The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 4/4

The Best and Worst of Raw 4/4/11 offers up the best (meaning the highest quality to be found in a given activity or category of things) and worst (most faulty, unsatisfactory, or objectionable) of the April 4 edition of WWE Raw. Brandon Stroud is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, The Best and Worst of Raw 4/4/11, is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

A few notes as to why this column is featured on a sports comedy blog:

– The illusion of professional wrestling as a TV program is that it is presented as a loosely organized sport, classifying itself as “sports entertainment.” That makes it about as legitimate as professional boxing, baseball before the 1960s and that one Super Bowl where Kurt Warner totally fumbled on purpose.

– That being said, it is fun to write and talk about. Pretending it is real even when you know it isn’t is pro wrestling’s only bearable form. It’s not ignorance, it’s suspension of disbelief. Some people can do it and move the hell on with their lives, some can’t.

– Wrestling posts get 30 comments and lots of traffic and nobody but me and Buster Olney care about baseball.

Now, on to the fake fighting. Please stay tuned for several high-definition images of men in their underwear.

[images -> MGFanJay @ DVDR]

Best: Sin F’n Cara

Wrestling needs to be fun again. Somewhere between Samoa Joe’s descent into fat nothingness and a bunch of bloodless cage matches, televised wrestling stopped being fun. It became an ordeal, something to sit through, full of hairless, muscly guys with bad tribal tattoos with names like Chasyn Dance. There is a huge list of things that can turn pro graps on a dime and make it the funnest thing ever, and one of them is CRAZY IMPROMPTU LUCHA MADNESS.

That’s what we got in the debut of Sin Cara last night, the unbeatable combination of Mexico’s biggest draw, a trampoline, and Enigma’s “Sadness, Part 1.” Cara made his first appearance to stop (that damn bully~) Sheamus from assaulting Daniel Bryan after a United States Championship defense. He ran to the ring, hopped in over the top rope, hit a few exciting moves and topped it off with what the Spanish announcers called a SUPER PLANCHAAAA. Kids ran to the merchandise table and bought everything with Sin Cara’s name on it in size extra small. Sheamus got an exciting new opponent, Daniel Bryan got the best EWR fantasy tag team partner ever and I got a debuting superstar who is guaranteed to never use the phrases “you people” or “each and every one of you.” Because he doesn’t speak English. Score.

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Best: Sheamus and Daniel Bryan Get a Make-Up Game

It wasn’t the most thrilling match, but Sheamus and Bryan got to do a quick version of what I will still assume was an epic 25 minute Wrestlemania Savage and Steamboat contest on Raw. They got to debut their new gear, which I am lame enough to want to devote like six “bests” to. Daniel Bryan got a fancy ring jacket, Sheamus got amazing red, white and blue United States Champion gear, and Daniel Bryan got to look like orange-ass Randy Orton standing next to Sheamus. So… let me see how I can phrase this.

Best: Everything about this, including clothes and Mistico
Worst: This was not the entire show

Worst: Hey Crowd, Do You Think These Strangers Are Tough Enough

WWE crowds are starting to do this weird thing where nobody new is accepted. It’s why guys like Alberto Del Rio or Daniel Bryan have trouble getting over despite being great at what they do. People have been beaten to death with the Ryan Braddocks and Braden Walkers and Vance Archers of the world that when a WWE ring fills up with 20 douchebags in dress shirts and lady jeans, they expect the worst. Compared to other times when this has happened, last night’s “introduce yourself in the most awful way you can think of” fest wasn’t the worst, but it certainly wasn’t something I wanted to spend ten minutes on.

I wonder what it’s like to get a developmental deal like this?

You: “Hi, I’m the new guy.”
WWE: “Are you a man or a woman?”
You: “Uh, a man. My name is Joe.”
WWE: “Your name is Starden Craid and you have known your whole life that you are beautiful, a future WWE champion and better than each and every one of these people. Here is your baggy dress shirt, go out there and awkwardly smirk.”

And then you just kinda have to wrestle Santino a lot and hope it works out. If you’re a woman, the last part reads “be a bitch, get implants, learn a DDT.” Your name is still Starden Craid.

Best: Yeah, But Austin

I turn into a total hypocrite talking about Steve Austin, because I hate Rocky singing the classics, but could watch Austin mudhole/Lou Thesz/elbow drop/stunner/alcoholism all day long. Seriously, I never get tired of it. They wouldn’t have started a “stun them all” chant if there wasn’t a chance Austin was going to stun them all. I enjoyed Austin vs. Riley more than I’ve enjoyed most matches on Raw this year.

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