The Best and Worst of Raw 3/28/11 offers up the best (meaning the highest quality to be found in a given activity or category of things) and worst (most faulty, unsatisfactory, or objectionable) of the March 28 edition of WWE Raw. Brandon Stroud is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, The Best and Worst of Raw 3/28/11, is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide.
I’ve got a lot to say about last night’s main event confrontation, so let’s get right to it.
Best: John Cena > The Rock, Deal With It
The Rock has been “The Great One” exactly two times in his career. The first was when he became a member of the Nation of Domination and started telling Jennifer Flowers about the expense of his shirts. The second was when he shaved his head, put on a leather vest and started playing locally-condescending country and western songs on a guitar for seemingly no reason. Those are the only two Rocks that deserve your chanting and bowing.
Every other time he’s been a sweaty, gesturing jerk in block letter T-shirts shouting asinine catchphrases about the vagina and somehow becoming a wrestling icon despite never being the best guy in the company. Stone Cold Steve Austin was better than him in his prime, and now John Cena is better than him. John Cena is a lot better than him.
Last night’s main event segment (which couldn’t possibly be a match… can we still say match? Sorry, which couldn’t possibly be an entertainment) exhibited clearly why I’ve always sort of disliked Rocky; Rock came to the ring twitching and soaking wet, cut a 28-minute speech about how he loves Jesus and whooping ass, and continued his beef with Cena. Cena came to the ring and (in an admittedly very un-Cena-like turn of events) explained calmly, logically and confidently why everything the Rock was saying was bullsh:t. He spoke the truth. Rock has no actual issue with him, he’s just cherry picking these easy to digest phrases for people to laugh at and repeat (Fruity Pebbles, Power Ranger, Barney the Dinosaur). He’s like a living Sony Pictures Animated film. There isn’t a joke, he’s just saying coup d’état in a funny voice so kids will repeat it in the theater.
How does Rock respond? By threatening to beat him up. That’s it. That’s all he’s got. “I’m going of make fun of you. Wait, you can’t respond, LET’S FIGHT.” Cena completely shut down the Rock’s defenses by literately explaining that he’s full of crap, and Rock didn’t have anywhere to go. Thinking objectively, little kids should be cheering for Rocky’s stimulus response act and grown men should be cheering Cena as the emotionally sincere company man who isn’t going to back down from this bully’s ten year old nonsense.
What are your talking points against him? The same ones as the Rock. His shirt is too bright! Big deal. Grow up. Only kids like him! Only kids and adults who think for themselves and don’t jump on the Internet to figure out what they should think. He’s a bad white rapper! Yeah, and I’m bad at baseball, but I still like to do it. Cena is a human being, and despite being the most 2-D motherf**ker walking, he’s the most three dimensional ace the WWE has ever had. And he’s better than the Rock. He’s had more great matches, more memorable moments (good or bad), and his catchphrases are about 5% less dumb. Cena rules. Deal with it.
Worst: Cocaine Outside of the 1980s
But no, seriously, did you SEE the Rock? He kept blinking and staring at everyone like he was Val Kilmer in At First Sight, pouring full bottles of water over his head, shouting about Jesus, rambling on and on about “Team Bring It.” IF YOU’RE GONNA GO CAMPING YOU NEED TO BE ON TEAM BRING IT. YOUR TENT, SOME FOOD, YOU NEED TO BRING IT. He was the Dwayne Johnson Twitter Account That Walked Like A Man. He was tweaking his ass off, and honestly, outside of Cena calling him gay a couple of times, why the hell is he even so mad? You’re hosting Wrestlemania, you aren’t even wrestling. Calm the hell down.
In the 80s, Hogan could snort a line (eleven lines) of coke and give an awesome interview about having magical power sources in his palms and saving Donald Trump from collapsing fault lines. People don’t buy that anymore. Now it just makes you look like a creep. Rock looked like a member of The Power Team. An underwater member.
Secondary Worst: Miz Is Stalling
The Miz’s entire adult life has been building to this. We found out he was a wrestling fan (of course he was a wrestling fan) by watching him do a crappy impression of The Rock on The Real World. He gets into WWE, goes from a nobody to a somebody with a lot of hard work and only John Morrison’s inaccurately spinning coattails to ride, and boom, The Rock comes back to host Wrestlemania. This is Miz’s dream coming true. This is the most important thing he’s ever going to do in wrestling. So what happens?
