One of the things that the WWE is so great at is providing its stars with the opportunity to cross over into the mainstream, whether through the company’s own production wing or its connections with networks like USA and obviously E!. The ability to have guys like the Miz show up on random TV shows or John Cena starring in action blockbusters is great for the WWE to help get these guys some exposure out of the ring, as well as bringing in new viewers from audiences that wouldn’t necessarily be watching Raw on a Monday night.
The Miz, of course, played a hilariously BROish BRO on an episode of USA’s Psych, and it looks like that has opened the door for the Bella Twins to do the same. This made the opening of this week’s episode of Total Divas a little more interesting to me because it allows me to once again admit that Psych has been one of my guiltiest TV pleasures of the last decade, while also expressing my desire to see it end already. Seriously, the routine has grown stale and there are only so many genre parodies that I can take in one series’ run. End it with dignity, Psych, and let Maggie Lawson move on to be a star elsewhere.
With that irrelevant bit out of the way, let’s dive dong-first into this week’s ridiculous orgy of bitterness and resentment that is Total Divas.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Trinity (Her and Jon Uso make the best of their limited screen time as the best couple in the WWE.)
2) Brie Bella
3) Poor Nattie
4) Nikki Bella and her breasts
5) JoJo
6) Eva Marie
7) Ariane (You can swap Ariane and Eva Marie for this last spot because they’re basically tied.)
The Bella Twins Are Bigger Than Ever (Not A Boob Or Weight Joke)
Nikki and her breasts and Brie are going to be on Psych and they call this the biggest dream come true. Everyone would die to work with James Roday, obviously. It almost doesn’t seem forced at all when Dule Hill and Roday act excited to meet the Bella Twins.
Very Important Information Of The Week
Brie is a 34B and Nikki and her breasts are a 34D.
Nikki And Her Breasts Are (Still) Ready To Make An Honest Man Of John Cena
Hey, remember a while back when John Cena asked Nikki and her breasts to move in with him? Well, that’s finally happening. Nikki and her breasts wish that someone would write a book that helps teach a girl how to move in with a guy. I’ll save her a lot of time right now: Don’t move our stuff around and don’t complain about our farts. You follow those two rules and you and I will live together forever or until your boobs are too droopy. Hashtag real talk.
Nikki and her breasts have 26 boxes of crap that they’re moving into Cena’s house and his reaction, or rather lack thereof, was pretty much perfect. What’s funny about this is: 1) As we’ve already seen, Cena’s house is practically empty, whether as the result of his divorce or because he’s just a boring dude and doesn’t know the first thing about decorating (black light posters and empty liquor bottles, bro), and 2) Those 26 boxes were delivered in a minivan. Maybe there was another truck outside that we couldn’t see, but the moving guy with the blurred face looked like he was just taking the kids to soccer practice.
Also, at the risk of too many side notes, how do you react if you’re a moving guy and you show up to this giant house to find out it’s John Cena’s? How many times could I point to a box and ask, “And where would you like the jean shorts?” before he punches me?
(GIF via)
Nikki And Her Breasts Also Had Some “Friends” Moving In
Nikki and her breasts unpacked not one… not two… not three… not four… not five… but SIX VIBRATORS in front of Cena. The f*ck you need six vibrators for, girl? Is there not one vibrator out there that gets the job done? Here’s my prediction of Cena looking for his sunglasses in three weeks:
Strangest Cameo Of The Week
For no reason other than he was there, Dennis “Mr. Belding” Haskins was hanging out with the Bella Twins before a show. I asked Brandon about this and he said that Mr. Belding just sort of sleeps in a box that the WWE ships from show to show, because he’s like a hamster that everyone takes turns feeding. Okay, maybe he didn’t say that, but it sounds a lot more fun than the truth.
Coolest Cameo Of The Week
Props to Dr. James Andrews for showing up and performing his miracle work on another athlete. However, I’m disappointed in the camera crew for not sneaking into the back area and proving my theory that Dr. Andrews’ facility is the real-life basis for The 6th Day.
The Coolest Moment That We’d Probably All Like To See More Of
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but the best moments of this show are those that offer us a glimpse at the real people behind the cameras, and specifically Cena, when he’s talking about life outside of wrestling. Obviously, this is a show called Total Divas and not Cena Needs Some Tissues, but if you could have the Divas being a little more open and honest about life in and around the ring, you might actually have something that’s more entertaining and aesthetically valuable than this ironically funny and unintentional mockumentary.
The Best Moment That Was A Lot More Indicative Of This Show’s Value
Immediately after Cena got a little teary-eyed on the private jet with Nikki and her breasts, he mentions the “scrotum” on his elbow, and Nikki and her breasts confused that with the “skin between the butthole and the chode.” Obviously, she confused the scrotum with the chode itself, and you can learn more about that at Urban Dictionary.
The Most Unexpected Moment That Made Me Squeal
Not only did I not think that they’d show Cena’s actual elbow surgery, but I never thought that in a million years they would show a huge stream of blood squirt from his elbow like that. In fact, I was incredibly disappointed in Nikki and her breasts for not fainting and/or screaming bloody murder.
Don’t Blink Or You’ll Miss AJ Lee
It really upsets me that the only time that I get to see AJ on this show is during random matches. I wish she’d show up every once in a while and just wink at the camera so I know that she’s thinking of me. What stalker? Who’s a pervert? You’re the one who pervert stalks creepy, you pervert. Anyway, the Funkadactyls got to wrestle so they could set up Eva Marie’s story for this week. On one hand, it keeps me from fast forwarding through Ariane’s nonsense, but it also deprives me of Trinity saying awesome stuff.
