Clearly he wasn’t the stylist of The Shield.
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Worst: John Recap
Why does John Cena feel the need to come out and do these needless recaps of recent WWE storylines? He does it all the time. Does he think we’re not paying attention? I write 2000 words each week about f*cking Smackdown — I couldn’t possibly be paying more attention.
It’s not just that he has to exhaustively recount stuff everyone is keeping up with just fine, he has to give his recaps this “Boy, wrestling sure is stupid shit for jerkoffs, innit it?” edge. So, John runs through the last nine-months of WWE world title history, with the punchline being, “Geez, isn’t the WWE title picture a ridiculous clown show?” Then he runs through the guys in Money in the Bank and the punchline is, “People of various backgrounds and ethnicities are going to be competing for the WWE title, which is stupid and laughable!” His final punchline was actually a joke about punchlines — something about how he was going to line up everyone in the match and punch them.
I…what? What is happening here? Could this segment get any worse? Is Stephanie going to come out and barf on somebody?
Worst: Parade of Quips
Oh Jesus, please have Stephanie come out and barf on somebody — anything but this.
Somewhere in the dark, dusty recesses of Vince McMahon’s mind, he remembers audiences going crazy for segments where everybody in the main event comes out to jaw-jack with each other, but the ability to produce lively, unpredictable feeling television has long since abandoned him, so instead everybody just tromps down to the ring, recites one quip or catchphrase in a robotic manner, then stands around looking bored.
But wait, is that The Shield’s music (which Roman Reigns apparently got in the divorce)? What will the new Reigns float bring to the Parade of Quips? Well, nothing really. He pointed to the titles and said that he wanted them. Then Reigns went face-to-face with Cena and pursed his lips. Then John Cena took off his shirt. Huh, well, I didn’t expect this segment to go in this direction, but…oh no, wait, Reigns is punching Randy Orton now. Slashfic false alarm.
Worst: Have They Future Endeavoured The Wardrobe Department?
Okay, I get that The Shield got over while wearing real person clothes so they don’t necessarily want to transition the guys to sequined underpants now that they’ve broken up, but the wardrobe department is clearly out to sea when their usual short trunks, long trunks or “Big Bossman’s closet” options are taken from them.
I mean, this new look for Rollins — is he supposed to be Black Manta? Black Flag Manta? Did Vince have a change of heart as Rollins was passing through Gorilla and snatch the scuba tank and helmet off him? Brandon stole the Trinity joke in the Smackdown spoilers, but jeez, it bears repeating. Also, poor dude’s thighs must be in chafed agony after a 2-minute match.
Ambrose’s jeans and ladies’ tank top look is hardly any better. Acid wash, boot cut, belted jeans no less. I’m pretty sure I wear cooler jeans than Dean Ambrose, and I don’t wear cooler jeans than anybody.
Maybe just try giving Ambrose or Rollins some black trunks with their name on the butt. You know, just for laughs. See if it works.
Worst: Shut Up, Don’t Do That
I dunno about this Shield break-up. Layla/Summer Rae should not be the second most catty thing happening in WWE at the moment. Come on Dean, just admit you miss Seth — maybe that’s all he’s been wanting to hear all along.
Sometimes I doodle to take my mind off things, like, say, a terrible Smackdown.
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Worst: So, Bad New Barrett Is Ghana In This Metaphor?
This match was 90% the Dolph Ziggler show, which is weird, because Barrett is good! He can contribute! But most of this match was Ziggler elaborately setting himself up in the ropes, Barrett giving him a quick, unremarkable kick, then Ziggler ragdolling like a Goat Simulator NPC. Then Dolph Ziggler won with a sunset flip.
Did Barrett just lose because England lost in the World Cup? This is what happens when Americans start caring about soccer.
Worst: Hey, This Might Be An Interesting Match…
I was actually looking forward to Titus O’Neil/Adam Rose. It’s a bit of a style mismatch, and Titus is the most physically imposing guy Rose has faced to date, so yeah — this could be good. Or at least an interesting train wreck! But no, Rose won with a roll up in 20-seconds, because isn’t the thing where he crowd surfs off the apron just so clever? We have to get to that as soon as possible!
