• Over at The Wrestling Blog, I reviewed the SMASH Wrestling event I mentioned in last week’s column. Johnny Gargano did some stuff and I had reactions, so check it out!
• If you missed last week’s report, you can find it here. Personally, I think you should read all of them, but I may be a tad biased.
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This week on Impact: Hulk Hogan makes disapproving faces, Jeff Hardy magically keeps his shirt on, and my lifelong views of Supermarket Sweep are crushed. Let’s get Besting and Worsting!
Worst: Samoa Joe, don’t front
Joe is gonna beat you down, Joe is gonna choke you out, and Joe is going to stand there casually while your fake biker friend locks you in a cage and do absolutely nothing about it. Playing yourself off as being outnumbered is one thing, but we all saw the gif last week. Don’t even.
Further worst: When Mr. Anderson is the only one making sense, you’re doing it wrong
This whole segment was pretty terrible, but Mr. Anderson raises some good points. Why on earth would he be on the side of people who abandoned him? Why would he want to support you when Sting gives such bad nicknames? It’s a perfectly cromulent question, and instead of apologizing, or saying hey, yeah, that was pretty crappy of us, Kurt issues the ‘with us or against us’ ultimatum. Now, I’m a lady who enjoys shades of grey in her wrestling personas, but this is some straight-up BS.
For some reason, Anderson is constantly a hot commodity. Spoiler alert: it is not for his wrestling ability. I think we can all remember (or google) the will-he-won’t-he Anderson and Immortal storyline. Wrestling allegiances and friendships are consistently changing with little regard for continuity (see: every wrestling show ever), but if Mr. Anderson is anything, it’s a consummate butthole. Kurt, I know your memory is probably a little hazy given that your head is about as soft as Eric Lindros’s, but come. on. He’s done this to you before. You have a roster full of people, so it’s not like it’s a numbers game, so why not just leave him alone to get handies in the stripper closet and ultimately betray them instead of you? Beating someone up is a terrible way to woo them to your side of a cause. Oh my god, Kurt. It’s like you don’t even read your own friend fiction.
Best: This was way better the last time you did it
The clip above contains my absolute favourite moment in all of TNA history. The whole things is great! Abyss doesn’t want to hold hands with Gunner, because Gunner! The guy at 2:37 shouting “I TOLD YOU! I KNEW IT!” Mr. Anderson leaps into Abyss’s arms because FRIENDSHIP! It wasn’t bookended by any great wrestling or storytelling really, but the interaction between Abyss and Anderson makes me so happy I’m almost unable to type. I’m glad to take any opportunity to rewatch it, so thanks, TNA, for making me remember one of the few times you played something perfectly.
Best: Joseph Park sighting
He studied all of that tape of wrestling matches, but none of opening doors. Hee!
Best: Robbie E. is meta as f*ck
Never in a million years would I ever have speculated that either Robbie E or Robzilla would be one the best things going on wrestling television, but there they are, another week gone, being awesome as all get out. As dismayed as I was to see Tessmacher and her Dolph Ziggler face involved in something I enjoy, I really appreciated the canonical reference to her dislike of Robbie E. from her guest spot on The List. They’re even wearing the same sweaters. Amazing. Sting and the Aces & Eights stuff might be pretty garbage, but as long as the primary focus is on them, and little things like this can slip through, I am totally fine with it.
Best: I don’t care about what happened during the tag match…
…because Robbie Bunyan as Patrick Swayze makes up for any worsts I would have given to their half-hearted attempts at Gangnam Styling. In a perfect world, they’ll throw out all of the storylines for Genesis and do a roster-wide reenactment of Dirty Dancing, culminating in all of them dancing to Time of Your Life while Al Snow asks Devon if they have sheet music for the Robbie’s terrible EDM entrance theme. Then Bruce Pritchard can finally apologize to Attack of the 50 ft. Robbie for thinking that he was the one who got Velvet Sky knocked up, when we all know it was that skeezy Ayn Rand-loving skuzzball Bobby Roode.
Worst: Why did I rewatch the tag match?
Tessmacher, I straight up don’t care how many watermelons you carried. For the love of god, please stop rubbing your lower lady parts in other people’s faces. I know TNA is rumoured to pay their talent terrible wages, but do you really need to get noticed for that lucrative Monistat campaign? This is the wrestling version of Sean Young’s catwoman outfit and it is weird and gross.
Worst: That guy vs. that guy who looks like that other guy but with sideburns
I’m not going to get too down on these guys, and the worst is really more for booking them against each other than the serviceable match itself. I feel like TNA’s scouting process is just going through Vince McMahon’s Boner Jams ’08 and picking the most swole white guys they can find. But hey, if their chances in TNA don’t work out, they’ve always got their careers at Extensive Enterprises to fall back on.
Worst: Mr. Anderson, Masturbating Gollum
You’re making it really hard to be on your side, you creeper.