The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 5/6/13: On A Scale Of One To Ten

Chris Jericho zero dance contest

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So hey, please click through to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 6, 2013. I wouldn’t give it a zero.

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Worst: John Cena, Still Extremely Stupid

Here’s what John Cena had written on the inside of his arm as he began last night’s show-opening promo, which could’ve just been him saying “I made a mistake wrestling last week, but I feel better now, and I’m ready to face Ryback” and us fast-forwarding to the Vickie Guerrero parts:

✓ 1. ape Daniel Bryan’s catchphrase without ever mentioning that Bryan got his ass beaten by The Shield last week because of my overconfidence

✓ 2. make gay jokes about Ryback

✓ 3. say “DTF” on Raw, which will go over the heads of everyone who doesn’t know exactly what I’m saying

✓ 4. reference Fandango, which makes “DTF” not its actual definition, but is still probably a gay joke

✓ 5. call Vickie Guerrero gross and ugly for no reason

✓ 6. make stupid decision because I’m a WWE good guy and we have no logic or reason

✓ 7. hilarious impressions

8. call somebody “Jack”

He didn’t get around to the last one, but he did call Ryback “pal,” so we’ll count it. Last night’s opening scene seemed built to enforce the idea that to be a heel in WWE you have to be reasonable and smart, and to be a babyface you have to be ignorant, yell jokes non-stop and pretend like nothing bothers you.

John Cena compromised last week’s main event and the future of the WWE by competing hurt, cost his team the match by tagging in and trying to do ridiculous rolling deadlifts despite KNOWING he was hurt and lost another in a series of matches to the bad guy team that has been destroying people on WWE TV since November. How does he own up to that? With humility? Admitting that he let his ego get the best of him and apologizing to Daniel Bryan and Kane, who put their necks out for him? Nope! He just jokingly brushes it off and makes the same mistake again, being so confident in his shit’s scent that he openly gives up the chance to choose the stipulation in his championship match against Ryback at Extreme Rules.

What the f**k are you doing, dude

Ryback smartly capitalizes on this opportunity by choosing a Last Man Standing match, which benefits him because (1) The Shield have been the only people capable of putting him down for ten seconds, and that took three of them, and (2) Cena’s ankle is busted, so he doesn’t even have to knock Cena out, he just has to keep him on the ground. But hey, Ryback is the “world’s biggest complainer,” right? He complains! I think I’d rather by an intelligent complainer than a guy who hurts himself for no reason and makes children laugh by calling his opponent gay.

Note: This could be why I’m a blogger and not a pro wrestler.

Best: Randy Orton Gets Sonned

WWE does this weird thing where they’ll have a match on Smackdown and do it exactly the same on the next Raw for no reason, and that’s what Orton/Sandow was. The Smackdown match ended with Sandow beating up Orton after the loss, so Orton had to beat him up and make it all the way up the ramp for it to count, I guess? Anyway, you know an Orton match isn’t great when he gets visibly upset trying to do his spots (watch him shrug when Sandow’s sorta bouncing off the ropes while he’s trying to do his “hunting” taunt), and it was more or less an extended squash.

That said, Sandow absolutely SONNED Orton on the way to the ring. If you’re gonna sing parody lyrics to a wrestler’s theme song, do what Sandow did: spit the truth, and tell Randy Orton he’s a weird, boring and greasy. Sandow’s takedown was my favorite moment of the show, and I love it when I can say “thank you” in the pause before his “YOU’RE WELCOME” and mean it. Damien Sandow for Money in the Bank winner, please and thank you.

