I have a very unpopular confession that I need to make – I was really pulling for Eva Marie to win the Slammy for Best Diva last night, because I think the corner of the Internet that is reserved for professional wrestling fans would have exploded. And it would have been a nuclear detonation along the lines of “I can’t believe the WCW just gave its title to David Arquette, I’m never watching this sh*t again,” because just the fact that Eva Marie was nominated for the faux honor is awful in itself, because she isn’t good at anything.
Mainly, though, it would have been great for Total Divas on E! if Eva Marie had won, because when the reality series eventually hits this point in time, it would be amazing to see her overreact and behave like she’s the WWE’s most important asset. I’m sure she’s still going to do that anyway – she was in Maxim, after all – but this would have been some Emperor’s New Clothes level of foolishness. Besides, it’s still pretty freaking goofy that the Bella Twins won. I’m sure that’ll go over well.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) JoJo – We’ve barely heard from the youngest Diva in two episodes, which is exactly what she needed. Very well done.
2) Trinity – Even when they cram her and Jon Uso into a terribly fake “OMG they r gun break up!” angle, it’s not enough to make me hate her.
3) Brie Bella – She always gains points for being the Bella in love with Daniel Bryan. This is a proxy ranking.
4) Poor Nattie – It’s very strange that her irrational hatred of Eva Marie is making me dislike her. Keep the vitriol on the real, Nattie.
5) Ariane – Her forcing Vincent to try out for the WWE and humiliate himself made me like her just a little bit more.
6) Nikki Bella and her breasts – I still can’t get over the fact that she spent almost two episodes pissed off at John Cena over the cohabitation agreement without even talking to him.
7) Eva Marie – Will she ever climb out of this hole? Probably not.
The Name Of This Episode Is ‘Saying Goodbye’
The title refers to the choice that Nattie will have to make in saying goodbye to her cat, Gismo. I can’t stress how much the little things of this show crack me up some time. Don’t get me wrong, I totally get the whole family pet thing and would be really sad, too, but come on. It’s a cat. Nattie even says, “Outside of the WWE, our lives revolve around Gismo,” and I don’t know how to react to that. Oh wait, yes I do…
But these two love their cat, and I can’t make fun of that. Hell, Gismo even inspired TJ to get back in the ring and win.
It’s also important to point out that either TJ doesn’t know how to spell Gismo’s name or the show kept misspelling it. Either way, RIP Gizmo/Gismo.
John Cena Is Rehabbing So Let’s Make That Sexual
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – within the next few years, there’s going to be a John Cena-Nikki Bella sex tape. The fact that these two can and will turn every little thing into something sexual – like him using muscle stimulators on his chest – coupled with the fact that she owns 11,000 vibrators almost guarantees that we’ll see a post on TMZ Sports in the immediate future about someone shopping a Cena sex tape. Will it be because they’ve broken up and she’s bitter and wants to make money while also furthering her own career like other reality stars? Yeah, most likely.
Hey, Remember How Jon Uso And Trinity Were Fighting?
This is my biggest pet peeve with Total Divas, and I almost hate admitting this, because people think I only watch this show out of comical hatred, as opposed to the reality – that I’m fascinated by how forced some of the stories are. Honestly, WWE and E!, hire me to run the second season of this show, and I promise you that people will go nuts over the storylines that I develop. For example, I would make Eva Marie go through a Billy Madison scenario in which she has to go back to school, starting with kindergarten. Would she pass? Tune in to find out!
Anyway, remember how Jon Uso and Trinity were fighting over her dad last week? I guess the writers didn’t, because we catch up with them this week while they’re ring shopping. Even the most insignificant storylines need to be tied off, people.
Side note: I would watch the hell out of a separate show that features Trinity and Jon in her hair salon each week, because the women in that salon were awesome.
Here Comes The Side Of Beef
Trinity is posing for a shoot in Jet magazine and Jon wants her to reconsider wearing a two-piece because he has apparently never seen what she wears in the ring when she wrestles.
