San Francisco Giants right-handed starter Tim Lincecum is almost ready for the day pitchers and catchers report for spring training, and a picture of his new look is circling around the Internet now. Look for yourself at how he looks now that he’s probably gotten sick of the comparisons to Mitch Kramer. He now looks a lot like John Waters!
I support his endeavor to change his look, except for that scarf part. Timmy, you’re not part of Fleet Foxes; you’re a crazy f-cking pitcher who has won back-to-back Cy Youngs and a World Series trophy this past season. If you’re serious about that mustache, put some more effort into it. The ladies will not be impressed with a mustache ride with only that on your face. That sh-t’s weak. This will probably be the only instance of me ever endorsing a baseball player using substances to help out his physical features.
If Timmy really does keep this, imagine the emotional distress players will have after striking out to that picture. Actually, I’ve changed my mind; keep the scarf, and wear it while you pitch. Mark Reynolds will break down and cry after whiffing at the disgusting curveball you’ve thrown. To make it even more funny, twiddle your facial hair after every strikeout. Give out wispy-ass Timmy Staches to go along with the Timmy Wigs at AT&T Park. You can be the hero for kids with weak facial hair everywhere!
Of course, the people against Timmy’s mustache could orchestrate some rallies of their own against the facial hair fiasco. Instead of “LET TIMMY SMOKE,” they could say “LET TIMMY SHAVE”! I’m making the shirts already. Yeah, I support his decision, but I can still find a way to profit from both sides. I’m not a businessman; I’m a business, man. Wait, I think I used that wrong.