He comes out with Alex Riley and cuts the same slow talking “laaaast weeeeeek johhhhhn ceeeeena” promo, makes some bad points, looks like an amateur next to Rock and Cena, then gets beaten up by a retired guy with a one on two disadvantage. The show goes off the air with Cena and Rock creating three simultaneous worldwide trends and Miz scurrying away off camera somewhere.
I love you, Miz, but you’ve got to come stronger than that. Go into business for yourself if you have to, you’re going to be here next Monday. The Rock isn’t.
Best: Morrison Sucks, Vickie Knows It
I feel like Vickie and Daniel Bryan are the two people I can count on to always be in the “best.” Vickie took the piss out of John Morrison’s slow motion entrance, then delivered a quick, effective super villain promo about how Snooki is an oft-unconscious whore. Then she just cackled until somebody else’s music started up. Vickie is the best, and she keeps getting fit and looking better, to the point that all the fat jokes are starting to sound a little Molly Holly . Maybe they haven’t debuted Awesome Kong yet because they didn’t know a heavyset lady could actually exist. If Candice Michelle was fat, what is Kong?
Worst: Snooki Sucks, Nobody Knows It
The Internet says Snooki showed up three hours late to film her segment for Raw, and that it took five hours to shoot. The result? Trish Stratus continues her Awkwardness Tour 2011 for about forty seconds while Snooki sips a drink, says “woo bitches” and slaps a guy. That’s it. After a heavy edit, we jump to a scene where LayCool arrives and says “um,” prompting Snooki to violently attack them. This took place at a public bar and is caught on video, which means Snooki should be tossed into hypothetical jail like so much nWo running so many Steiner Brothers off the road.
I’ve lived through Karl Malone and Jay Leno wrestling, so I understand why sometimes a celebrity gets tossed into something pointless to draw publicity. And I know that a pro wrestling post on a sports comedy blog isn’t the time to wax on the nature of television reality celebrity. But come on, guys, really? Snoop Dogg clotheslining Santino is one thing. That guy recorded Doggystyle. This is something completely different. If you really want a big-titted nobody from MTV to show up and be hateful to your wrestlers, at least bring in Coral. She has an instant program with the Miz. He isn’t giving title shots to any of the black superstars!
Best: HHH vs. Taker Is Now Money
The Triple H and Undertaker face-to-face confrontation seemed like a weird thing to have (especially when they were advertising it with footage of the face-to-face confrontation they had like three weeks ago), but it ended up being one of the best no-nonsense pro wrestling segments they’ve had in years. H respects Taker, but is confident that he’ll win. Taker and Shawn Michaels both know H is f**ked, but he doesn’t. At least not until the very last second when Shawn is gutted emotionally and tells H he can’t win. It’s respect and history playing off one another, and it’s a fantastic moment of basic storytelling to finally get me into the match.
However,
Worst: It Might Be Too Late
Shouldn’t this have been the first segment between the two? Shouldn’t this have happened when the Undertaker returned to set up the match, instead of cramming five weeks worth of plot points into a single confrontation? Let’s count all the things they could’ve covered in the last month, now that we’ve seen this segment:
1. HHH thinks it’s time for Undertaker to retire, and think he’s the one to put him down.
2. HHH respects the Undertaker for all he’s done in the business.
3. Taker respects HHH for what he’s done, and thinks that if anybody should put him down, it should be H.
4. HHH and Shawn Michaels are buddies, and H thinks Shawn thinks he can beat Taker.
5. Shawn is upset at HHH for thinking he can beat Taker easily, when Shawn took him on twice and lost spectacularly both times.
6. Taker secretly gets off on the fact that he humbled and retired Shawn, turning him into this weird little dancing cross-eyed hunting enthusiast.
7. Shawn still hasn’t gotten over those losses, no matter how gracefully he tried to ride off into the sunset.
8. HHH is the only person in the world who thinks he can beat Taker, but doesn’t realize it until the very last moment, when HBK tells him he can’t win.
9. So now H is in this spot where he’s got to win, he’s got to do what Shawn couldn’t and end the most hyped up and storied wrestling streak in history against the most confident guy in the world and a universe of people who think he’s up a creek.
That’s a great story, right? Here’s what we got.
