper’s f–king knee and keeps coming. I’d say this match shortened careers, but I’m pretty sure it’s not an issue since all the guys involved are made of rubber vulcanized by pure manliness.

Around The Web

Featured

Chris Hardwick Talks ‘Funcomfortable,’ His Dad’s Personal Mantra, And Keeping A Crazy Schedule

Is There More To The Adam Walsh Story?

Stand-Up Comedy Scared The Hell Out Of Me, So I Decided To Give It A Shot

W. Kamau Bell On Joking With The KKK For CNN And Quoting Malcolm X In His New Special

Chef Jonathan Bennett Shares His Fourteen ‘Can’t Miss’ Food Experiences In Cleveland, Ohio

Jen Kirkman Talking About Her New Book Will Make You Want To Write Your Own

Your Travel Guide To Every ‘Archer’ Location On The Planet

Drifters Take Note: This Couple Has Crucial Advice For Long-Term Travelers

‘Rad’ Star Bill Allen Looks Back On Helltrack And That Iconic BMX Prom Scene, 30 Years Later

Key And Peele Talk About ‘Keanu,’ Why Cats Are Funny, And What They’ll Do If Fame Doesn’t Work Out

Meet Christine Sun Kim — The Sound Artist Who’s Changing The Way We Listen

Presented By
The All-New Prius

UPROXX 20: Jon Lajoie Wishes He Could Go Back In Time To Buy Netflix Stock, Just Like You