Here Comes The Real Beef
Trinity is being put into a new storyline as another WWE Superstar’s love interest. Gee, how is that going to go over with Jon Uso? Will he pretend to be upset about it? Will it possibly threaten their real-life relationship despite the fact that we know they’re okay? It turns out that he went behind her back and told the creative team that he doesn’t want her doing that. This results in the cameo of Brodus Clay, and that gave me another idea for a side series that I’d watch involving Jon and Trinity.
Brodus Clay: Relationship Mediator
Every time that Jon and Trinity get into a fight, they need to have Brodus show up and play Dr. Phil to talk them through it. See, WWE? I’m full of these awesome ideas for the next season of Total Divas.
Brie Is Getting Pretty Tired Of Nikki’s Vacation
By this episode, Nikki and her breasts have been out of action for five months. I haven’t been keeping track of the time on the show and in reality, but that doesn’t seem right. Whatever, I’ll take their word for it. Naturally, Brie is pretty pissed that while Nikki has been rehabbing, she’s been more concerned with her relationship with Cena. I’m not sure what else she’s supposed to be concerned with, but Brie is angry about it, y’all, and she’s starting to realize that she can be a solo star for once.
Potential small business owner inquiry: If I owned a small boutique, how could I sign up to have Nikki and Brie Bella argue in it during one of these episodes? They seem to be very good at picking cute little stores to have their fake fights in.
Random ignorant thought from a guy who doesn’t watch wrestling all that much: Wouldn’t the natural progression with these two Divas be to have them feud with each other at some point? I mean, that’s a double whammy in that it would be good for both the ring and the reality series. They’re already good at being pissy with each other over the dumbest things, so let’s transfer that to the ring already.
It All Comes Back To Nikki’s Breasts
The final scene with Nikki and Brie making up in front of their mom will end up being one of the most awkward TV moment of the year, with Nikki not only groping her own breasts, but also feeling up her sister, and then Brie ultimately making fun of her mom’s breasts. This family is strange and sometimes I really wish that they’d keep Daniel Bryan out of their nonsense.
Oh Hey, Did Jon And Trinity Ultimately Make Up?
Yes. Because they’re the best.
Where The Hell Was Eva Marie This Week?
Not ruining the flow of the show, that’s for sure. Sometimes I wish they’d be more consistent with screen time, but episodes like this make me think that they’re listening to me and the editors were like, “You know what? Let’s take a little break from Eva Marie this week.” Except, that meant that nobody explained why her and Nattie were suddenly BFF after Nattie was so irate with her a week ago. So frustrating!
And Did Nattie And TJ Get Over Gismo’s Death?
Yeah, by getting another cat. You’re not supposed to replace a pet, people. Take some time and grieve before you welcome another pet into your home. Even if it is adorable.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Ariane – It’s the upset of the year. But this also happened because she was the least unbearable of the Divas this week in her limited screen time.
2) JoJo – At first I was relieved that she hadn’t been on the show in two episodes and now I feel bad for her again, because she was only there as a background cheerleader.
3) Trinity – Again, I don’t like the fabricated drama between Jon and Trinity, because it makes them both look stupid, but I know the truth, that these two are adorable together.
4) Brie Bella – She’d be my No. 1 this week if she had nutted up and told Nikki that she wanted to do her own thing.
5) Nikki Bella – She’d be my No. 1 this week if she had nutted up and told Brie that she’s tired of the vacation cracks and will pursue her own solo career.
6) Nattie – I’m not trying to downplay the death of a family pet and all, but I would have been a little pissed if I was TJ.
7) Eva Marie – She barely spoke this week, but watching her hang out with Nattie and be happy for TJ made me irrationally angry.
On Next Week’s Episode: It’s the season finale, so everyone is going to fight about something. Nattie finally drunk dials Steph McMahon, while Eva Marie’s boyfriend asks her dad for his permission to marry her and, hoo boy, I can’t wait to see her family. It’s going to be great. We should do it live.