Tiger Woods had been setting trends in golf for a long time, but while smashing long drives and complaining about photographers aren’t trends that have caught on in the non-golfing world, his high-profile humping seems to have earned at least one follower. Jesse James, for one. And I mean the bike-building Jesse James, not the 19th-century outlaw. James, who is still married to noted actress Sandra Bullock, saw his own Parade Of Whores kick off no less than a week after his wife won the Academy Award for The Blind Side. But which one screwed around on his wife better? Let’s break it down.
Tiger Woods: Plays golf for a living, holds 97 professional tour titles.
Jesse James: CEO of West Coast Choppers, so even though he has all those tats and an above-average goatee, he meets the criteria of “white-collar douchebag.” EDGE: Push.
Tiger: African American/Chinese/Native American father, Thai/Chinese/Dutch mother.
Jesse: Claims to be descendant of the original 19th century outlaw, but refused to take a DNA test to verify. EDGE: Tiger.
Tiger: Swedish au pair that Woods plucked away from another golfer on the PGA Tour.
Jesse: That chick that was in Speed and Demolition Man. EDGE: Jesse.
Tiger: Tiger. Duh.
Jesse: Vanilla Gorilla. Amazing, and somehow, not racist. EDGE: Jesse.
QUANTITY OF MISTRESSES.
Tiger: We stopped counting at 15.
Jesse: We were never really counting. EDGE: Tiger.
Tiger: Gatorade, who was probably going to dump him anyway.
Jesse: Chance to transform prized Hollywood statuette into a badass 1200cc road hog. EDGE: Push.
POTENTIALLY DAMAGED CHILDREN.
Tiger: Two kids, both conceived with his wife. And should we count the labradoodle? Let’s count the labradoodle.
Jesse: Three kids from past marriages, one with porn star Janine Lindenmulder. Pretty sure that those kids will never be in a healthy relationship ever. EDGE: Tiger.
Tiger: Get back to swingin’ it at Augusta National next month.
Jesse: Crank up the hog for one more right. EDGE: Push.