In fact, speaking of…
Total Divas Trash-Talking Line Of The Week, Brought To You By Depends Undergarments
“Just make sure you wear your diaper next time.” – Trinity to Nattie, after Nattie hints that she’s still bitter that a standard flying butt blast caused her to piss herself in the ring.
Grow up and get over it, Nattie.
Your ‘Driving With Trinity And Jon Uso’ Moment Of The Week
Last week I said that Total Divas is completely missing out by not having an additional web series that features just Trinity and Jon Uso driving around and being themselves. This week, they added fuel to my argument by having Jon fart in the car while he’s driving the Funkadactyls around. Two girls screaming while a large man fills the car with rotten egg protein farts is television gold, Jerry.
(GIF via)
Nattie Still Hates Everyone And Life Itself
Nattie is still bitter at the world because she’s probably the hardest working wrestler with possibly the best in-ring skills, but she keeps getting passed over for all of the other female wrestlers because they’re better looking. So when Eva Marie was asked if she wanted to do some in-ring announcing for the next Raw, Nattie referred to her as a “kitten clawing around in a little box.” I may not like Eva Marie at all, but I always expect Nattie to take the higher road. This disappoints me.
Eva Marie Has A Dream, Ya’ll
Eva Marie lets us know that she definitely wants to succeed as a Diva in the WWE, which is cool and all, but she needs to learn how to, you know, wrestle. Or maybe she doesn’t, I honestly don’t even know what it takes at this point. So in order to make her better and give her more exposure, they’re letting her speak in the ring, so if it’s anything like being Fandango’s valet, Eva Marie will acknowledge that she needs to practice a lot and then she won’t practice at all. Hey, at least she’s not lying her ass off this time.
Oh Hey, We’ve Got An Alicia Fox Sighting
Eva Marie is so nervous about her role as a ring announcer, so she travels to Orlando to get some advice from Alicia Fox at the WWE Performance Center. Am I upset that they film part of this show in Orlando and don’t ever call me, the Internet’s foremost expert on Total Divas, and ask me to get a behind-the-cameras look at how this show is made? Not really. Eva Marie would probably kick me in the balls.
Anyway, more Alicia Fox, please.
Eva Marie Is Terrible At Every Job
I know it’s not easy to stand in front of an arena full of people and recite memorized information, especially when it’s also being aired to millions of people, and Internet jackasses like me are waiting to pounce on every word, but Eva Marie only needs to know basic information about the wrestlers she’s announcing. So not knowing that Randy Orton is from St. Louis and not Los Angeles is, like the WWE boss guy tells her, some pretty big sh*t.
Daniel Bryan And Brie Bella Are “A Power Couple” Now
Another cool aspect of this week’s Total Divas episode that we flirted with but missed out on was Daniel Bryan’s transition to the company’s biggest star and how that affects him and Brie. Then again, something that was even more entertaining to me would have been an entire hour of watching Daniel play with his dog.
(GIF via)
Ginger Mahal Should Be Very Upset With Eva Marie
Jinder Maha’s faux anger at Eva Marie was a pretty great turn of events. She butchered his name during her ring announcer duties, and that’s pretty f-ing embarrassing for him trying to be taken seriously, now that every wrestling fan is going to be calling him Ginger. However, Eva Marie’s response to such a stupid f*ckup – “I went out there and didn’t try to manipulate anyone and take a shortcut” – is dumb on several levels. Hooray, you chose not to cheat. You also chose not to do your job well, so which matters more?
Jon Uso’s Approach To Doctors Speaks Directly To Me
Jon’s toe is apparently a disgusting mess and Trinity wants him to get it checked out, but he’s terrified of doctors and he’d rather let it fall off. Jon and I are practically brothers in this regard. Just watching him in the chair having his toe examined was awful. But at the same time, I had no problem watching Cena’s elbow erupt like Old Faithful. Strange how that works.
Real Talk Of The Week
Watching Daniel Bryan have to Facetime with his dog was the worst. The No. 1 thing I hate about traveling is leaving my dog. It’s awful. Who will be there to rub her tummy if something happens to me? No father should have to deal with that kind of separation anxiety.
AND JOHN CENA TURNS HEEL! CENA TURNS HEEL!
We all knew that the cohabitation agreement was coming, but the timing was hilariously awful. Nikki and her breasts had been taking care of Cena following his elbow surgery, and she even dressed up as a sexy nurse for him. And then he’s all, “Hey, by the wayyyyyyyy… sign this lease and have it notarized, rent is due no later than the third of the month, and I need a check for first and last month, you lowly tenant that I will not marry.” Damn, that’s some awkward cliffhanging, Total Divas.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Trinity (She only wants what’s best for her and her man.)
2) JoJo (She was only on this week’s episode for one reaction shot, so I’m ranking her here out of sympathy)
3) Ariane (She was barely on this week’s episode and she didn’t say, “Bomb dot com” or bring Vincent along)
4) Brie Bella
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts
6) Poor Nattie
7) Eva Marie
On Next Week’s Episode: Who knows? I mean, the preview for this week’s episode showed everyone fighting with everyone, Nattie drunk dialing Stephanie McMahon, and Eva Marie pissing everyone else off. Hell, this co-habitation agreement angle was teased eight episodes ago and we just watched it happen. I have no idea what happens next, but I think that’s probably a good thing.
(Some screen caps via)
