Ed. note – Welcome to the test-run, or “pilot episode” of the much requested Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling, a subsidiary of The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw LLC. Handling the writing duties is writer/comedian/Canadian Danielle Matheson, who could not come with a higher recommendation from me. I know part of the reason people wanted a Best And Worst Of Impact was to get my take on it, but … no, you’re better off with Danielle. My Best And Worst Of Impact would a complimentary sentence about Taryn Terrell’s diet and 75 paragraphs of complaining. You’re better off with Danielle. As an added bonus, I’m leaving in all the Canadian spellings. Your feedback here is very important, so make sure to click like, share it on Twitter, and drop a comment about the report or the show if you want us to keep doing it. Enjoy!
Well hello! I’m Danielle. I like Brian Wood comics, Tom Waits, and I’m super into TNA. No, I’m not joking.
I suppose I should preface this article with a few things, just to get it out of the way:
• While it’s hard not to take a completely sardonic approach to reviewing TNA, this will not be multiple pages of worsts.
• That said, TNA has been really, really bad lately. I am a consummate TNA apologist, but even I have to admit that the show is hitting lows I didn’t think possible. And I am saying this as someone who owns Victory Road ’09.
• Know that everything I say is because I want IMPACT to be the best it can be, and not … that it usually chooses to be.
• My current biggest non-WrestleMania fantasy booking is Kenny King vs. ACH, half out of curiosity to see how their styles would match up, and half because ACH should be a thing you all love. If you’re really into making stuff happen for Canadian girls you only know from the internet and it is within your power to do so, that would be fantastic. Just throwing that out there while I have the chance.
• As always, comment, share, like us on Facebook, or send UPROXX carrier pigeons telling them that you like IMPACT too and want this to happen more often. You can also follow me on Twitter here.
This week on IMPACT: Kurt Angle has a secret pastime you won’t believe, Brooke Hogan is allowed back on television, and Hulk Hogan tries to use a smart phone. Hold onto your butts, coconuts. This is a thing that is happening!
Worst: Velvet Sky is back, and she’s got her eyes on something that doesn’t really mean anything anymore
“There’s nothing like a good catsuit that screams the holiday season!”
This is an actual line uttered by Taz in one of his few (semi) lucid moments on the show. Let that soak in for a moment while I prepare to spill some truth about the current state of the Knockouts Division.
Once upon a time, Knockouts were the best thing about TNA. They had multiple, fleshed out storylines occurring at the same time, could main event an episode of IMPACT, and featured good-to-fantastic wrestling. But oh, those days are gone. I feel like there are two approaches to ladies wrestling. The first, and best, is not seeing them as any different from men and just letting them wrestle. The second, and worst, is to dress them up in as little revealing clothing as possible and make them scream and do submission holds that make them look like they could potentially be scissoring each other to orgasm. Guess which tack TNA is taking?
Now, without getting too soapbox-y about how great and beautiful lady wrestlers who could totally kick your butt (hello, Jessicka Havok!) should respectfully be left to wrestle to the best of their ability and not be paraded around like pieces of meat for the entertainment of a male demographic, I can safely say that approach number two is not the reason that Knockouts can and have outdrawn the rest of the roster. Bringing back Velvet Sky to rub her asshole on the camera and do terrible pedigrees while Taz does a stuttering, bumbling Jerry Lawler impression is maybe not the road they want to go down if they want their ratings back.
Speaking of catsuits, my hope is that her new look is just some of Goldust’s old gear someone bought through WWE Auctions, and she’ll keep rehashing it a la Marge’s Chanel suit. This week, a catsuit. Next week, French stockings and a halter!
Bonus worst: Pigeons – How do they work?
Alright, we’ve gotta get this straight. What are pigeons, and why does Velvet Sky have them inside of her? At one point I thought they were her breasts, and everyone just wanted her to take off her shirt. Now that I know they reside somewhere in her nethers, we should go over some theories and pick one.
1: She suffers from terrible gas and bloating but doesn’t feel comfortable saying farts, so instead she regressively calls them “pigeons.” Clearly WWE stole their Farting Natalya gimmick from TNA, but couldn’t keep it as sexy as Velvet Sky does so they gave up on it.
2. “Pigeons” means her fighting spirit, and she just wants to set her make-up gun to whore, and get out there and kick some butt.
3. Everyone just humours her, because no one knows what it means, and she is crazier than drunken, multiple-personality riddled Claire Forlani. In this scenario, the pigeons are played by her invisible friend Angus.
I implore you, dearest With Leather reading audience, to comment on what exactly they are so we can arrive at a decisive explanation and stick with it from now on.
Worst, but secretly Best: Kurt Angle, Brischoff Shipper
Wes and Garrett have to fight Robbies E and T tonight, and I am so worried. Fighting a brute as big as Robbie T is almost as hard as trying to fight their feelings for one another. They pretend they’re just friends, but I can see it in their eyes. The lingering glances, the celebratory hugs that last a little too long…it’s so obvious. I can only hope this Five Hour Energy Drink gives them the strength to beat these two, and just maybe the courage to own up to their feelings. Oh, Wes, you fool! Just kiss him already!
Faith and hope,
Let’s face it: TNA has done a lot of dumb things. It’s done some great things, but also innumerable terrible, horrible things. As wrestling fans, we’re trained to believe that the most ridiculous concepts are completely feasible: a snake in a bag can make a giant run in fear; a Steiner Recliner is actually painful; the shirtless existence of Gunner. Trying to make us believe that Garrett Bischoff and Wes Brisco are people who should be wrestling on television is something that even the most “it’s real to me!” fans can scoff at. And yet here we are.
Making Kurt Angle – Olympic Gold Medalist, All-Time Wrestling Great – act excited at the idea of these two being involved in the company in any way is something I absolutely can’t wrap my head around. At this point my brain has justified it as Kurt Angle being really into shipping these two in the most fan-fictional of manners. I can all too easily picture Kurt sitting cross-legged on his Bald Eagle-themed comforter, flooding FFNET with Brischoff stories, and occasionally Mary Stu-ing himself in as the Five Hour Energy-shilling best friend who makes them realize their staggering yet unspoken love of one another.
TNA will more than likely have them betray Kurt’s taurine-fueled friendship by being secret members of Aces & Eights, but I refuse to believe this is anything more than someone at TNA Creative bringing their M/M Fiction:MA Brisco/Bischoff drabbles to work with them, and getting them mixed up with the show’s script.
Best: Joseph Park, Attorney at LAWESOME
I don’t know about you, but to me Joseph Park is the absolute best thing about IMPACT. This week, he shows up to OVW in a Volkswagen Beetle (!), is incredulous that Danny Davis expects him to start immediately (it’s okay, so I am I), and does sit-ups in a suit. Also, this:
Hee! Yes you are, Joseph Park. Yes you are.