1. Undertaker returns.
2. HHH returns.
3. Undertaker taunts.
4. HHH points at his dick.
5. They both point at the Wrestlemania sign.
And that is IT. For like THREE WEEKS. That’s nothing. That is garbage. Come on, the story is RIGHT THERE. Tell it.
Secondary Best: “Ma’am.”
But no, seriously, Shawn walking away scared, telling HHH that he can’t win, and H turning around to see Taker tipping his hat and smirking is absolutely amazing. In one little gesture Taker was like, “haha you’re f**ked, take it easy.”
Worst: Turn On Your Hometown Without Excerpt Quotes
When CM Punk started off the show sitting in the middle of the ring in a spotlight, I got excited … and when he said “Chicago” I got excited again, because I love when pro wrestling crowds react to things independently and don’t just hee-haw at everything they’re supposed to. But then I remembered how modern WWE writing works, and thought about how “Chicago” being mentioned meant Punk was going to explain how much he HATES Chicago and all the people in it. Sure enough, that’s what happened.
I’m no WWE writer (as I have not spent three to five years writing hacky controversial lesbian storylines on All My Children), but if I were, I think I’d let Punk have his Chicago audience. He doesn’t need to break out the same sh:tty talking points (which are “you people” and “each and every one of you”), he can hate Orton and be a scumbag who gets booed across the country and still not arbitrarily hate his friends and family. You don’t need shades of gray to be complex, you dumb jerks, you just need a basic level of human complexity.
Best: Skip Is Gonna Kiiiilll You
I have to admit, as bad as the New Nexus storyline has been, I’m pretty excited for the possibility of Skip Sheffield returning at Wrestlemania and absolutely lighting up gimpy, Ken Anderson-ass Randy Orton. Skip was a member of Nexus when he got hurt and never got booted, and he isn’t banned from ringside because he didn’t go through those matches with Orton. Skip can show up, powerslam the spray tan off Orton and give Punk the win. Punk winning is really the only way this can go, because 1) Punk really needs to look like a constructive part of these shows and 2) Orton has gotten about as bad as humanly possible lately. The snake pose is still pretty fun, but those sleepy promos and false wives and chinlock stompfests have got to go.
I just want to be able to stand up at a sports bar on Sunday and yell YIP YIP YIP WHAT IF F**KING DO.
Best: Quadruple Trombones
I’m your average smarkier-than-thou type on the Internet, and I’ve been watching wrestling long enough to get tired of the X-Division style of yakuza kick gymnastics, but I’m not jaded enough to start unironically liking people like Kane. Kane has always been one of my least favorite wrestlers, and I don’t care how handcuffed by the gimmick he is. He’s slow, boring, too fake to handle and always involved in the very worst storylines. Katie Vick. The Snitsky-flavored abduction and rape and abortion thing. Shane McMahon with a battery hooked up to his balls. Stuffed Paul Bearers getting accidentally murdered. He’s terrible in every way, and nobody paying attention should be taking him seriously.
That’s why I enjoyed him whipping out a pantomimed trombone to celebrate with Santino and Kozlov. The only value I see in Kane now is as a Stalker Ichikawa type. He’s the DEVIL’S FAVORITE DEMON~ but he occasionally breakdances. See, I can get behind that. Although I do miss when Santino layered the trombone act and made Melina and Beth Phoenix play different instruments. Why are we celebrating with four trombones?
And… Best? What Is Going On: Cole Is A Dead Man
I’m happy when the Best and Worst of Raw ends up being more Best than Worst. Last night’s show was fun, even if you notice how none of my bests or worsts had anything to do with the seventy seconds of wrestling that happened. Michael Cole called Edge and Christian one of the greatest tag teams “in entertainment history,” but even that was evened out by Lawler going 0.5 Memphis, jacking up Swagger with a steel chair and trying to climb into the Cole Mine. The segment needed a fireball, but it was fun. Hopefully this is the last time I’ll have to type it, but WWE types, if you’re listening (and not just watching All My Children for spot ideas), bloody Cole up, set him on fire and piledrive him onto the cement.
It’s pay-per-view. You don’t have to be TV-PG. Do it this one time, and if it’s the only time anybody got set on fire and cut in the face and piledriven onto the floor in the modern area, those little kids will remember it FOREVER.
