– Only 52 more weeks til Wrestlemania 29 and 44 more until pointing at the sign season. Hooray!
– Let’s have a party in the comment section. I’ll (guest writer Chris Trew) will hang there all week long and we can discuss how exciting next week is gonna be when Brandon is not in an airplane during Raw.
– Thank you to Casey/THESTINGER for helping me out with gifs and pictures. Be sure to visit his gifs Tumblr for the stuff I didn’t use.
– Brandon will be back tomorrow with the Best And Worst Of Wrestlemania XXVIII, followed expeditiously by The Best And Worst Of Wrestlemania Weekend.
Okay, it’s my big moment! Here is the Best and Worst Of WWE Raw for April 2, 2012.
WORST: COOL PARTY YOU GUYS
Quite a gathering before Raw where a bunch of guys who don’t like each other can all manage to sit real close together. Someone interrupts Johnny’s speech and the camera can’t find who it is. It’s obviously Punk but he comes through the crowd like he’s Too Soon Hall of Famer Edge and it’s weird that the champion would be in the back of the room of an important meeting. the Great Khali is wearing a dress shirt.
Brodus Clay thinks Punk calling Laurinaitis a “toolbox” is really funny. Like, he’s super into it. Great Khali doesn’t get it At ALL (but he’s wearing a great dress shirt). Punk is a prankster, always telling jokes, says Johnny. Pranksters mainly play pranks though, not tell jokes. He should have said “Punk is a prankster, always pulling pranks” but I guess I can’t have everything I want.
People Power is said a couple of times but it doesn’t appear to be trending on Twitter so maybe we’ll never hear it again. All in all, a really cool party.
WORST: USE BOLD MARKER FOR POSTER BOARDS
Put your Twitter Feed Poster board in marker, bro. Because I would be following you right now but instead people are following me because I put my twitter handle in bold.
WORST: HEARING THE END OF ROCK’S INTRO SONG
Rock posing so much that his intro song (available on iTunes, I guess) got to that weird part where it slows down and sounds like Guitar Gary messed something up. So you know, I’m all for posing and was first in line for the WBF magazine when I was a kid (what up Gary Strydom!).
Later The Rock shows us his goosebumps and we get it. Then he shows us again and this time explains what he’s doing. Show don’t tell, Rocky. It’s like, you wouldn’t hand your girlfriend some roses and then stare at her for approval and then 5 minutes later hand her some more roses and this time say “I want you to know what I’m doing here so you don’t think I’m crazy. I’m giving you roses because I have passionate feelings for you.”
Then, when they mute the “Christ” in “Jesus H Christ” it’s awkward and I’m curious how many people thought of “Jesus HHH Christ”. You know, King of Kings. The Cerebral Savior.
BEST: MICHAEL COLE APPRECIATES CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE HUMOR
Dwayne was all like “you gotta be really terrible to get cut from the CFL” and then Michael Cole just laughs and laughs. Pretty sure that anyone watching Raw tonight who also happens to be a former Canadian Football League player who got cut felt Rock’s boot in their own ass. Way to alienate your fans.
BEST: CHANTING “YES YES YES” WHEN ROCKY SAYS HE’S STAYING
Maybe they felt bad because they started the “thank you rocky” chant right after the YES YES YES as if they were following a very precise script but let’s think for a minute that the crowd was like “oh, rocky is staying then i want him to fight daniel bryan” and then they all immediately started chanting YES YES YES.
Or let’s imagine that Daniel Bryan is so over that anytime anyone ever says anything that the live crowd appreciates they will YES YES YES it up real good. Or let’s imagine that YES YES YES is the new WHAT which would be great.
While we’re imagining, wouldn’t YES YES YES beat WHAT in a catchphrase casket match in less than 18 seconds?
WORST: ROCKY WIPES A MONKEYS ASS WITH THE WORD IMPOSSIBLE AND ALSO HE WANTS TO BE WWE CHAMPION
It’s impossible to do a physical activity with a word because a word isn’t something that you can hold in your hands and wipe an ass with just like it’s impossible to win a championship in a sport you don’t compete in anymore.
Or is it.
WORST: FIRST TIME SEEING SANTINO WEARING HIS BELT WHEN WE SAW HIM 24 HOURS PRIOR TO THIS IN A HIGH STAKES WRESTLEMANIA MATCH
Yeah, I know he wasn’t defending his title last night but geez, he’s the United States Champion. Can’t he walk to the ring with his damn belt? It’s awful enough the belt wasn’t being defended but when he can’t even wear it you’re just draining the importance away.
This kind of thing breaks my brain. If you’re the champion of something (anything, really) you should have your medal/belt/certificate on you at all times, especially when you’re working in said field you are champion of.
– If you’re the Veggie Hot Dog Eating Champion you should always carry around a room temperature veggie dog and wag it with pride.
– If you’re the Air Sex Champion you should always be doing your moves when you walk into a room.
– If you’re the Air Guitar Champion you should find a new hobby.
