The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 5/9/14: You’re By Yourself Tonight

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WWE

On tonight’s Smackdown — the real Mark Henry.

Pre-show Notes:

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Best: Frowny Sheamus

As Brandon elucidated in the Raw report, Sheamus is just so much more likeable as a bad guy. Well, maybe likeable isn’t the word — it’s easier to appreciate his dickish performances when he’s actually supposed to be a dick. This applies both outside and inside the ring.

Of course Sheamus isn’t a full-on heel yet, but everything he did in his match with Dean Ambrose he did with a frown on his face, and that made all the difference. I mean, Sheamus has always wrestled like a heel — he ties dudes up in the ropes and, when possible, pulls their shirts over their heads before pummelling their man-breasts. This never leads to anything, he just does it for fun. He sucker kicks people in the face absolutely whenever possible. Face Sheamus and heel Sheamus are exactly the same except one has a furrowed brow.

For instance, this match ended when Sheamus blindsided Ambrose with a brogue kick, knocking him out of the ring, then when Ambrose valiantly drug his body back in before the 10-count, Sheamus just kicked him in the face again before he could regain his composure and pinned him. Good guy Sheamus did that kind of shit all the time, and I’d be left feeling empty and vaguely annoyed. When bad guy Sheamus does it I can be “oh f–k you buddy” and feel good that I’m doing the thing I’m supposed to do. Please continue enabling my Sheamus hatred WWE.

Best: An Inconvenient News

BNB went big picture this week with the bad news that climate change was going to cause droughts and super storms that are going erase our civilization from history. It’s true! In fact I believe the first super storm of the season has struck Rob Van Dam’s face…

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WWE

Jesus. Remember when they took John Cena, the only guy in the company that matters, off multiple shows because he had a black eye? At this point RVD is so far under the “we don’t care” radar he could probably walk into the arena with an alien facehugger attached to him and they’d still just wave him through the curtain.

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