One of my favorite wrestling promos of all time involved Shane and Vince McMahon shouting at each other in the ring, shoehorning in the phrase “over the edge” because a pay-per-view called “Over The Edge” was coming up. “I’m over the edge? YOU’RE over the edge!” “I’m not over the edge! I haven’t BEGUN to go over the edge!” And so on.
What I’m trying to say is that if they want me to buy WWE presents Over The Limit, this Sunday on pay-per-view, they need to have two guys explicitly discussing limits and their abilities to go over said limits on Raw. Otherwise, the whole thing just looks like a hasty retread of Wrestlemania. Not that they’d do that. Twice. Uh, in a row.
Worst: Cena, I Like You, But You Are Not Funny
Randy Orton should’ve gone to the papers about John Cena’s performance last night, which was an encapsulation of every criticism I’ve tried to rally against. The wrestling and character development (which I will admit is mostly read between lines already) was gone. The opening segment saw him try to emasculate The Miz by saying he’s a scaredy-pants little girl who plays with My Little Pony and listens to the Jonas Brothers. I’m still trying to figure out why “the Jonas Brothers” seems like a more dated reference than My Little Pony. But yeah, The Miz is a homosexual (maybe we are ALL homosexuals) who is afraid to get Protobombed and taunted at and fist dropped and fireman’s carried at Over the Limit. All Cena needed was bad photoshops of Miz’s face on a baby’s body to touch all four corners of awful, GLAAD-busting WWE bully presentation.
At the risk of jumping ahead a few points, even the “Cena can’t wrestle” talking point, which is usually nerfed with an extensive discussion of Hulk Hogan and how awesome he was against Killer Khan, was proven correct — by all fair interpretations of what makes wrestling “good,” Cena failed. He visibly held and readjusted a chair on his chest while Jack Swagger set up a move. He spammed the “punch” button. He got his ankle torn up, so he checked it briefly before running around at full speed and carrying around a 260 pound guy like he was nothing. He hit his moves (with that same punching animation they always do after the second shoulder block, which is the new generation’s Hulk Hogan YOU-point punch) and proceeded to COMPLETELY NO-SELL A STEEL PIPE.
Seriously, Miz takes 40 minutes setting up the steel pipe, hits Cena in the stomach and back with it (keeping in mind that Cena JUST wrestled AND got hit in the back with a chair), and Cena just takes it away from him and starts screaming about the pay-per-view. He also hit Alex Riley with it about twenty times, to the point that Riley should still be lying on the arena floor where the ring used to be right now, grimacing and holding his side, and/or being dead.
I like you, John, I do. Anybody who reads these columns knows that. But even I’ve got to call you out for the terrible job you did last night. F**k me. Miz should be able to hurt you in the ring sometimes.
Best: Three Minutes of ECW From Five Years Ago
The extremely brief but extremely welcomed CM Punk victory over Kofi Kingston reminded me of that happy time when ECW stopped being about “originals” like Trinity and Kahoneyz and started being young, talented WWE hopefuls busting their ass to make a name for themselves. Up through Mark Henry and Christian as ECW Champion, ECW was my favorite weekly WWE program, and I got to see wrestlers I already love (Goldust, Punk, Christian) wrestle guys I’d learn to (Ryder, Sheamus, the Jamaican version of Kofi Kingston). And Abraham Washington was there! You guys missed the boat on Abraham Washington. I could write an entire page of Best and Worst about how wrong you are.
But yeah, that show begat Superstars, and I’m okay with that, but Punk and Kofi having an okay three minute thing (and dear lord did Punk need the win here) reminded me of the Tony Atlas laugh, and the fun we could be having if anybody at WWE liked wrestling.
Best: Wait, Are We Taking the New Nexus Seriously Now
I assumed the Mason Ryan Kills Kane and Big Show performance from a couple of weeks ago was leading to a dumb thing where we have to take Mason Ryan seriously, but I guess that’s extending to everyone else in the Nexus as well. Punk got a clean win and the Nicodemus/Good Ol’ Elmer Barnes duo of McGillicutty and Otunga (respectively) got the winded, boring duke over Show and Kane. The match was awful, but the result seems promising. By “promising” I mean it made me go “oh, okay” and assume it was leading to nowhere, which is better than me saying “welp” and waiting six months for another McGillicutty match. Not that I want one, I’m just saying.
But yeah, Punk joining the Nexus was the last time Nexus did anything worth television time, so I’m happy they seem to be taking the team seriously. Hopefully the Internet knows what it’s talking about and this is a “please don’t go” effort on behalf of WWE to Punk. Maybe they’ll let Punk bring in Ace Steel and Scotty Goldman as his new Nexus (and Daffney, don’t forget about Daffney) and we’ll keep making things better and better until Jimmy Rave shows up on Raw with a cheese grater. It can’t cost that much to license “Miseria Cantare,” can it?
