The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/5/13: Paul, Say Something Stupid

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Please click through to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for August 5, 2013.



Worst: Wait, Since When Is Eating Meat A Makeover

Last night’s Daniel Bryan Makeover opening segment was a lot more harmless than I’d expected. In my brain, Bryan would become Chris Jericho in the “Chris Jericho becomes Stephanie McMahon’s dog’s valet during a title feud with Triple H” scenario. Instead, we got Daniel Bryan in a ponytail and some light (extremely, extremely light) comedy about how guys who don’t normally wear nice clothes are wearing nice clothes. The Raven’s Family vignettes with Daniel Bryan as Raven (and Kanyon) and the McMahons as everybody else.

The entire concept of Bryan getting a makeover to be WWE Championship material is bizarre. I mean, the guy’s dating a Bella Twin (in canon!) and they pretend he’s this hyper-small, hideously ugly guy because he doesn’t do a good job of trimming his beard. In theory, shouldn’t the beard have been the ONLY thing he needed to lose for a corporate makeover? Shave the beard and take him out of the novelty t-shirts. Instead, they’ve got him lifting weights and eating a steak. Really? Is the key to being WWE Champion “be Ryback?” Vince should’ve been all IF YOU WANT MY SUPPORT, YOU’LL PUT THIS MACARONI SALAD IN RICKY STARKS’ EARHOLE. I know the smark talking point is “WWE pushes big muscle guys,” but that hasn’t been exclusively true since the mid-2000s. Maybe they should’ve put Bryan in lifts. Kane could lend him a pair!

But yeah, it was fun and harmless, and the scenic route to getting Vince madder at Bryan for arbitrary reasons. It worked, but it probably shouldn’t have taken 21 minutes, and it probably shouldn’t have involved Wade Barrett suddenly being a barber.

Best: Wade Barrett Is So Bad He Even Loses Haircuts

When Vince was all, “we need a barber,” was anybody else’s first thought “oh God, they brought back Brutus Beefcake?” Or better yet, they bring in Brutus Beefcake’s son (suggested name: “Blink Martindale”) and have him cut hair/brag about how he’s SO MUCH BETTER AT CUTTING HAIR THAN HIS FATHER EVER WAS.

Anyway, how hilariously bad is Wade Barrett that his contribution of Raw is to give Vince a thumbs up when Vince yells HIS GRANDFATHER WAS A BARBER, like that’s supposed to naturally give Wade formal cosmetology training? And then Wade gets mind-boggled listening to a soul patch request, gets headbutted, gets thrown in the Bobby Lashley Memorial Barber Chair and has half his facial hair shaved off like he’s John Tenta. The saddest thing ever. Wade should just pack it up and spend some time being the Semi-Perfect Cell version of Jay Bradley on Impact.

Best: Vince vs. A Jacket

This was my favorite part of the segment:

Vince has no other way to express his anger (because once music is playing, you aren’t allowed to speak), so he just stomps Bryan’s mercilessly, kicks it around and tosses it into the crowd. Glorious.

Worst: And Here Come The Non-Title Losses

☑ 2. non-title match losses for champions

Wait, are we doing that again?

Half an hour into Raw and we’re already in “permanent marker on the dry erase board” territory. To help build a feud between Alberto Del Rio and Christian, Alberto Del Rio takes a meaningless non-title loss to a Rob Van Dam roll-up, because SURE THAT’S A GREAT WAY TO BUILD UP CHRISTIAN.

Worst: Raw Is Depressing

So many depressing things here.

1. As I mentioned before, if Rob Van Dam does or says a single thing he didn’t say or do in 2001, I’ll give him full forgiveness and a free nostalgia pass. He’s showing more fire than he ever showed in TNA, which is good, but man, I just want to see ONE THING I don’t see in a decade’s-worth of identical RVD singles matches. One thing. Throw in a Pele Kick or something. Drop a second rope elbow on somebody. Anything. Change your clothes. SOMETHING.

2. The Miz on commentary. This is SUPER DEPRESSING for him, but also hilarious because f**k the Miz and he deserves it. Watching people compete for a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship while Miz says things like “forget Ellen Degeneres, it’s all about The Miz hosting SummerSlam” is amazing. Like they wouldn’t shitcan Mizanin with the quickness if Ellen was like, “hey, can I host your fake fighting show?”

3. Friendship is not allowed in pro wrestling.

Ricardo Rodriguez hasn’t been on the show for a month because of injury/an unapproved trip to Vitamin Shoppe. He finally comes back, only to accidentally present a bucket for Del Rio’s head to be thrown into, leading to a thorough, brutal, totally unnecessary beatdown. Del Rio violently ends the most sincere, enduring friendship in WWE and (I’m assuming) puts Ricardo on the bus back to Orlando with Wade.

