‘The Swanson Pyramid Of Greatness’

We usually leave the TV stuff to Ufford, but last night’s season premeire of NBC’s “Parks And Recreation” featured something that was (a) sports-related, and (b) pretty damn funny. Some of you might not be familiar with “Wooden’s Pyramid For Success,” created by the late UCLA coaching legend John Wooden, but it’s probably the original archetype for every motivational poster hanging in every high school gym in America.

“Parks And Rec” did a nice riff on that with their Ron Swanson character, who basically reminds me of my dad without his sidearm. And so when Ron went to coach his park-sponsored youth basketball team, he unleashed the “Swanson Pyramid Of Greatness,” a plethora of mini-tips for tasteful living. Some of those gems include:

Teamwork: Very important. Equally important: selfishness. Take what’s yours.

Cursing: There’s only one bad word. Taxes.

Animal protiens: Four to eight servings daily.

Skim milk: Avoid it.

Friends: One to three is sufficient.

Frankness: “Cut the bullsh:t.”

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Torso: Should be thick and impenetrable.

“Skim Milk. That’s right. It’s on here twice. Avoid it.”

Is it as good as the D.E.N.N.I.S. system? Not quite. Is it still hilarious? Very much so. Video and image of the full pyramid await you after the jump.

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