Because the Internet is fast and had this ready last night, here’s Sandow’s ‘Voices’ remix sex to Orton’s TitanTron video. Rhodes Scholars > Rev Theory

Best: Big Show, Shadowmaster

Sadly, Orton didn’t make it out of the ring and all the way up the ramp without getting attacked, because he’s feuding with Big Show, who is seven-feet tall and 500 pounds but also equipped with a camo singlet/cloaking device that renders him undetectable until hands are thrown. If Big Show wasn’t already one of my favorites, his tendency to show up out of nowhere and punch the god damn out of people I hate would make him one. Orton’s “where am I” sell of the punch was also great, because it’s the exact same expression he had on his face wrestling Sandow.

If Vickie’s handing out Extreme Rules stipulation choices all willy-nilly, she needs to offer one up to Show, and he needs to pick a “punch Randy Orton to death” match. First person to punch Randy Orton to death wins! That would be the best match ever. Big Show trying to sneak in KO punches between Orton Jack’s Smirking Revenging himself.

Worst: Of Course Cool Dad Thinks Fandango Sucks, But Loves Tons Of Funk. Of Course He Does

How are these “Chris Jericho says Fandango’s name wrong” jokes workin’ out for you? They’re great! Here’s one: Fan Doo-doo dingo! Give me a million dollars.

I’ve done the “Fandango is a cool guy who is into his hobbies and hangs out with beautiful dancing ladies/Chris Jericho is an aged Bon Jovi with a toilet brush faux-hawk who speaks in baby talk” thing a few times, so I won’t do it again. I will, however, point out that while Fandango is hanging out with beautiful dancing ladies, Chris Jericho has chosen to be on the side of two fat guys in matching track suits and a mentally-distressed rapping dick-thruster whose best friend is an invisible 8-year old. Feel free to choose whichever side seems like the better way to live your life.

Fandango real dancer

Best: Welcome Back, Actual Fandango Dancer

I take back what I said about Sandow … the Best Best of Raw is the return of FANDANGO DANCE PARTNER ALPHA.

She goes by many names. Ann Dango, Jan Dango, Fandangal. “Scaramouche,” because she “does the Fandango.” No matter what you call her, she’s superior in every way to her NXT replacement Summer Rae. I’m sure they’re just rotating out the dance partners when necessary, but I hope Summer got demoted for not being able to do The Splits last week. Fandangal can do the splits. She can do ANYTHING. She’s a wonderful part of making this work. All she needs is a name, and the solemn promise that she will never be involved in a story where she falls in love or is beaten up by anybody. Just let her dance and wink and be wonderful to us.

Best: Fandango, Still

He shows up and says his name, and makes us happy. Who does that sound like?

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Best: Inverted Superplexes, Basic Match Psychology And 15 Minutes Of Wrestling On Raw

Del Rio/Ziggler is still my favorite pairing of wrestlers on WWE television. I like it even more than Ziggler/Bryan. Daniel Bryan’s offense looks great no matter who he’s wrestling … Del Rio’s moves can get a little iffy if he’s not wrestling a guy who can make it look great. That’s why Del Rio/Ziggler succeeds where something like Del Rio/Orton fails. The WWE Fan Nation video starts with that BRUTAL inverted superplex and continues on through the match, so watch how Ziggler sells a missed Stinger Splash, takes the best looking tilt-a-whril backbreaker in North America since Nitro went off the air and makes Del Rio’s superkick look like it’s being shot from a gun. It’s beautiful. Del Rio looks like the best wrestler in the world all of a sudden, and Ziggler looks like a champ just for hanging in there with it.

On top of that, I love that both guys have entourages with actual characters in them. When Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger walk down to the ring, I know how Ricardo Rodriguez will react to them, and it’s different from now Big E Langston will react. That kind of stuff adds to the vibe, so when the match ends (with Ziggler going to the neckbreaker well one-too-many times and getting caught in the arm breaker in a lovely moment of “wrestlers paying attention to the match they’re wrestling”), the post-match attack seems energetic and important. It’s not dead air masquerading as a told story. It’s alive, and even though it’s the simplest of things — Jack Swagger is beating up everybody with a ladder now, because “ladder match” — it carries enough character complexity under the surface to satiate nerds like me.

