The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 5/9

/play Nickelback instrumental here

Did You Know? WWE has over 5,000,000 Facebook Fans, more than the NFL, ESPN, Major League Baseball, NASCAR, hamburgers, the sneezing panda, the What What In the Butt guy, Stove Top Stuffing, handlebar mustaches and the word “sports” COMBINED. [citation needed]

Did You Know? WWE’s next pay-per-view event, Over The Limit, takes place in two weeks!

Did You Know? “Over The Limit” is a WWE pay-per-view? I think it’s the one where Raw faces Smackdown in a car race and the winner gets the prestigious “Over The Limit” trophy. I also think it’s the PPV where The Big Show is always turning on people. They should at least call it “In Your House: Over The Limit.”

Worst: Are We Sure This Wasn’t Taped Four Months Ago

Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to soldier through Raw immediately after the gym and only a few hours of sleep the previous night, but what happened, did I fall asleep in the afternoon and travel time? This Raw looked like a “WWE BEST OF 2010-2011” DVD, with Cena beating up Alex Riley to antagonize the Miz, Michael Cole making Jerry Lawler mad by insulting his dead mother, and a spotlight on the Mysterio/Del Rio, Swagger/Kingston and Punk/Big Show feuds. All we needed was for the That’s What I Am commercials to be The Chaperone (tagline: “I’m the chaperone!”) and we’d have been set.

Speaking of living in the past…

Worst: Either Have Michael Cole Skullf**k Jerry Lawler’s Mother on TV or Move On

I championed the Cole/Lawler angle for a few months, then spent about four years wishing it would stop. They had a match at Wrestlemania that was supposed to end in blood and piledrivers, but it couldn’t, and didn’t. So they had another match with less heat at the artist formerly known as Backlash, complete with straps for the lashing of backs, that should’ve ended with Cole being held down and beaten with a belt until he apologized. It didn’t end that way, so now we have to have a rushed little two week Lawler vs. Cole re-rematch for stipulations nobody outside of Lawler and Cole care about, and guess what? It isn’t going to end like it’s supposed to. It’s going to end with Cole winning Lawler’s Hall of Fame ring, getting inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame (by Lawler? Can Lawler do that?) and spending the NEXT pay-per-view cycle calling himself WWE Hall of Famer Sir Michael Cole.

Then, at Fatal 4-way we have to watch Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler vs. Jim Ross vs. Jack Swagger, with maybe Lawler’s crown and JR’s hat on the line, and Cole wins that with a roll-up after getting punched maybe once, and he can call himself WWE Hall of Famer Good Ol’ Sir Michael Cole. After that, Cole wins Money in the Bank (Mr. Money in the Bank, WWE Hall of Famer Good Ol’ Sir Michael Cole) and cashes in, somehow winning the WWE Championship with a roll-up on Jerry Lawler, and then we build to the big blow-off at Night of Champions where Lawler gets his “one last shot” at the WWE Championship, and nobody watches it.

And also Michael Cole wins that.

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Best: Ricardo Rodriguez and Alberto Del Rio’s Reaction To Him

Raw’s opening segment (once again reinforcing the kayfabe idea that the Raw general manager doesn’t make any matches before the show and just waits for a bunch of guys to walk out when it starts and throw out some challenges … there’s like a huge single-file line of guys waiting to start off the show, but Ryder and Kaitlyn always show up late and never get on the show … also, if nobody starts off the show with a challenge, the Raw GM sends Michael Cole an e-mail that says RAW ROULETTE or BATTLE ROYAL FOR NOTHING) was fun. Alberto Del Rio and his personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez continue to be a wonderful part of my wrestling program, especially now that their dynamic is evolving past “rich guy and his employee employed for arrogant purposes.”

Del Rio is easily the best addition to WWE programming in the last few years, and he’d win that if he never wrestled and just stood in the ring winking and making faces at people. Watching him get surprised, then turn and start clapping his hands with a big smile on his face when Ricardo interrupted the Miz with ALBERTOOOO DEEEEEEL RRRRRRIOOOO was tops. I love that Del Rio really seems to like Ricardo, and claps for him like he’s a disaffected parent with a talented child. It’s sort of like Lisa Simpson telling Snowball to “be the baby” for Nelson Muntz. And then he did this!

Ricardo Rodriguez is money, and until Archibald Peck ends up WWE Champion (and it will happen) he’s my favorite CHIKARA-alumni success story.

Best: John Morrison is Dead, So Let’s Forget About Him Forever

The best wrestling news of the week is that John Morrison was parkouring across the street and got murdered by an oncoming bus, simultaneously ending his life and disproving his parkour “overcome any obstacle in front of you” philosophy. Then I checked my facts (thanks a lot, Bleacher Report) and found out he was having neck surgery and would be out for a long time, which is also okay. I’m not happy that a human being is going through so much pain, but I am extremely happy that fictional character John Morrison assumedly broke his own neck a la the Joker in The Dark Knight Returns by flipping his hair out of the way after the attack on last week’s Raw. Maybe Morrison can learn to squirm around through some handrails while he’s in a wheelchair.

I’m hoping the rehabilitation process involves Morrison telling Melina that it’s okay if she wants to have sex with Mason Ryan, he understands, because he can’t really move. And then she looks up from Mason Ryan’s lap and is all “I’m sorry honey did you say something.”

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