Daniel Bryan and Kane aren’t friends anymore. Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes hate each other. Team Rocket broke up. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater haven’t been bros since forever. Friendship is meaningless and we’re all going to die alone. Good luck with that, everybody.


Best: At Least The Sandow/Rhodes Beef Is Still Ridiculously Pleasant

Cody Rhodes “spared no expense” fishing Sandow’s Money In The Bank briefcase out of the Gulf of Mexico to use it as blatant, temporary bait so he could punch Sandow a few times. Couldn’t you have just, I don’t know, walked up to Sandow backstage somewhere and started punching him?

When the rest of wrestling is sad, at least I can count on Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow to show up with a briefcase full of water and Gulf of Mexico seaweed and bring me back to a happy place. And while we’re at it, what the hell is up with the Money In The Bank contract?

It looks like the map the Goonies used to find One-Eyed Willie.

Worst: F**k You With These Count-Outs

AGAIN WITH THIS

Less than one minute into their WrestleMania 29 rematch (seriously, less than one minute into it), Ryback slides out of the ring and decides to take a count-out loss instead of DEALING WITH THE FEELING-OUT PROCESS OF A WRESTLING MATCH. Dude controls the offense for 40 of the 55 seconds the match lasted, but Mark Henry takes a swing at him and Ryback’s all NOPE, GOTTA FANDANGO THE SHIT OUT OF THIS, BYE FOREVER

I. don’t. under. stand. this. what. is. wrong. with. you.

I know you think you’re “protecting” these guys by not having them take pinfall or submission losses on free TV, but JESUS, if Mark Henry World’s Strongest Slams Ryback and pins him after, oh, I don’t know, five minutes of wrestling, at least we know that Mark Henry is strong as f**k and great and Ryback got hit with a Critical. If Ryback bails because he’s AFRAID TO BE PUNCHED, WHY DOES ANYBODY AT WWE LET HIM KEEP HIS JOB. Think about it from a kayfabe perspective. The “board of directors” or whoever doesn’t think Daniel Bryan is championship material because he has a beard, but f**king Ryback is on your show every week taking count-out losses on purpose and giving up because The Miz dropkicked him in the leg once. Fandango has had more purposeful count-out losses than matches. These guys should all instantly be fired and replaced with people who want to wrestle.

And from a shoot perspective, maybe get a new batch of ideas and have the integrity to write your characters with confidence? I don’t know, is that too hard?

Best/Worst: John Cena, Dynastic Heel

The Worst here goes to Cena for his “Denzel” voice and the use of the word “jack,” which has become Cena Code for “everything I said before was fake, but this is real.” Also to Cena’s idea of “real talk” being “my t-shirt color is fine and my cereal tastes great.”

The Best, however, goes to Cena for being honest from his character’s perspective. Y’see, Cena gets the exact same reaction in nearly every arena in the country. The Babies and Fat Girls chanting “let’s go Cena.” The Others chanting “Cena sucks.” Because telling everyone how much you hate Cena is more important than supporting his opponent. Because Cena is the only thing that matters or makes anybody any money.

If you’re THAT John Cena, sure, you’re gonna tip-toe around the crowd response and pull your “SOME OF YA LIKE ME SOME OF YA HATE ME I’M FINE WITH THAT” talking point (which is the “Rellik is killer spelled backwards” of ubiquitous WWE talking points), but you’re also gonna occasionally get butthurt when a guy you like and support starts throwing shade at your childish endeavors. That’s the thing about Cena … he LIKES his ugly shirts. He LIKES being on the box of a cereal the Rock shamed him into being associated with. He LIKES carrying around The Rock’s title belt. But at the same time, he doesn’t really take wrestling seriously, as much as he likes to say he does. He’s invincible and unstoppable and he knows it. He’s the status quo. So when you say “JOHN ME AND THESE 20 GUYS ARE GONNA JUMP YOU AND HURT YOU FOR REAL” he shrugs it off and makes jokes, but when you say “hey John, your shit’s kinda lame” he FREAKS OUT.

So when Cena starts mentioning that anything other than WWE is podunk and pointless, that’s from Cena FOR REAL. It’s his version of a pipe bomb. “I made it to the top of WWE because of my ridiculous physique, blandly acceptable outside appearance and abilities to pander and sell kitschy shit to children. Why can’t you do that? Why are you trading lariats with Nigel McGuinness in front of 40 people? What’s your problem?” He means that. John Jr. (John John) knew the right people and looked the right way and got into a documentary posing as a wrestling school before he ever had to work hard. To him, that’s totally right.