Best: Kelly Kelly Should Strap Up
The Kharma story continues, and despite her still not doing anything new, I’m giving it another “best.” This is the last one I’ll give for her showing up, doing a move and laughing about it. My decisions is based largely on her backing Kelly Kelly into the corner and flicking her in the forehead, which should become a regular part of her moveset, like when ACW’s Pierre Abernathy puts guys in the tree of woe, pretends he’s going to dropkick them, runs up and just flicks them in the nut. Kelly Kelly’s forehead can be our Diva representation of the nut. Probably not the first time it’s filled that role.
Oh, and while I’m thinking about it
Best: Anarchy Championship Wrestling Sign!
Raw was in San Antonio so it’s not much of a stretch, but during a few segments we got a clear view of an ACW sign in the crowd. If this is as close as we ever get to Gary the Barn Owl on Raw I’m okay with it, I’m just happy to see my beloved local independent spotlit somewhere in the background. By the way, if you missed the pro wrestling prom, you missed Akira Tozawa winning a title, Portia Perez as prom queen (swoon) and multiple wrestlers dancing to Kid n’ Play’s “Ain’t Gonna Hurt Nobody.” The one from House Party 2. It was pretty great.
Worst: This is as Good as TV-PG Gets, Folks
But back to Kelly and Kharma, the TV-PG rating is going to be a problem. There are a few places you can go with the story, but all of them are difficult to pull off. The best one is Kharma and K2 as a dominant/submissive relationship, possibly complimented by Kelly being some kind of master genius who brought in this monstrous woman to kill all of her peers and make her road to the Divas Championship easier. There’s also the basic ideas of Kharma murdering Kelly on television, or Kelly mounting up and taking the fight to her, possibly ending with Kharma falling out of an attic window and being impaled on a white picket fence.
Without blood or even suggested counterculture sexuality, Kelly and Kharma are just going to have the same thing Eve and Mickie James would’ve had, but with more fat jokes. Okay, fewer fat jokes.
Best: Don’t Be a Ba(starred)
I had some thoughts on WWE’s anti-bullying campaign (with heavy Hollywood hitters like Ariel Winter), but my friend Greene hit the nail on the head:
In the anti-bullying commercial, Gail Kim should appear right after the Bellas and look back offscreen and say “the f**k?!?!”
Worst: The Phrase “Create Some Separation”
Who overheard an MMA announcer say one fighter moved backwards to “create some separation” and thought it was the COOLEST THING IN HISTORY? Was it Patterson? They say it all the time now, in that same way Cole started calling Randy Orton “the viper,” where you knew it was the subject of a mid-morning meeting. They did it with the word “wherewithal,” too. Triple H has taken a beating but they can’t believe he had the WHEREWITHAL to get out of the way of Ted DiBiase’s heinous attack.
I am acknowledging this on the Internet, so I’m hoping somebody from WWE (beside production assistants and interns) reads this, thinks the Internet wants to hear it, and stops doing it immediately. Pretend “create some separation” is Low Ki. Say it a couple of times on Superstars, then ship it the Hell back to Jersey All Pro.
Best: Zack Ryder is Still Employed
You know it.
Best: I Wish This Was Lucha Libre
I’ve seen Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio go at it a dozen times now, but their segment got me EXCITED. I barely understood it, but I got the emotions right, and Mysterio seemed better on the microphone than he has in 20 years. They seemed like guys with a legitimate beef caused by differing values, and that is the most basic stuffing and potatoes of wrestling. Also, watching them wrestle quickly didn’t hurt. I’m so used to signature move stomping stomping stomping signature move that my ears perk up at any variant. I’ve read some show recaps online that said this was “boring,” but I don’t see it. In my world, these guys would be going two out of three falls, some asshole in the crowd would be honking an air horn, and a little guy in a gorilla costume would get kicked around by some angry space clowns.
At the very least, some form of evolved Super Astros should exist, where Dos Caras and Mistico and Colibrà are flying around exciting me, and every plancha doesn’t lead to a commercial break.
Best: There He Go, Right There!
R-Truth didn’t do much this week, but I’m loving him as the world’s most mentally unstable JTG, dressing like the wardrobe lady’s interpretation of 50 Cent, shouting ghetto colloquialisms at Rey Mysterio from the crowd. “He stole my spot! GET IM! CALL THE COPS.”
The only downside to Truth is that finisher. I think the reverse STO, particularly that jumping version that only Chris Hero can make look decent, has replaced the Overdrive/Play of the Day/Playmaker/Whatever as the worst placeholder WWE finisher going. If it isn’t worse than the Overdrive, it’s at least worse than the Roll of the Dice. If he has to end his beatdowns with a wrestling move, end it with a suplex or something. Can R-Truth not do a Tiger Suplex? I’ve seen Icarus pull off a gorgeous one.
