I need to get right into the report this week, because the greatest moment in the history of televised professional wrestling may have happened.
Extra Special Best: No More Tears, Big Jimmy
R-Truth became increasingly upset with a group of fans in the crowd wearing John Cena T-shirts. After winning his match against John Cena by count-out, Truth escaped up the ramp and made a detour through the crowd, running back around to harass them a little more. When Truth stole a child’s soda, his father (hereinafter known as “Big Jimmy”) stood up to get it back. Truth splashed the beverage in Big Jimmy’s face and ran off, leaving him humiliated and sort of shaken. John Cena, being the stand-up guy he is, walked over to make sure the fans were okay and WIPED SODA (and assumedly tears) OFF OF THE GUY’S FACE WITH HIS WRISTBANDS. He then took off his bicep sweatband and gave it to the adult man, completely ignoring the small child. The show went off the air with Cena just kind of lingering there, repeatedly patting and reassuring the man.
A few observations:
– I’ve seen Secrets of Pro Wrestling: Revealed so I understand the nature of a Stunt Granny (and to a lesser extent, the nature of the little boy and his torn up autograph book who gets taken out for pizza by the wrestlers after the show), but these guys were horrible. Big Jimmy sold humiliation by just sort of standing there being bored (which is, admittedly, a step up from Randy Orton’s changeling wife selling fear by rubbing one out on a tour bus) and Little Jimmy didn’t seem to care that JOHN F’ING CENA was standing behind him, even though he and his family appeared to like Cena so much they’d buy matching Confederate flag t-shirts. Maybe the kid was on a shit-ton of Ritalin, but if I was nine years old and Sting was milling around behind me I would dump in my f**king shorts.
– “Gay” is not a word that should be used as an insult, and by that same attitude neither should “dumb” or “lame,” as they associate physical abnormalities with judgmental derision, but watching Cena console an adult man in his t-shirt who could not protect his family was a massive combination of every body disease and minority sexual preference in our world. He WIPED AWAY HIS TEARS WITH HIS SWEATBANDS.
– I don’t think Big Jimmy was trying to be insulting when he asked Truth “what’s up,” I just think he’s a member of the WWE Universe, and those guys can only respond to wrestlers with their catchphrases. That’s why nobody cares about Dolph Ziggler, and why 20,000 people found the Road Dogg so goddamned interesting for half a decade.
Best, Just in General: R-Truth
The guy is such a confusing dynamo right now he could fill out his own Best and Worst section. He’s the best reason to watch Raw, and this is coming from a guy who couldn’t stand him a month ago. Everything’s fallen into place. He’s stalling like a solarized Larry Zbyszko. He’s got hecklers yelling funny things about how Zack Ryder has a shirt but he doesn’t. He’s no-selling the Five Knuckle Shuffle, because honestly, he’s falling with his weight in the wrong direction and just sort of scraping you with his fingers as he falls, it should hurt way less than a regular punch, plus he lets you lie there for a few seconds and rest before doing anything.
I could listen to Truth talk nonsense and call himself a Nutty Buddy all day. In fact, I can’t think of a single thing that would stop me from enjoying an R-Truth promo!
Worst: Technical Difficulties
One of my saddest moments as a wrestling fan was waiting two years for Brock Lesnar to break out his OVW shooting star press, only for him to FINALLY do it as the finish of the main event of a Wrestlemania, land on his head like an idiot and never do it again. Very few things about wrestling give me that same brick-in-the-stomach feeling that I should be doing something more constructive with my time, and technical difficulties ruining a part of the show I’d enjoy is one of them. When Truth was talking to Little Jimmy and the words didn’t match his lips, I almost stopped watching. I hate dubs. I don’t want to hear an adult woman doing a baby voice trying to be Setsuko, and I don’t want to watch Michael Cole throw his voice. Watching Michael Cole throw his voice would be like watching Jeff Dunham, and I would rather slit my own ass and die than watch Jeff Dunham.
Best: Zack Ryder, Internet Intercontinental Champion
WWWYKIBRO. Guys who write Raw reports who don’t know what the Internet Intercontinental Championship looks like need to spend more time on the Internet. Or on Superstars.
Worst: Swagger’s Idea of Charisma
I don’t want to keep going back to Tough Enough, but Jack Swagger wouldn’t win it. Austin would be all WHY AIN’T YOU SHOWN ME NOTHIN’ BOY and Swagger would lisp about his collegiate accomplishments and Austin would be all EH EHHH and take away his spinner replica. Swagger is good in the ring, I won’t take that away from him, and he’s shown flashes of charisma in ridiculous situations like the Swagger Soaring Eagle … but in the ring all he’s got is a blank stare and his arms held out. That’s it. That’s the only thing he can do to get the crowd into it. He hits a move, stands there staring at nothing and holds out his arms. I don’t know if he’s working with a donkey’s brain, or maybe I’m unaware of his Multiple Sclerosis, but he needs to get three new tauntsw, because you can’t put “Swagger Appeal” as up, down, left AND right.
Somebody get Swagger into an angle where the Divas realize he’s got a huge package, stat.