That’s why I want the Bryan/Cena feud to exist on its own merits. It’s the Punk/Cena beef with Punk’s indignant “I should be in the spotlight” replaced by Bryan’d indignant “WRESTLING should be in the spotlight.” To me, that matters more. Punk was gonna be fine in the midcard or in main events. When Bryan said he could be released tomorrow? In my brain, as impossible as it probably is, that could still happen.

Worst: COOL IMPROMPTU DECISION, CORNED BEEF

Brad Maddox, you’re doing such a terrible job as GM. You waited until Daniel Bryan evened up the odds before making a six-man tag team main event for RIGHT HERE TONIGHT! You should’ve just made it Orton and Cena vs. The Shield and had them do throwing RKOs and shit like they did when they beat the entire Raw roster singlehandedly.

Apologies to the previously scheduled main-event, Justin Gabriel vs. David Otunga. Sorry we had to bump you. Maybe next week!

Best: Brodie Lee vs. Giant Bernard Is A Match I Need To See

For real, I want a straight-up Luke Harper vs. Tensai match. No dancing, just two guys hossing out on each other. The short time they were in the ring together on Raw was GREAT, and if there’s one thing Raw needs, it’s guys who hit hard. Not recklessly hard. I’m not asking for Roderick Strong to show up and start chopping people in the nuts because he doesn’t have the skill to entertain more than 80 people at a time. I just want guys who are supposed to be big and strong and tough to actually look big and strong and tough. This is the best Tensai’s looked … well, since he came back, probably, and Luke Harper is one of the most underrated in-ring guys in the company. He was awesome in Chikara, and he’s awesome here. More guys like Harper and Sheamus, please.

I also enjoyed watching Brodus Clay get POOOOOOUNCED (period) and then lie around selling it like he’s Road Dogg in a Royal Rumble. Did he break his nose or something? Watching Harper put a hand on him to “hold” him and keep him from breaking up the pin was funny.

Best: Follow The Buzzards (To An Inferno Match?)

Good news: we may officially be out of the woods regarding the Husky Harris chants. Bray’s been so good so far the crowd mostly just shuts up and listens to him. I’m gonna try to stop getting preemptively pissed about this every week.

I’m not sure who came up with it, but “going to commercial” with the Wyatt Sheep Face Blip only to come back to SUDDEN KANE FIRE was GREAT. Who knows if this is a tease for an inferno match or if Kane was just referencing a “ring of fire” because he can make fire happen in a ring, but either way I’m down to see a bunch of hillbillies get set on fire. And for Bray Wyatt to laugh his ass off while he’s burning.


Best: We Got The Lay, Now We Just Need The Cool

The only good development of the Divas was the official return of LayCool Layla, complete with “flawless” catchphrase. Longtime readers of the column know that I love LayCool more than I love most members of my family, so if Michelle McCool shows up at any point between now and the end of time I will lose my goddamn mind.

That said … woof.

Worst: Woooooof

This match was bad. Really bad. Layla is more or less the Chris Sabin of the Divas division — someone who has a lot of talent and a lot to offer, but gets no crowd response and has zero momentum because she (1) doesn’t have identifiable character traits and (2) has spent the last two years doing f**king nothing. And man, look at that gutbuster. You busted a gut, all right.

If the match wasn’t bad enough, they went with the “get distracted by someone on the outside/instantly lose the match” trope, the single most tired thing in wrestling. Compared to “get distracted/instantly lose,” “intentional count-out” is like 1995 ECW.

How the hell does Kaitlyn keep losing matches like this? It’s basically the only thing that happens in a Kaitlyn match. At this point it’s like Kaitlyn losing a match because she had to wear shoes. JUST WEAR THE SHOES AND KEEP WRESTLING.

Worst: Why Can’t I Get that Kaitlyn Unicorn Shirt In Men’s Sizes?

This is the women’s version of the new Kaitlyn shirt. It is Army green, features a ridiculous saying on the back (Kaitlyn is way bigger than most Divas, so maybe she should focus on the size of the girl in the fight?) and HAS A UNICORN ON IT. It is wonderful.

This is the men’s version of the new Kaitlyn shirt. It is We-The-People-colored, features no unicorn and the logo looks like the Autobots logo from Transformers.

Why can’t I get the v-neck green unicorn in men’s cut? I refuse to accept this. Remember when WWE tried to sell the black version of Dolph Ziggler’s shirt because they’re homophobes and didn’t think anybody would buy it pink? They listened then. Sell me this f**king unicorn!