Best: Jack Swagger + Ladder = You Dead

Maybe it’s another example of Ziggler’s Constantly Impending Death magic making things look great, but I loved how vicious the Swagger attacks seemed. Big E Langston went into the ring post like Boubacar Copa Barry, and both Ziggler and Del Rio made me feel like I was watching ladders bounce off peoples’ skulls for real in TLC II. It got me excited to see what they could do in a formal ladder match, and “getting me excited for the match you want me to pay for” is an idea that shouldn’t be shocking, but hey, it’s Raw.

That said, a triple threat ladder match seems like the easiest type of match to win. Whenever a guy is spending two minutes setting up a ladder bridge or whatever, just climb up the ladder and grab the belt. Haven’t you ever played a WWE video game? You just have to wait for them to start their animation. Or tie them up in the tree of woe. That usually works.

Worst: Every Face Diva That Isn’t Kaitlyn

Four Worsts here, actually.

1. The Great Khali being brought in to “investigate” the identity of Kaitlyn’s admirer brings the chance of it being Hornswoggle up from 99% to 100. It’s Hornswoggle. Sorry, everybody.

2. The terrible acting of the Funkadactyls (“O … M … G!”) and how quickly they go from “a guy likes you” to “a guy is going to abduct you because you’re stupid and he’s a creep” were both awful, but Natalya has officially entered week 2 as my least favorite person on the show. A guy sends Kaitlyn a specifically-complimentary text and her response is “ew.” Then she gets her boyfriend to “go undercover” against Kaitlyn’s wishes and rat out whoever’s trying to be nice to her. YOU ARE TERRIBLE, NATALYA.

3. Are the Divas throwing shade at golden age Simpsons? Because I swear to God.

4. What exactly were the Bellas celebrating when they emerged from the shadows? The fact that they overheard the Funkadactyls mentioning that they should probably think about their match later tonight? They weren’t exactly locked in a war room. The Bellas could’ve just stood to Naomi’s immediate left and nobody would’ve seen or heard them. Were they celebrating overhearing Natalya’s plan to get Khali to go undercover and find out who the admirer is? Couldn’t they have, I don’t know, seen that broadcast globally on Raw? If the admirer admires Kaitlyn, wouldn’t he watch all of her segments on Raw and know about Khali? If Khali comes back with false info because of a Bellas plan, wouldn’t Kaitlyn know that because the Bellas emerged from the goddamn shadows and high-fived about it after her segment? Wouldn’t she watch her own segments?

Best: Big E Langston Is Not The Admirer

But then again, maybe he is …

Best: More Shield Six-Man Tags On Raw, Please

This. THIS.

This is a perfect match for Raw. I loved everything about it. The Shield is great, but I feel like I’ve barely gotten a chance to see them wrestle, especially against opponents who aren’t supposed to be their superior. They can have a great match with Taker and Team Hell No, sure, but they can ALSO have a great match with undercard guys who, like them, have spent way too much time being unappreciated. The Usos are a team like that. They’ve got natural talent, have a unique look (at least in terms of modern WWE tag team wrestler), are an actual tag team and while they’ll never be as cool as their entrance, they’re still pretty cool.

Kofi Kingston should always be a tag team wrestler. That would erase almost every problem I have with him. An 8-minute Kofi match truncated into 120 seconds of fired-up tag offense ends up being pretty good … it takes the weight off his ridiculous set-ups for moves (although the Trouble In Paradise “boom” taunting still never works, and even Ambrose seemed in-character upset at himself for lying around waiting for a Boom Drop for that long), lets him jump around as much as he’d like (which is “a lot”) and lets him either close things out or get pinned in spectacular fashion. I’m not a fan of Dean Ambrose yanking Derrick Bateman’s finish, but he killed Kofi with it, so I’ll give him a pass. Also, he made this face when he pinned Kofi:

Great stuff. Do this more often!

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