BEST: I TOOK IMPROV CLASSES WITH DOLPH ZIGGLER’S LITTLE BROTHER IN CHICAGO AND WE’RE FACEBOOK FRIENDS
But if you’ve watched wrestling with me once in the past 12 months you already know that.
BEST: TRIPLE THREAT MATCHES WITH EXTRA OOMF
Dolph does situps on Santino’s body. Jack does pushups on Santino’s body. That’s enough for me because I’m a huge sucker for training montages and playing pranks on people while they are sleeping. This might be the closest I get to a combination of both while watching my favorite sport.
But for reals, I love these types of matches because it’s difficult to predict what’s going to happen and that means if you just don’t let yourself turn into Pro Fantasy Booker Person then you’ll be surprised. I could see Jack Swagger establishing himself as Dolph’s #2, I could see Dolph setting his sites on the world title so he’s cool with his pal having the US title and I could see Santino overcoming the odds and planting a seed for the Dolph/Swagger split. It’s easy, it’s entertaining.
BEST: DON’T STROKE DOLPH ZIGGLERS HAIR
Because you might get some weird ooze disease and also you might give your opponent the upper hand and then lose your shot at a secondary title that appears to important but yeah, it’s not really.
BEST: BRODUS CLAY HAS SOMETHING TO DO
I’m sure most children and Brandon Stroud were confused when Brodus Clay came out looking real tough and like he wanted a piece of someone who’s had more than five minutes of television time. What was he doing there? Why isn’t he dancing? Is he shedding his Saturday morning cartoon candy shell and actually being intimidating? This is exciting!
BEST: LORD TENSAI TIME
I actively avoid a lot of rumor sites because I don’t like feeling like a prisoner so I had no idea who Tensai was until Mr. Stroud said so on this very column a couple weeks back. I’m not mad at him, but if I hadn’t known then I wonder what my train of thought would be.
– Is that Prince Albert?
– No, it’s not, it’s A-Train.
– Aren’t they they same person?
And then Trish Stratus would have appeared and said “Test and Albert. T and A.” real awkwardly. And then I would have been so excited I would have popped in my Wrestlemania 2000 DVD to see Test and Albert destroy Steve Blackman and Al Snow back when tag team wrestling and questionable Wrestlemania undercards mattered.
Anyways, sometimes I do want to feel like a prisoner so I watch Wife Swap and one time I saw this kid go to a tattoo shop as part of some sort of family team building adventure and when asked what he wanted to get permanently inked on his body he replied with “I don’t know some art shit”. I imagine that’s what Tensai said as well but he wanted that art shit all over his arms and chest and head and face too.
Pop quiz, if you had to either have Tensai’s face thing or Alex Riley’s giant cross on your body foreves, which would you take?
WORST: SAW YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, BRA
I smell a big meeting with the WWE Production Division of Producers sometime soon. There were a handful of flubs at Wrestlemania (cameras kept going to blur town, HBK’s pyro didn’t go off) and we just saw Tensai put something in his mouth because the production truck cut to the wrong camera I think.
I guess it’s part of his finisher but isn’t it cooler when we don’t see how the whatever got in his mouth the first time?
BEST: MARK HENRY BACK IN THE PICTURE
It’s cool when WWE pushes someone near the top and we’re all like “oh, this is interesting” (like Mark Henry) and then that person does a pretty good job of being at the top (like Mark Henry). It’s also frustrating when someone just kinda gets tossed out of the main event picture after a title run (like Mark Henry) because it doesn’t really take much effort to keep that person as “whoa, good” in our minds. Giving this title shot to Mark Henry the night after Wrestlemania makes me happy. It keeps him high status which is what you want your main eventers to be at all times, right?
Mark yelling “I AIN’T TOLD YOU TO MOVE YOU MOVE WHEN I TELL YOU” while Punk is all sprawled out and beat up is pretty awesome because man, I believe him. When people hook his leg in a pin it’s like they are trying to lift a trunk packed with sap (heavy). This guy is legit looking so shouldn’t he be legit booked ALL OF THE TIME. He also works out at Hyde Park Gym in Austin, Tx sometimes and I chose this column to let Brandon know that to make sure he’s actually reading.
BEST: COUNTOUT TO WIN
I don’t care, I’m into it. We hear the word “countout” so many times every week and we also see the referee counting to ten all the dang time but it doesn’t ever happen. I mean, Mark Henry is no (huss, huss) Berserker but he should be at least somewhat satisfied at getting a victory over the WWE Champion. It means he deserves a rematch. It means he’s legit because if anything, it at least means that he didn’t get pinned. That’s probably good enough criteria for a rematch at the next pay-per-view, right?
And if you were running a wrestling fantasy league you award more points for a countout victory than you would a disqualification, right?
BEST: NATURAL DISASTERS COMING BACK!
I know everyone on Twitter made this joke all at once as well but come on. This is huge news. Was Johnny talking about Typhoon or Earthquake? Or maybe The Hurricane? Wrath? Meltdown?
A hybrid of Typhoon and Tugboat named Tugphoon or Typhoat? All of the above? The Ministry of Natural Disasters? The Natural Disaster World Order? The Disaster Foundation? The Natural Disaster Mafia? The 4 Natural Disatersmen? The Nation of Natural Disaster Domination?
