The unstoppable machine known as UFC programming rolls on for another weekend of fights. Saturday night’s UFC on Fox 12 looks like a really awesome card, so let’s dive right into the predictions!
Important Standings of Note
Strawweight – Juliana “Ju-Thai” Lima vs Joanna Jedrzejczyk
Jessica: MORE STRAWWEIGHTS, YES! I’m a little disappointed that the first two UFC strawweight fights have been buried at the bottom of the Fight Pass prelims, especially since both Gadelha and Lima have very good chances of becoming early title contenders after TUF 20 finishes. Anyway, Lima and uh, Joanna, are rad Thai boxers, so this fight should be really cool. I’ve seen more of Lima, so I’ll take her to win by third round TKO (Muay Thai face-destruction).
Danny: Jedrzejczyk — I hope she doesn’t decide to fight as often as Cerrone. I can’t spend that much time spelling.
Vince: The only fight of either of theirs I’ve seen is Ju-Thai getting pushed around by a Finn. Will a nice Polish lady be able to do the same? Uh… let’s say yes, because honestly, who the hell knows.
Burnsy: Jedrzejczyk? Is she related to Jedward?!?!
Sorry, I’m just fascinated by those f*cking weirdos. Anyway, I’ll take Jedrzejczyk by a consonant.
Welterweight – Andreas “Real Steel” Stahl vs Gilbert “Durinho” Burns
Jessica: I’m going with Burnsy’s Brazilian cousin to win by second round submission. VAI BURNSINHO!
Vince: Here we’ve got two undefeated-ass dudes, one a Swede the other a Brazilian. I’ve never seen either fight, but I enjoy that the Swede has fought on a card called “Ice Rage,” so I’m going to go ahead and pick Stahl based on that. (*Mr. Freeze gif goes here*)
Burnsy: I’m going to pick the guy whose last name is the same as mine.
Featherweight – “Super” Steven Siler vs Noad “Neo” Lahat
Jessica: I don’t want to get all political here, but apparently there are THINGS happening in Israel right now. So I think Lahat (French for THE HAT) will be a little distracted, and Siler will punch him in the face a bunch. Siler wins by second round TKO. Also, Lahat loses a ton of points for not being Noad “The Load” Lahat.
Vince: Steven Siler looks like a guy who’d get brutally titty-twistered in any locker room on Earth. In other words, he looks like a white guy from Anaheim, which is what he is. That said, he’s a solid if unspectacular fighter. I’m going to assume Lahat’s last fight, in which he got flying knee’d into night night time by Godofredo Pepey in his first loss, was a bit of a fluke. What the hell, I’ll pick the Israeli to pull it out this time. The fact that he went out totally cold after the knee gives me pause, but… Israelis are tough, right? Sure, he people come back from brutal KOs. Heck, Wanderlei Silva gets knocked out cold twice a week, just for fun.
Burnsy: This is tough. Is Lahat’s nickname Neo because he loves The Matrix? If so, that’s really lame and I can’t pick that. So I’ll stick with the far more experienced Siler.
Spilled Bag of Ice: Steve Siler – I gotta pick the guy who’s carrying on the Dannyboy Downes tradition of looking like someone who you could bully into giving you his lunch money but would smash you. Plus his nickname is Super Steven Siler so extra points for alliteration!
Lightweight – Tiago “Trator” dos Santos vs Akhbarh “El Caballero” Arreola
Jessica: Going with Admiral Nipples all day here (I hope his walkout song is something by Ganksta N-I-P to further the gimmick I’m certain he doesn’t have).
Vince: Two guys I’ve never seen fight. I lean more towards Arreola, seeing as how he has fought people I’ve heard of (Mac Danzig, Toby Imada, Ronys Torres), despite losing to all of them. Plus, his name is “Akhbarh,” which has to count for something, even though I really, really, really wish his nickname could be “Admiral.” Missed opportunity there. Arreola.
Burnsy: Beats me, Trator? Sure, Trator.
Featherweight – Mike “El Cucuy” De La Torre vs Brian “T-City” Ortega
Jessica: Ortega trains with Rener Gracie, and “T-City” stands for “Triangle City”, so I’ll go with Ortega to win by first round triangle choke.
