The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 6/13/14: A Jobber Time Capsule

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WWE

Tuesday’s Smackdown tapings were a different time, man.

Pre-show Notes:

Hey guys, help fill the Aksana-shaped hole in my heart by sharing the Smackdown report. I know it probably won’t work, but darnit, it’s worth a shot. Here’s the buttons!

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WWE

Worst: These Show-Opening Shield Promos Are The Ass

Lately Smackdown has got into the habit of starting the show with in-ring Shield talky segments, and they have not been good. Dean Ambrose was at his hand-jiving, 23-skidooing worst tonight. At one point he called Triple H “kiddo” — I don’t care if you’re trying to be intentionally condescending, you don’t call WWE’s immortal god king (who happens to be 16-years older than you) kiddo.

Also, Roman Reigns just straight up re-used his line from Raw about Randy Orton being the ass of the company. Listen, that shit wasn’t alright when Batista was doing it, and it’s not acceptable coming out of your pouty lips either Roman.

As if on cue, Reigns and Ambrose’s Triple H trashing was interrupted by Triple H himself, who was in an oddly magnanimous mood tonight. He said there’d be only one Money in the Bank qualifying match tonight, which you’d think would be set-up for Triple H pitting brother against brother, but instead he just flipped coin and gave Ambrose the qualifying match with Bray Wyatt. Well gee corrupt overlord, that was awfully sporting of you! I guess we were supposed to be mad Triple H didn’t just give the match to Reigns because he has bigger muscles and “deserves” it more? Then he banned Roman Reigns and Harper and Rowan from ringside — thanks for the even-handed decision Mr. Evil Despot! Weird.

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Worst: Roman Reigns Singles Matches

I was pretty excited when BNB came swaggering out onto the stage — a legit fresh match! Unfortunately Reigns is just not there yet as a singles performer. Bad News Barrett is an underrated worker who’s managed to pull good matches out of questionable workers like RVD lately, but he couldn’t make it happen with Reigns.

Our Samoan prince has the Superman punch, he has the spear, but until it comes time to unleash them, he doesn’t have much — it’s all so-so punching and frequent breaks to smoulder at the hard camera. He’s also one of those big guys who doesn’t really know how to work like a big guy. His style makes sense in tag matches, which are all about selling, selling, selling until you can get the hot tag, but Reigns spends too much time down on the mat in singles matches. They really need to turn Sheamus heel, because Reigns desperately needs some “how to hit hard, have a million signature moves and sell without looking like a chump” lessons from the best big guy in the company.

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Worst: The Day The Music Died

Oh man, this episode is going to be uncomfortable, isn’t it? I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep it together if Teddy Long comes out to announce one last tag TEAM match. Leave the holdonaminnits alooooone.

Anyways, the Union Jacks went out doing what they did best — being eviscerated in comically violent fashion.

Smackdown

RIP 3MB. Services will be held at the graveyard.

Worst: Well, Now We Know Who The Nikki of the Usos Is

I didn’t watch the show, but based on the recap Jimmy Uso beat Luke Harper in a long, hard-hitting match on Main Event. Jey Uso followed that up by losing to Erick Rowan in a minute-and-a-half on Smackdown. Ouch. Of course the Bellas analogy only goes so far, since Jimmy is married to Naomi, which has to be considered an accomplishment on par with snagging John Cena for dude wrestlers. I guess this won’t be truly settled until we figure out which Uso has a large tattoo on their crotch.

Best: Bo’s White Guy Dance

Yeah, I know, a white man dancing goofily to the rap music is everything awful about WWE, but come on, look at this guy…

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He’s not going obnoxiously over the top like Vickie Guerrero doing her Elaine dance or Michael Cole whenever he’s called upon to make an ass of himself — he legitimately looks like he’s never heard this “rap” stuff before, but by gosh, he kind of likes it! I mean, once you get past all the shouting it has a good beat!

Also, Bo’s match with Truth was kind of shockingly decent. Like, it might have been Bo’s best main roster match to date? I mean, I guess R-Truth is technically a former world champion — maybe he has some wrestling talent in there somewhere.

That said, Truth being annoyed by Bo was way off base. Truth was creatively exhausted for life after writing one 30-second rap, and used to talk to invisible children. Truth and his malleable Play-Doh brain ought to be the prime mark for Bo’s aphorisms and phony inspirational act.

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