I’m hyperbolic about … basically everything.
The title of “best pay-per-view of all time” is a hard one to bestow. A lot of people will say Wrestlemania 3, or Wrestlemania 10, or Wrestlemania X-7. As an NWA kid, I might say Starrcade ’85, or The Great American Bash ’89. Maybe Wrestlewar ’92. That’s lofty company, and I don’t want to sound hyperbolic when I say that last night’s Money in the Bank show seems like it’s as good as any of them. How do I come to terms with that? How do you admit that this new thing is just as good as the old stuff you’ve been building a love on your entire life?
I am a nerd about wrestling on the Internet, and to me, it was wonder.
Best: Daniel Bryan is a NERD, KING
I don’t want to fill the parts of this that aren’t about CM Punk with CM Punk, but one of my favorite wrestling memories is being live at Wrestlemania 24 (right at that moment when Chavo Guerrero and Kane were having 4 second matches for the ECW Championship when you thought Punk was too small a fish in too big a pond) and seeing Punk win his first Money in the Bank briefcase. I remember my good friend Bill Hanstock flipping out, turning to me and yelling ARE YOU KIDDING ME over and over.
Part of me felt that way last night, watching my favorite wrestler in the world win Money in the Bank. Sure, there’s always a chance that the guy who wins it is going to be the first to lose a cash-in (that really should’ve happened to Jack Swagger), and hell, part of me though Bryan was going to get fed to Punk at the end of the show, but as of right now there is a greater logistical chance than ever of “American Dragon” Bryan Danielson becoming WWE Champion. That would make me the happiest person ever. I want him to keep it for a year and a half. I want a match where Big Andy Leavine’s hand gets sliced open and Daniel Bryan taps him out by working it for twenty minutes. I want him defeating Drew McIntyre with a small package at the 28-minute mark.
Worst case scenario, I want him to be a popular wrestler and remain employed for as long as possible, because he’s great and deserves it. Actually, nevermind, worst case scenario is Edge coming out of retirement, spearing Bryan, taking his title shot and cashing it in for absolutely no f**king reason whatsoever.
I wish WWE hadn’t conditioned me to always expect the worst.
Worst: I Forgot Who Was In This While It Was Going On
Admittedly I don’t watch a lot of Smackdown, but these Money in the Bank participants were decided so quickly and randomly that at one point in the match Cody Rhodes shows up and I’m all, “oh, cool, Cody Rhodes is in this”. And that was seriously about ten minutes in.
As cool as it is to pile these guys on and have them do crazy spots to each other, I wonder if Money in the Bank wouldn’t mean something greater emotionally if we did it with four, maybe five guys. For example, people always speak fondly of Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon at Wrestlemania X, but nobody is going to care about those Jung Dragons/Three Count/Knoble and Karagias triple threat tag team ladder farts from Nitro no matter how many times you shoehorn them onto a DVD.
Worst: But Seriously, the Nerd Thing
Michael Cole is getting into that scary territory he got into on NXT where people started thinking his nonchalant, insulting character was funny, so they turned it up way too loud and we suffered through six months of sailor tattoos and blaze orange singlets and 60,000 emotional instances of Jack Swagger putting Jerry Lawler in the ankle lock. Cole is extremely interested in calling Daniel Bryan a nerd, so much so that he’ll do it in response to any sentence. It doesn’t have to be Booker T saying Daniel Bryan is tenacious (or whatever), it is literally anything:
Lawler: “Wade Barrett just punched Sheamus.”
Booker: “that right there is what we call a punch, king, and that right there will knock yo lights out, knock you clean out, that right there”
Cole: “DANIEL BRYAN LIKES BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, WTF”
And nobody f**king mentioned Battlestar Galactica. He’s like Austin Powers trying not to say “mole”. He used it on AJ on Smackdown, too, because she said “dude”. WHO SAYS DUDE, AJ IS A NERD. AJ is a gorgeous tiny gymnast made out of muscles and Ashley Massaro’s leftover underwear. When did “dude” become a nerd qualifier? The only people I know who say dude are surfers, frat guys and Ninja Turtles.
Worst: Goodbye, Mexico’s Rose
So hey guys, how about that Sin Cara?
In accordance with its Talent Wellness Program, WWE has suspended Luis Ignascio Urive Alvirde (Sin Cara) for 30 days for his first violation of the company’s policy.
WWE, if any of your representatives are reading this, I have a great idea. Have you ever heard of a wrestler named “Ricochet”? He wrestles in Dragon Gate, used to be in CHIKARA as Helios. Anyway, he’s skinny and olive-skinned, hire him for 1/10th of what you’re paying Mistico, dress him like Sin Cara, and let him do all this basic lucha sh** without screwing it up. I’ve seen him do a double moonsault with my own goddamned eyes, I’m pretty sure he can do a headscissors without f**king up and dropping himself, Chavo Guerrero and 2/3rd of the audience on their faces.
The best part of that paragraph is that I assume a guy in Dragon Gate isn’t on a ton of drugs. CIMA could inject anabolic steroids into a bag of weed and sell it at his gym, nobody would care. He could call it DO GREAT BREATHING STRENGTH.