But wait, Titus is challenging Rose again! Okay, now maybe we’ll get an actual match. Maybe Titus will even deal Rose a much-deserved first loss! Yeah!
Worst: Debut Milking
I almost dread new guys debuting at this point. A numbing pattern has set in — they’re hyped for months, finally show up with an elaborate entrance, beat Heath Slater or somebody in 30-seconds and everyone’s pumped! Man, what is this exciting new character going to do? Well, most of the time they just keep beating guys in 30-seconds and repeating the exact same routine for months.
With half the roster recently freed to pursue future endeavors, I fear what the average episode of Raw/Smackdown might become…
– John Cena recap
– Adam Rose dances out, beats Heath Slater in 30-seconds.
– Bo Dallas runs a lap, tells us to Bolieve and beats Xavier Woods in 30-seconds.
– Aiden English comes out, sings, beats R-Truth in 30-seconds.
– Tyler Breeze takes selfies and beats Titus O’Neil in 30-seconds.
– Lana says things about Putin, Rusev comes out and beats, uh, whatever black guy I haven’t mentioned yet in 30-seconds.
– Bayley gives out headbands then beats Cameron in 30-seconds.
– 50-minutes of recaps of all these folks doing their canned routines last week.
– Hans Moleman is hit in the groin with a football.Sad trombone. The end.
Here’s a crazy idea for a new character — how about a competent wrestler who tries hard and has entertaining competitive matches? Nah, I guess only the NXT audience would appreciate something like that.
Worst: A Dean Ambrose Losing Streak Gimmick. Awesome.
Hey, you know what would be really cool? Like, totally amazing? A match that’s over two minutes that doesn’t end in some sort of shitty, unsatisfying way.
So yup, it’s now a story point that Seth Rollins has cost Ambrose three matches in a row. Dean Ambrose is now on a losing streak, because I guess it’s immutable WWE law that somebody has to go on a losing streak when a team breaks up. It’s the jeans, man — they’re cursed. They were acid washed in ancient Indian tears or something.
Minor, sorta Best for Zeb Colter correctly pointing out that last week’s Big E/Swagger/Lana segment made no sense, and kind of made Big E look like he was IN CAHOOTS with the evil Russians.
Big, definite Worst for another goddamn sub-minute match and for JBL being latently racist and screaming over and over that Big E “looks guilty” for no reason. Actually, I take that back — it wasn’t latent at all.
Sigh. [Drags my bad wrestling ravaged body on to the next segment].
Worst: Sincere Romance Angles Starring Fandango
Supposedly Vince fired his head writer for, I dunno, not writing enough vomit porn starring his daughter into the shows, and so he took quill in hand and penned most of this week’s TV himself. After watching this show, I’m pretty sure Vince has a second brain in his spine like a stegosaurus and wrote Smackdown with that. Or maybe the brain’s in his butt (because the show’s poop, you see).
Fandango has never had any sort of real personality. He likes to dance and cares that people pronounce his easy-to-pronounce name incorrectly. That’s it. Now we’re getting played-straight backstage segments featuring Summer Rae telling Fandango nobody can love him like she can, Layla walking in on illicit kisses and Fandango furrowing his brow like a man conflicted. WHO COULD POSSIBLY CARE?
So, then Fandango comes out for a match with Bo Dallas, and oh God, please don’t drag Bo into this mire. Before the match can even start, Summer runs down to the ring like a f*cking Muppet, all arms flailing everywhere, then starts trying to dance with Fandango like the saddest person on the planet. Then a catfight breaks out, because young ladies be mentally volatile yo, and somehow Fandango is kicked in the head by Layla, which causes him to instantly collapse in defeat. The Attitude Era is BACK baby! Please make it go away again.
Best: There’s Plenty of Fish in the Sea
Save us from an all-Worsts Smackdown Report, Bo Dallas!