Best: 20 More Minutes Of Christian Vs. Heath Slater, Please

It only lasted a few minutes, but I really enjoyed Michael McGillicutty’s match with Heath Slater. Here’s a laundry list of reasons why:

– Heath Slater is hilarious, the best jobber in WWE and not on TV nearly enough
– The Raw return of the Heath Slater “play guitar like nobody has ever played guitar ever” taunt
– Slater making Christian’s spear look good, which is like turning water into wine
– JBL’s deadpan delivery of “Told ya” after the spear
– Christian getting a fun win heading into SummerSlam
– Christian being able to win without spending 8 months setting up the Killswitch

On a Raw full of sadness, disappointment and rampant boredom, I will happily praise the Superstars portion of our program.

Best: CM Punk Saves Raw

This is the good guy CM Punk should’ve been when he was WWE Champion.

When Punk won the belt and his popularity took off, he quickly abandoned everything that made him him, all the passionate anger and indignation, in favor of wearing Triple H’s blazer like a good boy and calling John Laurinaitis an “ugly dork.” He got into these awful feuds with guys like Alberto Del Rio and Chris Jericho, built around condescending Spanish and BACKSTAGE FAMILY DRAMA~ and it was pretty bad. Punk eventually came back around to being the dickhead World Champ (as in “dickhead who is WWE champ” as well as “world champion of the dickheads”), pal’d up with Paul Heyman and the ship sorta righted itself. When Punk returned at Payback and started bein’ all gentle again, I thought we were in for six more weeks of creative winter. Then, as if sent down from Heaven above, Heyman bashed Punk in the face with a ladder.

Since then, Punk has been what he says he is: the best in the world. The build of the Heyman/Punk beef and the Punk/Lesnar SummerSlam match with noob-ass Curtis Axel running interference has been SPECTACULAR, and regularly the best part of the show. Last night was no exception. Punk got the best-ever match out of Curtis Axel (notice how much Axel was aping his dad’s act? Yeah, do that more often, it works) on a show with almost no good wrestling, lost control when he got a chance to get his hands on Heyman and allowed that to sacrifice his successes. Why? Because that’s what Punk would do. Let a cause get in the way of logic. THAT’S THE GUY WE LOVE.

Punk finally gets Heyman where he wants him and A WILD BROCK LESNAR APPROACHES. A tense, violent fight between a monster and a guy dead-set on destroying a monster goes down and for 10 minutes I forget how bad the show has been. Punk holds his own, but once again lets the cause get in the way of logic, so Lesnar recovers in Lesnarian fashion and plants him with an F5. So right now all the pieces are set … Punk wants to kill Heyman, Heyman’s terrified of Punk but gets brave when he thinks he’s safe, Lesnar is a mindless killing machine set on protecting the guy who makes him money, Lesnar’s unstoppable, Punk’s got a chance but is too distracted and Curtis Axel is always in the way. Wrestling is f**king awesome sometimes, and I want Punk/Heyman to keep growing and evolving until Mania ends with Punk GTS’ing him to death.

Best: Look, It’s Three People I Love (And Curtis Axel)

“Paul, say somethin’ stupid.”

The attention to detail in the actual Punk/Lesnar/Heyman segment continued in the backstage interview, with Brock being a mindless savage who barely understand why he loves to hurt people so badly, Heyman being a sweaty creep with no respect for personal space and an irrational challenge to make, Curt Axel adeptly selling the Go To Sleep off in the background somewhere and poor Renee Young trying to do her job without having Heyman’s forehead dampness and spittle all over her person. Watch her when Heyman’s all, “I WANT YOU TO DELIVER A MESSAGE TO SEE! …” and she clearly knows he’s going to say “CM Punk,” but she’s too professional to interrupt him.

WWE creative needs to look at these parts of the show and say “this is what we’re doing right.” Then, they should do more of this, but with other people. Or hell, just officially put Heyman in charge of creative without having to fret about money or competition, let wrestlers who can book themselves without ego do so effectively and … uh, put Renee on the show more. Raw is fixed forever. You’re welcome.


Worst: Aw, Here It Goes

So Kofi Kingston’s back, or X-Pac put on his Mizark makeup again and snuck into the arena.

Kofi’s been great as the “jobber people think might actually win” in 2013, but this match was just a lot of what I don’t like about him. He works so hard to come up with these exchanges and counters to hit the Trouble In Paradise and be cool and memorable, but he never learns how to kick somebody within 5 feet of their head without kicking them for real, and he can’t take a minute to say “hey, don’t shove my foot out of the way with both of your hands if you’re gonna sell it.”

