The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/5/12: In Celebration Of Transvestite Wonder Women

John Cena celebration Raw

Pre-show notes, written on my forearm in sharpie to make a point:

Don’t be afraid to leave a comment on this report. We’ve build a great community of intelligent, funny wrestling fans and you should be a part of it, because seriously, you aren’t gonna find it anywhere else.

– Big thanks again to Casey/THESTINGER for helping me out with gifs and pictures. Be sure to visit his gifs Tumblr for the stuff I didn’t use, especially the one of Dusty Rhodes emptying garbage into a garbage truck. Special thanks to teens on the Internet for that one Hayley gif.

– Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.

– If you’re going to be at Wrestlemania this year (or in Miami for Wrestlemania weekend, at least), make sure you let me know so we can find each other in the darkness a la The Green Mile and say hi.

Please to enjoy the Best and Worst Of WWE Raw for March 6, 2012.

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Worst: “Time To Play The Game” Starting Any Raw, No Matter What

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Worst: Two Legendary WWE Champions Are Facing Each Other For The Very Last Time In Undertaker’s Attempt At 20-0 At Wresltemania…

Here are your three major Wrestlemania feuds (not counting Derrick Bateman vs. Heath Slater), presented in clear to understand terms.

1. CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho. Both men claim to be the best wrestler in the world.

2. John Cena vs. The Rock. WWE’s biggest star of the 2000s and one of its biggest stars of the 90s come to blows at last year’s Wrestlemania and, in an unprecedented moment in wrestling history, arrange to have a match a year later.

3. Triple H vs. The Undertaker. The Undertaker’s legendary Wrestlemania streak is about to hit a milestone 20-0, but the 13-time champion and current WWE COO Triple H, the man who came within a breath of ending Taker’s career and streak last year, stands in his way.

This is how they’re playing out on television.

1. CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho. Both men claim to be the best wrestler in the world.

2. John Cena vs. The Rock. Two guys without a lot of valid talking points just kinda slur each other on the Internet for a year, then stand in the ring and call each other a bitch. One is an emotionally unstable frat boy who is really cool except for when he flips out and beats people up, the other a really cool guy from LA who just wants to talk about his dick all the time.

3. Triple H vs. The Undertaker. Triple H has been guilted into a match with The Undertaker through a combination of wanting to officially end the Attitude Era, guilt over whether or not he’s a better wrestler than Shawn Michaels and some confrontational video package hair-cutting. THIS BUSINESS hangs in the balance, though nobody is quite sure why or even which business they’re talking about, and also Hell In A Cell is there.

Seems like “The Undertaker is gonna get to 20-0, Shawn Michaels and Triple H have both lost to him at Wrestlemania twice so they’ve got to figure out a way to beat him or his legacy will overshadow theirs forever” would’ve worked. Or “wow, Undertaker might be 20-0”. Or “IMPORTANT PEOPLE WRESTLING AT WRESTLEMANIA”.

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Best: Jack Swagger’s Newt Gingrich Hair

It’s amazing how such a tiny thing can make a guy’s character feel complete. Jack Swagger has been rocking that terrible Jericho-esque thin hair blowfish sh*t for so long I forgot he was a collegiate wrestler who looks and sounds like a five-year old with Jack disease who is also a monster. Giving him that Lego Man haircut is perfect, and if anyone should throw on an Express For Men sweater and talk college football backstage with David Otunga, it’s Swagger.

Vickie Guerrero upskirt shot unrelated.

Best: Santino Marella And The Slow, Purposeful Cobra Redirect

Santino_Cobra_Redirect_WWEWhile Dolph Ziggler’s incredible sell of a Cobra strike earns a best, my favorite part of the Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger comedy-and-run-in-athon was Santino taking out Ziggler, almost taking out Vickie, then slowly and dramatically tuuuurning the Cobra’s head around to focus on a downed Swagger.

Say what you will about Santino’s crowd reactions, whether or not he’s a good choice to hold a secondary championship or how stupid it is that people are dying from a hand puppet finger-poke, but this is working. Santino always levels up when he adds unnecessary realism to the Cobra, whether it be holding it back to keep it from striking Vickie or that awesome match on Superstars where he practically broke Zack Ryder’s leg with it. The Worm only had one speed — one-handed bulldog that magically flips you over, frantic dancing and a slow, boring, wormy payoff. The Cobra is dynamic, and that’s … that’s weird.

Best: Okay, Fresh Start! Now Let’s Make The US Championship A Thing

Of all the people on WWE’s Superstars page, taking into consideration that they already tried something nationalistic with Sheamus and didn’t like it, Jack Swagger is the guy who should be United States Champion. His catchphrase says “American” several times and he’s got red white and blue everything. He should be the new Kurt Angle, only a foot taller and with less ostrich jerky. He isn’t, so let’s try again.

The easiest way to do this is to have Santino get some low-level wins on NXT or Superstars against guys who can give him fun but not necessarily emotionally taxing matches (like Tyson Kidd or Camacho) (lol, Camacho) and build up to a “real” defense against someone of the Dolph Ziggler variety on Raw. Santino is popular right now and has your Raw undercard belt. If you don’t do this, do something.

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