The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/5/12: In Celebration Of Transvestite Wonder Women

John Cena celebration Raw

Pre-show notes, written on my forearm in sharpie to make a point:

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– Big thanks again to Casey/THESTINGER for helping me out with gifs and pictures. Be sure to visit his gifs Tumblr for the stuff I didn’t use, especially the one of Dusty Rhodes emptying garbage into a garbage truck. Special thanks to teens on the Internet for that one Hayley gif.

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Please to enjoy the Best and Worst Of WWE Raw for March 6, 2012.

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Worst: “Time To Play The Game” Starting Any Raw, No Matter What

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Worst: Two Legendary WWE Champions Are Facing Each Other For The Very Last Time In Undertaker’s Attempt At 20-0 At Wresltemania…

Here are your three major Wrestlemania feuds (not counting Derrick Bateman vs. Heath Slater), presented in clear to understand terms.

1. CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho. Both men claim to be the best wrestler in the world.

2. John Cena vs. The Rock. WWE’s biggest star of the 2000s and one of its biggest stars of the 90s come to blows at last year’s Wrestlemania and, in an unprecedented moment in wrestling history, arrange to have a match a year later.

3. Triple H vs. The Undertaker. The Undertaker’s legendary Wrestlemania streak is about to hit a milestone 20-0, but the 13-time champion and current WWE COO Triple H, the man who came within a breath of ending Taker’s career and streak last year, stands in his way.

This is how they’re playing out on television.

1. CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho. Both men claim to be the best wrestler in the world.

2. John Cena vs. The Rock. Two guys without a lot of valid talking points just kinda slur each other on the Internet for a year, then stand in the ring and call each other a bitch. One is an emotionally unstable frat boy who is really cool except for when he flips out and beats people up, the other a really cool guy from LA who just wants to talk about his dick all the time.

3. Triple H vs. The Undertaker. Triple H has been guilted into a match with The Undertaker through a combination of wanting to officially end the Attitude Era, guilt over whether or not he’s a better wrestler than Shawn Michaels and some confrontational video package hair-cutting. THIS BUSINESS hangs in the balance, though nobody is quite sure why or even which business they’re talking about, and also Hell In A Cell is there.

Seems like “The Undertaker is gonna get to 20-0, Shawn Michaels and Triple H have both lost to him at Wrestlemania twice so they’ve got to figure out a way to beat him or his legacy will overshadow theirs forever” would’ve worked. Or “wow, Undertaker might be 20-0”. Or “IMPORTANT PEOPLE WRESTLING AT WRESTLEMANIA”.

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Best: Jack Swagger’s Newt Gingrich Hair

It’s amazing how such a tiny thing can make a guy’s character feel complete. Jack Swagger has been rocking that terrible Jericho-esque thin hair blowfish sh*t for so long I forgot he was a collegiate wrestler who looks and sounds like a five-year old with Jack disease who is also a monster. Giving him that Lego Man haircut is perfect, and if anyone should throw on an Express For Men sweater and talk college football backstage with David Otunga, it’s Swagger.

Vickie Guerrero upskirt shot unrelated.

Best: Santino Marella And The Slow, Purposeful Cobra Redirect

Santino_Cobra_Redirect_WWEWhile Dolph Ziggler’s incredible sell of a Cobra strike earns a best, my favorite part of the Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger comedy-and-run-in-athon was Santino taking out Ziggler, almost taking out Vickie, then slowly and dramatically tuuuurning the Cobra’s head around to focus on a downed Swagger.

Say what you will about Santino’s crowd reactions, whether or not he’s a good choice to hold a secondary championship or how stupid it is that people are dying from a hand puppet finger-poke, but this is working. Santino always levels up when he adds unnecessary realism to the Cobra, whether it be holding it back to keep it from striking Vickie or that awesome match on Superstars where he practically broke Zack Ryder’s leg with it. The Worm only had one speed — one-handed bulldog that magically flips you over, frantic dancing and a slow, boring, wormy payoff. The Cobra is dynamic, and that’s … that’s weird.

Best: Okay, Fresh Start! Now Let’s Make The US Championship A Thing

Of all the people on WWE’s Superstars page, taking into consideration that they already tried something nationalistic with Sheamus and didn’t like it, Jack Swagger is the guy who should be United States Champion. His catchphrase says “American” several times and he’s got red white and blue everything. He should be the new Kurt Angle, only a foot taller and with less ostrich jerky. He isn’t, so let’s try again.

The easiest way to do this is to have Santino get some low-level wins on NXT or Superstars against guys who can give him fun but not necessarily emotionally taxing matches (like Tyson Kidd or Camacho) (lol, Camacho) and build up to a “real” defense against someone of the Dolph Ziggler variety on Raw. Santino is popular right now and has your Raw undercard belt. If you don’t do this, do something.