If there was some online petition to create more stables in pro wrestling I’d sign it with every email account I’ve ever opened.
BEST: BOING! Y2-WHOOPS! AYATOLLAH OF SLIP-OROLLA
I know we all knew that Jericho and Punk had more time in their feud and that Wrestlemania didn’t really solve anything and really I’m fine with that. But I always feel a whisper of disappointment when the night after Wrestlemania the same dudes are messing with each other all over again because they ain’t done yet.
Let’s say you ask Katie Parker out to the Winter Formal and she’s like “sure” and that night you dance with her twice, nothing happens because you don’t have chemistry and then you leave her at the dance because you went to a much cooler party. The next Monday at school do you even interact with Katie? No, because you settled your relationship at the dance that everyone paid $65 to see the previous weekend.
That said, Punk vs. Jericho at Extreme Rules is going to be fun and Punk is probably gonna break a glass of crystal pepsi on Jericho’s head because Jericho is probably going to break another half dozen bottles of liquor on Punk’s head and hopefully the bottle doesn’t CLEARLY START TO BREAK BEFORE IT REACHES ITS DESTINATION. Also would be cool if Jericho doesn’t slip in the mess he made but yeah, wipeouts are pretty funny.
Also, logic is fun and it makes sense that Jericho (being a huge dick) would pour booze all over Punk while he’s incapable of defending himself. Let’s all cross fingers that pouring booze all over someone who is repulsed by alcohol doesn’t become the new jumping off the roof of your house on some dude laying on a table in the front yard.
WORST: SLIDESHOW RECAP LONGER THAN MATCH
They are definitely rubbing this in, right? Right? Daniel Bryan gets the Chavo Guerrero treatment (times fartrillion) and then they show a slideshow recap that took longer than the amount of time the match took.
It also bugs me that Sheamus walks onto the ramp and does his pose before the really important part of his intro song hits. It’s like he’s in the Gorilla position and he hears “It’s a shame to…” on the speakers and he’s all “THAT’S MA MUSIC” and trots out, strikes his pose and is halfway down the ramp by the time the chorus hits.
BEST: INSERT DEL RIO HERE; FUN ENSUES
Sheamus is wrong, people don’t want to see you brogue kick anyone in the face.
Del Rio is right, nobody will remember Sheamus won the title, they will only remember Daniel Bryan getting totally boned.
This crowd is right, DAN-IEL BRY-AN DAN-IEL BRY-AN DAN-IEL BRY-AN
Ricardo is wrong, don’t give Alberto your mic because then we won’t be able to hear you plus Del Rio will be distracted (but we know you meant well).
Anyways, Alberto Del Rio!!! He’s back and man it feels like we have a LOT of talent on our hands these days. Exciting times.
WORST: JOHN CENA “CALLS OUT” THE ROCK
John Cena lost in the most important match of all time so what gives him the right to tell the graphics department at WWE that he’s “calling out” The Rock and why would the graphics department even bother with making that image. The following things never happened so Cena “calling out” The Rock also shouldn’t have happened:
– The Colts didn’t call out the Saints after losing Superbowl 44 (because they lost)
– Chris Paul didn’t call out the Hornets after losing his first game in New Orleans as a visitor (because he lost)
– Oklahoma or Ohio State didn’t call out LSU after winning the National Championship those times (because they lost) and no, I don’t remember what happened during last January’s National Championship
– Sean Payton didn’t appeal his suspension after getting caught lying
So why would Cena do this?
WORST: MACHINE GUN KELLY IS NOW SELF AWARE
I didn’t know who this corny kid was until last night and I’m cool with that. Also, very cool with the crowd booing him because, well, he was pretty terrible but then again I think that you could have had Whitney Houston’s ghost sing John Cena’s entrance and she would have gotten a nasty response.
What I’m not cool with is Machine Gun Kelly recognizing his position with the WWE Universe and joining in on the boo’s. We’d like to not like you and hurt your feelings in the process, please.
If there was anyone backstage who Creative wanted to get some heat on they should’ve sent a production assistant to MGK and say “hey, we’re giving you a mic, just talk about how Heath Slater is a rocking and rolling legend” and then voila, mega-heel.
BEST: SIGNS LOBBYING THE WWE TO BRING WRESTLEMANIA TO THEIR CITY
Only noticed a Vancouver one last night and (pretty sure) the same guy brought the same crisp sign again to Raw. This should happen more since having Wrestlemania in your city is rad because
– it’s a huge boost for the local economy
– you can sleep in your own bed after waiting in line all day to get an autograph from Eve then you can think of Eve while laying there if you wanna
– the more signs that the WWE sees in the crowd like this the more likely they are going to take it serious and sure, I’m not being totally real here but I guess I just wish there was some public criteria for choosing the city so we can all follow along. It’s pretty obvious that Dallas is coming up somewhere on the rotation because of that giant screen (also what’s the wrestling equivalent to touching it with a punt?) but who’s next ahem New Orleans who’s next?