On tonight’s Smackdown — the real Mark Henry.
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Best: Frowny Sheamus
As Brandon elucidated in the Raw report, Sheamus is just so much more likeable as a bad guy. Well, maybe likeable isn’t the word — it’s easier to appreciate his dickish performances when he’s actually supposed to be a dick. This applies both outside and inside the ring.
Of course Sheamus isn’t a full-on heel yet, but everything he did in his match with Dean Ambrose he did with a frown on his face, and that made all the difference. I mean, Sheamus has always wrestled like a heel — he ties dudes up in the ropes and, when possible, pulls their shirts over their heads before pummelling their man-breasts. This never leads to anything, he just does it for fun. He sucker kicks people in the face absolutely whenever possible. Face Sheamus and heel Sheamus are exactly the same except one has a furrowed brow.
For instance, this match ended when Sheamus blindsided Ambrose with a brogue kick, knocking him out of the ring, then when Ambrose valiantly drug his body back in before the 10-count, Sheamus just kicked him in the face again before he could regain his composure and pinned him. Good guy Sheamus did that kind of shit all the time, and I’d be left feeling empty and vaguely annoyed. When bad guy Sheamus does it I can be “oh f–k you buddy” and feel good that I’m doing the thing I’m supposed to do. Please continue enabling my Sheamus hatred WWE.
Best: An Inconvenient News
BNB went big picture this week with the bad news that climate change was going to cause droughts and super storms that are going erase our civilization from history. It’s true! In fact I believe the first super storm of the season has struck Rob Van Dam’s face…
Jesus. Remember when they took John Cena, the only guy in the company that matters, off multiple shows because he had a black eye? At this point RVD is so far under the “we don’t care” radar he could probably walk into the arena with an alien facehugger attached to him and they’d still just wave him through the curtain.
Best: Man, I Can’t Wait Until This Vladimir Putin Guy Debuts
As the amount of Putin praising in Lana’s introductions increases, the amount of Rusev content decreases. This week she went on about Putin for a solid minute, then was like, “oh, and here’s Rusev.”
I hope the Putin stuff gets more and more elaborate until one day Lana comes out, cuts a 10-minute promo about Crimea, then leaves without ever introducing Rusev. Or better yet a Putin impersonator comes out instead — halfway through Putin’s match they could cut to a very sad Rusev doing his pre-match dance in front of a monitor backstage while eating a pint of rocky road.
And yes, Rusev beat up a black guy again on Smackdown. Also, according to tha dert sheetz Rusev and Lana are doin’ it in real life. I’m not sure which is more apalling.
Worst: Fandango’s Back
Fandango, dude, you got triple powerbombed off the stage through a pile of tables. It was the most violent thing to happen on WWE TV in, I dunno, years? You could have taken more than a couple weeks off. Did you really need to rush back for another Santemma match? No, you didn’t.
Speaking of Santemma, I was back to hating them again this week, and I think I know why. As long as they stick to childish slapstick I don’t mind their antics. I like Santino killing Emma’s arm with the cobra. The pink cobra is cute (come on, it is). It’s when the Santemma stuff gets sexual in any way that my bile starts to churning. So, when Fandango and Layla started making out and Santino was all, “Heya Emma-a, lookit that-a [bonerface]” I fell into a deep despair. Is it just Emma? Would I be reacting this way if, say, Rosa Mendes was making Santino’s snake turgid? I guess I could try to think of Rosa Mendes every time I see Emma, but I think that might make the despair worse.