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Worst: He’s Still Not Saying Anything

He’s a pretty funny guy when he’s pre-taped and can wear his sunglasses so you can’t see him reading cue cards, isn’t he?

I feel like I should be more upset about Rock once again breaking out “transvestite” as an insult (or the suggestion that wristbands make you a “transvestite Wonder Woman, fightin’ crime” … are you saying that Cena is a woman in drag, which is why he’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt instead of a corset and U.S. flag panties? Has he ever tried to deflect something with his wristbands or has he just used them to 1) sell merch and 2) catch sweat? Remember when you wore a full track suit for like three months to cover the scars from your boob job? Has John Cena ever tried to fight crime? At least make a joke about how his flying shoulderblocks look like that and hurt you so much because he’s piloting an invisible jet into you), but whatever.

I’m more worried about the people they keep cutting to in the audience, slapping their thighs and laughing like they just saw a baby hit somebody in the nuts with a plastic bat on America’s Funniest Home Videos because the Rock said “transvestite”. You are why we can’t have nice things.

For the first and only time on the night, Rock’s got a good point … a lot of Cena’s merchandise is worthless and stupid, but there’s gotta be a better way than picking up a John Cena toothbrush, shouting FAGGOT PISS at your camera crew and throwing a bunch of sh*t into a lake. And to quote Johnny Gargano, how do you turn a ball sideways?

Best: Garden Gnomes Are For Virgins, Right

The best part of this Rock promo (besides how it made me yell WHERE’S MY SUPER SUIT WHERE’S MY SUPER SUIT NYAH HEE HEE and run around my living room clapping my hands) is the garden gnome. Rock picked up the John Cena “you can’t see me” brand garden gnome, asked which “fourth dimension of Hell” (assumedly “blue Hell”) it came from, announced that its owner is a virgin and tossed it in the water.

Two things he doesn’t realize:

1. how useful that thing would be as Rock-It Launcher ammunition

2. It comes from the same dimension of Hell as this one:

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So is John Cena still to blame for his crappy merchandise, or are you both transvestites?

Worst: I Missed This Entire Segment

I went upstairs near the end of the commercial break to check on the Open Discussion Thread. The show came back on and I heard Eve’s music, so I closed the browser, sighed deeply and walked back down the stairs. By the time I turned to look at the television, Eve was pinning Alicia Fox and it was over. 33 seconds bell to bell. that’s it. Either Eve needs an instant Diva’s Championship shot for being the Goldberg of the division or Alicia Fox is a turtle with 1 HP, is destined for death and should consider a job where she won’t get knocked down once and lose her will to live. At least pretend you bumped your head on the way down or something. Jesus Christ.

Also:

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No.

The quick version: there are only three female WWE characters. The bitch, the ugly fat one or the pointing happy one who loves to entertain you the fans and is happy to take off her clothes at any time or kiss Lillian Garcia on the mouth to do so. None of those are empowered women. I will never expect WWE to understand, and will continue to be shocked when they don’t.

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Best: Kelly Kelly Is Actually The Best Option For This Award

If you go to Nick.com you can vote for the various Kids Choice Awards 2012 categories, including a Favorite TV Actor where Ty Burrell from ‘Modern Family’ is seriously pitted against the red Power Ranger Samurai and Favorite Buttkicker, featuring Kelly Kelly.

What’s weird is that despite Kelly spending the last year screaming in submission holds and then victory rolling folks out of nowhere, she’s the best choice to win. She’s up against f**king Jessica Alba of all people and Tom Cruise, who is the type to show up and smile all disingenuously when Moose tricked him into saying “I don’t know”. Also in the category is Twilight star/shaved llama Taylor Lautner, whose time spent in Robert Rodriguez’s chasmic shaft of no ideas puts us one step closer to the WWE vs. TNA fan fic I wish the Kids Choice Awards was.

Hopefully WWE can buy her a “Favorite Person Who Rubs Their Asshole In Your Face On Television” blimp and skips the formalities.

Worst: Has Zack Ryder Ever KNOWN A Handicapped Person?

Zack_Ryder_WWE_Cane_WalkI don’t know if Zack Ryder is trying to get on Botchamania or if he’s just never seen or known a person with an injury, but dude, take 20 seconds and observe an old person. That’s not how you walk with a cane. That’s how you walk with a cane if you’re the guy from Boyz II Men.

And you know, I don’t want to be a reality buzzkill (especially since “broken back” was downgraded to “herniated disc”, which was downgraded to “wearing a neckbrace but it’s okay to shove me down, bro”), but at least give me some footage of Ryder going through rigorous physical therapy to drum up some sympathy before he shows up good as new with a f**king Ma$e limp and a band-aid on his forehead.

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