Worst: Why Did Michael Cole Shake and Bake His Foot
I love it when Janet the makeup lady gets to pretend she’s Stan Winston and put thematic makeup on pro wrestlers. Remember when Kane was supposed to be badly burned, so they covered his head in soot? Or when Joey Mercury got his face split open by a ladder and had that fake eyeball hanging out of his head?
Nobody’s foot looks like that. I mean, I’m sure if you google “foot disease” there’s some VD film strip image of a foot that looks like that, but it seriously just looks like he put bread crumbs and oil into a Ziploc baggie and shook it up on his foot. Jerry Lawler will face the humiliation of kissing some baked-ass fish at Over the Limit! I think “it is michael cole’s foot” is enough to get WWE fans to say “eww gross lol,” you don’t have to make it look like The Fly.
Worst: Jack Swagger is Time-Travelin’ Lex Luger
Sometime last month, a seed of doubt was placed in Jack Swagger’s mind about his allegiance with Michael Cole, and we thought he was going to flip out on the bossy little jerk and Doctor Bomb him, giving him amnesia or something and ridding us of this whole Cole thing. A week passed, and Swagger was still best buddies with Cole. Fast forward a month, and Jerry Lawler has managed to plant a seed of doubt in Jack Swagger’s mind about his allegiance with Michael Cole. Swagger leaves Cole hanging, and a bunch of people jump online to be all “jack swagger face turn yessss.”
Then the main event happens, and Jack Swagger shows up to beat up John Cena on behalf of the Miz. Maybe Jack Swagger is going for subtle character development or some long story arc about redemption, or maybe he’s just a bad actor at the mercy of bad writers who don’t compare notes before their segments go on. Swagger is good, then he’s bad. Then he’s still bad, and he might be good, but then he’s sort of bad. He’s bad, but he’s got an Eagle mascot. He is time travelin’ Lex Luger, forward in time at a young age to learn the ins and outs of pointless D&D character realignments so he can more effectively screw with gullible early-90s Sting. Is “chaotic boring” a D&D alignment?
Worst: The Miz is Not Creative
You are The Miz. You have a WWE Championship opportunity in a match against John Cena at Over the Limit. For reasons that will never be explained, Raw’s phantom General Manager has given you carte blanche to put John Cena in a match with anybody with any stipulation. He doesn’t say you have to ask them, or run the stipulation by him first. WWE employs all kinds of crazy monsters and features all sorts of crazy stipulations. What does Miz do? He spends the show asking everybody if they’ll help him, then throws Jack Swagger into the main in a “no holds barred” match. Swagger wrestles a completely normal match, throws one chair shot, runs into the chair himself and loses. Jack Swagger has wrestled John Cena approximately 400 times and has won maybe negative four of those.
Say I’m The Miz. I’m awesome. Here are a few things I can think to do off the top of my head.
1) John Cena vs. The Great Khali in a career threatening match. Really anybody against Cena in a “career threatening match.” That was a specific stipulation at Wrestlemania 24. Cite precedent, then put Cena in there against somebody he needed a literal crane and bed of concrete to beat. Or put him in the stinking Punjabi Prison.
2) Inferno match against anybody. Inferno matches were even in the video games. Put him in there against, say, Daniel Bryan, and no matter what happens, somebody you hate is going to get set on fire. They have to: it is their job.
3) Anything from the “next day limping sell” catalog: a TLC match, Last Man Standing, that kind of thing. Even Cena, who can withstand multiple shots from a lead pipe, has to wandering out at the beginning of Raw and explain what kind of Hell he went through the night before. Put him in a TLC against eight of the meanest guys you can find, or put him in a Last Man Standing against anybody. Nobody easily wins Last Man Standings. Cena could wrestle Ryder and it’d take him 20 minutes of lying around on the ground to win.
4) Buried Alive Match
5) Evening Gown match. This one seems like a joke, but hey, what better way to screw with Cena than to put him in an evening gown match against Kharma, or Beth Phoenix, or somebody who isn’t gonna twirl around in a circle and let him win? You get a psychological double whammy, where homophobic John Cena has to wear a dress AND his whole “never give up” mentality urges him to Protobomb and fist drop a woman. Sure, he’d do it, because he NEVER GIVES UP, but you’ve made him look like a sh:tty person in the process.
6) Inferno Evening Gown Match
7) something on a pole
I don’t know, that last one is pretty bad. Maybe a Buried Alive On a Pole Match, where you have to figure out how to bury a guy while he’s balanced on the top of a flag pole? Just don’t put him against somebody he can easily beat in a stipulation full of things that can’t hurt him. Challenge yourself and the viewer, and even if that Alex Riley silhouette turns out to be Alex Riley there’s still a spectacle happening.