Best: Minus The Horrible Distraction Ending, This Is Closer To The Langston/Ziggler Match I Want To See

Dolph Ziggler’s greatest talent is in falling down spectacularly. Big E Langston’s greatest talent is aggressively making people fall down. They should be perfect foils for one another, but so far their physical interactions have either been slow, clubber-the-back and work-the-chinlock affairs or Dolph doing obstacle courses while Big E aimlessly reaches out his hands like he’s trying to grab somebody.

Last night’s match was a step in the right direction, with Big E just MURDERING him repeatedly and Dolph selling it like he’s been shot with a gun. I was prepared to write all sorts of fun things about it, but then HERE COMES KAITLYN to cause DISTRACTIONS WAIT A MINUTE KING and Big E gets the win, but the shitty, meaningless win everybody on Raw gets and nobody cares about. STAY AWAY FORM THE RING, KAITLYN, YOU ARE BAD LUCK SCHLEPROCK.

By the way, I didn’t mention it before, but AJ Lee’s pigtails get a supplemental Best, because I am a human being.

Best, I Guess?: The Real Americans Vs. The Usos Happened

This was fine, but so instantly forgettable that within 20 minutes I’d forgotten to include it in the Raw results post. Antonio Cesaro wins are always a Best, though, and I will always be a fan of “I hate your LOCAL SPORTS TEAM” heat.

Worst: DQ’ing People Randomly Because You Want The Match To Stop

The main event ended on a disqualification, because The Shield broke up a pin. That’s all they did. It’s not the first time it’s happened to them, either. WWE referees shoot disqualifying you for trying to break up pins is one of the worst things WWE does, and a detriment to the natural ebb and flow and drama a tag team match presents. People breaking up pins at the last second is the ENTIRE POINT OF THERE BEING MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE IN THE MATCH. If everybody got DQ’d for breaking up pins, the longest Dragon Gate match in history would be 45 seconds long.

The worst part is how iffy it all is. For example, CM Punk got disqualified for attacking Paul Heyman, when normally the DQ would only happen if Heyman attacked Punk. But then in Ziggler/Langston, Kaitlyn wanders out to the ring and starts fighting with AJ … both of them got in the ring and Ziggler put his hands on BOTH of them, but the match continued and Langston got to hit his finish and win. Why is this situational? Why can’t you establish a rule and stick with it? If you don’t want the rule to hinder your matches, guess what? Wrestling isn’t real. You can write out the rule. You just have to pick a side and stick with it, or else nothing matters and we notice you just arbitrarily ending matches because you don’t give a shit about wrestling.

Best: A By-the-numbers Main Event Gets A Wonderfully Not-by-the-numbers Aftermath

On the plus side, I loved the post-match stuff with Orton openly and obviously turning on his teammates when the opportunity presented itself, then being unable to cash in because The Shield is hanging around. Which makes sense, because The Shield originally interrupted Orton when he was talking about cashing in on Cena earlier in the show … because The Shield hates the injustice of bullshit briefcase cash-ins. So now everybody hates Orton, the Shield sorta realizes they control Orton’s destiny and Bryan and Cena are still stuck in friendship-but-maybe-not limbo. All fun stuff to talk about. A great last 3 minutes.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Juby14

Bryan, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you’re off the team, for good!

Harry Longabaugh

Wade’s heel beard is gone. Now THAT is how you turn face.

raymc99

during the commercial break Barrett was beaten up by a camera man, a concession vendor, and two kids in the parking lot.

Fancy Catsup

RVD’s offense looks less like a wrestler’s moveset and more like an overly exuberant guy trying a complicated dance move at a club and crashing into someone else in his vicinity.

Oops Pow Surprise

More like Money In The Drank

oh whatever like you people are joke gods

Proinsias Cassidy

John Cena is arguing against points Daniel Bryan didn’t make. He’s basically the Republican Party of WWE.

HeyYouWrestler

that was the greatest way to accept an inferno match challenge, laughing because you know you’ll beat Kane

SHough610

Paul Heyman’s mouth is like his business philosophy: writing checks that others can’t cash.

Bordick

I wonder if there’s a tape of Curtis Axel’s conception, and that all it is Mr. Perfect shooting his wad in the air, slapping the load with his hand, and it flies in slow motion with his music playing directly inside Mrs. Perfect.

Breaking Hurd

If WWE is the NFl, Triple H is Aaron Hernandez: has buried an unknown number of people in both Connecticut and Florida

See you all next week.

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