The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 3/28

Pro Wrestling Editor
03.29.11 61 Comments

He brings it.

The Best and Worst of Raw 3/28/11 offers up the best (meaning the highest quality to be found in a given activity or category of things) and worst (most faulty, unsatisfactory, or objectionable) of the March 28 edition of WWE Raw. Brandon Stroud is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, The Best and Worst of Raw 3/28/11, is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

I’ve got a lot to say about last night’s main event confrontation, so let’s get right to it.

Best: John Cena > The Rock, Deal With It

The Rock has been “The Great One” exactly two times in his career. The first was when he became a member of the Nation of Domination and started telling Jennifer Flowers about the expense of his shirts. The second was when he shaved his head, put on a leather vest and started playing locally-condescending country and western songs on a guitar for seemingly no reason. Those are the only two Rocks that deserve your chanting and bowing.

Every other time he’s been a sweaty, gesturing jerk in block letter T-shirts shouting asinine catchphrases about the vagina and somehow becoming a wrestling icon despite never being the best guy in the company. Stone Cold Steve Austin was better than him in his prime, and now John Cena is better than him. John Cena is a lot better than him.

Last night’s main event segment (which couldn’t possibly be a match… can we still say match? Sorry, which couldn’t possibly be an entertainment) exhibited clearly why I’ve always sort of disliked Rocky; Rock came to the ring twitching and soaking wet, cut a 28-minute speech about how he loves Jesus and whooping ass, and continued his beef with Cena. Cena came to the ring and (in an admittedly very un-Cena-like turn of events) explained calmly, logically and confidently why everything the Rock was saying was bullsh:t. He spoke the truth. Rock has no actual issue with him, he’s just cherry picking these easy to digest phrases for people to laugh at and repeat (Fruity Pebbles, Power Ranger, Barney the Dinosaur). He’s like a living Sony Pictures Animated film. There isn’t a joke, he’s just saying coup d’état in a funny voice so kids will repeat it in the theater.

How does Rock respond? By threatening to beat him up. That’s it. That’s all he’s got. “I’m going of make fun of you. Wait, you can’t respond, LET’S FIGHT.” Cena completely shut down the Rock’s defenses by literately explaining that he’s full of crap, and Rock didn’t have anywhere to go. Thinking objectively, little kids should be cheering for Rocky’s stimulus response act and grown men should be cheering Cena as the emotionally sincere company man who isn’t going to back down from this bully’s ten year old nonsense.

What are your talking points against him? The same ones as the Rock. His shirt is too bright! Big deal. Grow up. Only kids like him! Only kids and adults who think for themselves and don’t jump on the Internet to figure out what they should think. He’s a bad white rapper! Yeah, and I’m bad at baseball, but I still like to do it. Cena is a human being, and despite being the most 2-D motherf**ker walking, he’s the most three dimensional ace the WWE has ever had. And he’s better than the Rock. He’s had more great matches, more memorable moments (good or bad), and his catchphrases are about 5% less dumb. Cena rules. Deal with it.

Worst: Cocaine Outside of the 1980s

But no, seriously, did you SEE the Rock? He kept blinking and staring at everyone like he was Val Kilmer in At First Sight, pouring full bottles of water over his head, shouting about Jesus, rambling on and on about “Team Bring It.” IF YOU’RE GONNA GO CAMPING YOU NEED TO BE ON TEAM BRING IT. YOUR TENT, SOME FOOD, YOU NEED TO BRING IT. He was the Dwayne Johnson Twitter Account That Walked Like A Man. He was tweaking his ass off, and honestly, outside of Cena calling him gay a couple of times, why the hell is he even so mad? You’re hosting Wrestlemania, you aren’t even wrestling. Calm the hell down.

In the 80s, Hogan could snort a line (eleven lines) of coke and give an awesome interview about having magical power sources in his palms and saving Donald Trump from collapsing fault lines. People don’t buy that anymore. Now it just makes you look like a creep. Rock looked like a member of The Power Team. An underwater member.

Secondary Worst: Miz Is Stalling

The Miz’s entire adult life has been building to this. We found out he was a wrestling fan (of course he was a wrestling fan) by watching him do a crappy impression of The Rock on The Real World. He gets into WWE, goes from a nobody to a somebody with a lot of hard work and only John Morrison’s inaccurately spinning coattails to ride, and boom, The Rock comes back to host Wrestlemania. This is Miz’s dream coming true. This is the most important thing he’s ever going to do in wrestling. So what happens?

He comes out with Alex Riley and cuts the same slow talking “laaaast weeeeeek johhhhhn ceeeeena” promo, makes some bad points, looks like an amateur next to Rock and Cena, then gets beaten up by a retired guy with a one on two disadvantage. The show goes off the air with Cena and Rock creating three simultaneous worldwide trends and Miz scurrying away off camera somewhere.

I love you, Miz, but you’ve got to come stronger than that. Go into business for yourself if you have to, you’re going to be here next Monday. The Rock isn’t.

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