– I’m afraid I’ve got some BAD NEWS. If you don’t share this column, it won’t be successful and I’ll have to stop making jokes and wait tables for a living. Can we get some decorum here?
– Want to watch a good, free wrestling show? Want to watch one where I’m the ring announcer? Inspire Pro Wrestling’s February show Light The Fuse is up on YouTube in its entirety, and it’s a thing you should watch.
– If you’ve been following the progress of Meet Me There, the reviews are starting to pour in and they’re extremely positive. So far we’ve heard from folks like Geekscape, UK Horror Scene, Deadshirt, The Dead House and more. If you’ve got a place that does movie reviews (or has “dead” in the title) and you want to check out our screener, hit me up so we can work something out.
Please click through to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 28, 2014.
Worst: John Cena Still Doesn’t Care What Bray Wyatt Does But He Also Cares THE MOST
This is what goes through my mind during John Cena’s Bray Wyatt promos:Subscribe to UPROXX
As I wrote about a little during the end of last week’s column, I can’t buy this feud any more because neither WWE Creative nor Cena himself allow the danger or drastic statements of character-ending horror to have consequences.
Cena was forced to confront the darkness in his soul or whatever at WrestleMania, and guess how he fought it back? By easily winning a wrestling match at WrestleMania. Then WHOOPS, the danger continued, and Cena’s STILL got to confront the darkness in his soul even though he already did it! On paper this could be an escalation … Wyatt claimed he’d have to go to greater lengths to drag Cena into his nihilistic abyss. That could work. But what’ve we gotten between WrestleMania and Extreme Rules? An added cage match stipulation, added by Cena, and the exact same attitudes the guys had before the first match. Wyatt laughs and sings and puts sheep masks on people. Cena acts really worried and distraught, then flips his switch and becomes a wacky jokester. Nothing matters. If Cena loses, he continues being Cena. That loss to The Rock at WrestleMania was supposed to change him forever, and the dude barely changed his shirt.
The idea that Wyatt’s message will spread to the world and “escape the cage” unless Cena beats him is a nice attempt at comparative imagery, but haven’t they pushed the “Wyatt doesn’t care about wins and losses” thing pretty hard since his debut? Is he gonna lose a cage match and then be all, “oh man, I’m sorry, I was probably wrong about all those things?” If the point of this feud is to bring out the dark side in US and teach US that everything is meaningless, then mission accomplished.
(Thanks to Justin for that video suggestion.)
Best: Bray Wyatt Leading A Chorus Of Creepy Sheep Children, Or
Worst: A Great Idea In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time
Bray Wyatt interrupting Cena with a chorus of children singing Bible songs and wearing sheep masks is, on its own, the best Best I can Best. I would be willing to work 8-10 more “bests” into that sentence. It’s the kind of unforgettable, game-changing thing Wyatt should be doing to establishment jerks like Cena on the reg. It’s also what they should’ve done the week before WrestleMania 30, when we weren’t 1000% sure Cena would brush it off with a wanking motion.
That’s the thing. It doesn’t matter now. It’s cool, but it’s all wrong.
Cena acted upset about it when he was in the ring, but he couldn’t even make it to the end of the show without announcing with jokey references to donkeys. You drop a nuke like this on a guy and he can’t even sell his mental anguish for three hours? Cena saying he’s gonna beat up Wyatt would be cool if he hadn’t already done it. Do you see a trend here? They’re just doing the first leg of the feud over again.
On top of all that, there was just something off with the production. At the end, when the kid in the sheep mask sat on Bray’s knee, that should’ve been the BLEARP and jump to commercial. Instead, we hung on Bray for a loooong time, listening to his maniacal laughter sound less and less legit until he was doing a scene from Austin Powers. Then we got MULTIPLE REPLAYS of the entire thing, lengthy singing and laughing included. By the end of the show I was like Cena … I’d been hit by how crazy and cool it was, but a few hours later I was just sick of having to think about it.
Best: The Usos Get A Tag Title Defense They Deserve
This was delightful, though, and exactly what The Usos needed.
The Usos have always sorta wrestled like video game characters. They hop in and out, do their moves, hit their spots. When they’re in danger they just look like guys selling WWE movesets by lying down until it’s time to get up. Not to say they’re “bad at selling” or whatever, that’s just what they’re supposed to do. When the New Age Outlaws are beating them up, it feels like they’re going through the motions, waiting to get to the end to do whatever’s been planned as the finish.
Here, they wrestled like a team. Vulnerability is a very underrated aspect of pro wrestling, especially in tag teams. When I was a kid, my life began and ended with Ricky Morton tagging in Robert Gibson. That was IT. Morton would be in there for DAYS it seemed like, getting the ever-loving shit kicked out of him by the Midnight Express. They’d Worldstar him for half an hour, and this battered, bloody dude would come through in the clutch and LEAP or ROLL or WHATEVER and it was on. It felt like I was in there with him, taking the damage, wondering if he was gonna be okay.
Last night’s Usos match felt like that too, with the dive to the outside causing an unexpected ankle injury, and one or both Usos being grounded and on the verge of collapse for most of the match. Rybaxel WHOMPED them, and the severity and timing of the beating was enough to make the thought of a Raw title change sneak into my brain. That’s how you know wrestling’s being done correctly … it makes you forget what you think you know, and exist in what you’re being told.
Also cool: taking advantage of Curtis Axel’s total absence of ring awareness to splash him mid-Perfect Plex.
Best: Rybaxel Speaking German, If You Haven’t Seen It Yet
You’ve probably seen this and shown it to your friends, but in case you haven’t:
So that’s why Axel keeps saying “shaa.”
Worst: SORRY SHEAMUS LOST TWICE THIS YEAR WE’LL MAKE IT BETTER SORRY, SORRY
I’m not even sure what this was. Sheamus, a guy who never loses, lost twice in the same week. Once on Smackdown, once on Raw. He lost cleanly to Bad News Barrett and sorta turned my world upside down. Is Sheamus going to be a dynamic character, now? A guy who can realistically win or lose matches to help build the believability of the universe and not make me make me feel cynical about the disconnect between his incredible in-ring ability and his incredibly bad character?
This week seemed like a make-up week, with Sheamus being jumped from behind to start the match and still managing to win it with one move. I’m not emotionally invested in Titus O’Neil or anything, but I always enjoy Sheamus a little less when he’s so overtly the White John Cena. You see those “wow, he really took it to me” faces Sheamus is trying to make to help put Titus over after the match? Yeah, nope, you beat him with one move. Don’t sweat it.