(Burnsy here. The other day, me and the fellas were chatting around the UPROXX whiskey fountain, and we decided that Sports Illustrated and Deadspin are on to something. Last week, SI – for no reason other than passing out some cyber ass slaps – launched its list of the 100 sports people that we should be following on Twitter, and Deadspin responded with a more tongue-in-cheek version of people we shouldn’t follow. The problem, though, is that there are people out there who you really should be following that don’t get the credit they deserve, and there are people who really, really suck beyond the obvious guys like Skip Bayless and Jason Whitlock, who both really, really suck.
So we enlisted some friends for this week, and we’re sending out our own Twitter ass slaps. First up, my brother from another mother, Bobby Big Wheel.)
Hey there boners, Bobby Big Wheel here, starting off our week of awesome Twitter lists to counteract the lame-ass Sports Illustrated linkbait crap Darren Rovell ones. Did I use enough adjectives there? Good. Anyway, here are 25 Tweeters that I want to go to Burning Man with.
The main rule of going to Burning Man is that you need someone who you’re willing to spend all day with. Like, some people are fun in small doses but you need to hang around someone you could bro out with when it’s 2 am, you’ve been tripping balls all day, and you’re out of organic pizza rolls. Celebrity Hot Tub fits that bill and he’s never not funny.
McQuade is cool because he’s good at finding stuff like Kathy Lee Gifford drunk on the Today Show or weird local news stories. At Burning Man he’d be the one finding a 300-pound hippie getting eaten out by a homeless dude.
You need a fat sarcastic guy around to keep you sane. Normally Burnsy fills that role for me but Jerkstoremike would do a killer job of that as well after a week in the desert.
The Captain’s watched a lot of James Bond movies so I figure he’d be good at constructing a badass tent and seducing women to come by it.
Petchesky has a neck tattoo so I imagine he’d do a good job of scoring psychotropics. A dealer would look at him and realize he can’t rip him off with bad stuff.
KVV is actually a respected writer so he’d come in handy when you’re trying to remember what happened and then all of a sudden stories of you humping a lighting fixture naked are in Vanity Fair.
Suss is a funny dude and never takes himself too seriously, which will come in handy when you’re out of booze and a group of drifters makes you do awful stuff for a half-drunk 40.
Muscles is more than one year sober so I won’t be able to trip balls with him, but he’ll be extra-Southern and help us lift stuff so he’s a good add to the team.
Rubenstein has enough issues moving from LA to New York so it’d be a lot of fun seeing how he tried to adapt to the desert. Even though he’d probably eat all of our sandwiches.
Clue does an excellent job of chronicling the madness in Arizona, which is similar to the madness at Burning Man except heavily armed.
Chili has been spending his post-collegiate years going to Burning Man-type parties in Thailand, which not only makes him ideal for this list but makes you wonder why you didn’t do the same. Seems like a better use of $100,000 than law school.
Spud has always been funnier than me and I’ve always hated him for it, so I’m taking him to Burning Man to give him some bad acid as a measure of revenge.
Booker is a TV writer in LA so I expect him to have a major revelation at Burning Man like Roman did in the last episode of Party Down
Winslow is a Jewish lawyer from Miami so he’d be like Sean Penn in Carlito’s Way and probably end up running a cartel after a week in the desert.
Holly is the only woman I put on this list (sorry I’m a chauvinist!) but she doesn’t put up with any crap so we’d need her to keep all the dudebros in line.
Stefan made his bones by finding the worst people on the Internet so who better to find the worst patchouli-scented assholes in Nevada?
Kirk is a pro at making fun of college football craziness, so making fun of hippie craziness should be right up his alley.
Hatey is another Deadspin OG who’s funnier than me so again, it’s all about wrecking his brain with psychotropic drugs.
Iracane lives in Jersey so we need to expand his horizons. If you know a better way of doing that than Burning Man let me know.
Mobute’s pwning Republicans game is unmatched, so his pwning Burning Man game should be the same.
Butter Chicken’s an under the radar fantastic tweeter. A tweeter’s tweeter, if you will. So at Burning Man he’d be the one making all the sly comments about the idiots tripping balls in front of us.
Staples will be crucial for manning the grill when we’re out in the desert. He’s one of those guys who doesn’t have a sense of humor about calling anything other than slow-cooking meat “barbecue.” Thankfully he has a sense of humor about everything else.
He took his Christian name and put “taco” in the middle of it so you know he’s alright.
Magary gets on here because he’s got 3 kids and he’ll go fucking insane if he gets to go to Burning Man. Like, we’d find him pantsless with a bunch of biker chicks at 8 am and he’ll have no idea how he got there. Can’t wait.
Spencer would start out as the voice of reason in our Burning Man tent but in the end he’ll be doing classy opiates nonstop and talking about Taiwan.