Vince: Welp, I’ve never seen either of these guys fight. However, I do see that most of De La Torre’s losses are by decision, and most of Ortega’s wins are by submission. Does that mean anything? I guess we’ll see. Ortega.
Burnsy: I like Ortega because I read “T-City” as Tity at first and that made me laugh.
Welterweight – Hernani Perpetuo vs Tim “Dirty Bird” Means
Jessica: Is Perpetuo better than a sauna? I don’t see it, so I’ll go with Means to win by TKO in the third. Tim will then party with Jamal Anderson and Eugene Robinson.
Vince: I still love the name Hernani Perpetuo because it sounds like some kind of Latin vagina reference. Anyway, Means just lost to Neil Magny so I have to go Perpetuo.
Burnsy: Hernani leads me to say Hoonani, which of course turns into punani, so he’s my top choice.
Spilled Bag of Ice: Tim Means – I once interviewed him and he told me he once got hit in the head with a shovel way before it was a viral video. He’s a tough SOB. I’m picking him by any Means necessary. He Means business. This Means isn’t average. You know what I Means?
Light Heavyweight – Patrick “Durkin” Cummins vs Kyle “Kingsbu” Kingsbury
Jessica: Kingsbury got completely schooled on the ground by Stephen Bonnar some time back, and since I still resent him for unfairly stealing a decision over Fabio Maldonado, I’ll say that big Pat Barista wrestles all over him and gets a second round TKO.
Vince: Kingsbury is big and tough and god damn can he take a beating. Meanwhile, Cummins, for all the talk of him being a barista going into the Cormier fight, I thought did pretty well when you consider that he was fighting one of the best in the world on short notice. Cummins will be faster than Kingsbury and I have to think his wrestling will be more effective than it was against an Olympian. Cummins.
Burnsy: Might as well cheer for the big time underdog to actually win. I’ll take Cummins to provide us all with some inspiration.
Lightweight – Daron “Detroit Superstar” Cruickshank vs Jorge “Gamebred” Masvidal
Jessica: Now we begin entering the RAD AS F*CK portion of the card. Hermione’s Cat and Masvidal should have a pretty good kick fight, but I think that since Jorge took a spin kick to the neck from Rustam Khabilov, he’ll be able to handle Cruickshank. Masvidal wins by decision.
Vince: I always think Masvidal is on the cusp of stardom and then he turns in some just-better-than adequate victory. Meanwhile Cruickshank has looked incredible in his last two victories. Both guys are good enough strikers that it could go either way, but if Cruickshank fights like he did against Erik Koch I feel good about picking him.
Burnsy: Every one of Masvidal’s fights, win or lose, goes to decision. I want Cruickshank to keep the TKO party going with a 3rd round KABOOM to the dome.
Spilled Bag of Ice: Cruickshank – because spinning shit… and I feel like picking underdogs. Fuck it. War Mr. Shanky.
Lightweight – Josh “The Punk” Thomson vs Bobby “King” Green
Jessica: I hate Thomson’s opinions about things, and so long as Green continues to slip and dodge punches through dance, I’ll always love that dude. Green wins by second round KO. Also, after reading about the terrible things Green has gone through, anyone that picks against him is a big dumb jerk that I hate.
Danny: I’m glad Thomson decided not to retire, but this isn’t a good matchup for him. He has the offensive capabilities, but both his striking and grappling defense has holes. Green will win the boxing exchanges and use his footwork to avoid getting rushed. The King takes the unanimous decision.
Vince: I totally agree with Jessica about who I want to win this fight, but I haven’t yet seen anything in Green’s past fights that suggest he can handle a step up like Thomson. Green’s fast and athletic, but he keeps his hands low and shoulder rolls a lot, which I don’t think is going to work as well against Thomson as it did against, say, Pat Healy. Thomson.
Burnsy: Green’s TKO win over James Krause from last November still haunts my dreams, because body kicks always make me uneasy. The more I watch Thomson, the more I start to think if he just has a little more, he’s fighting for a belt. But I just don’t think he has a little more. Green hasn’t lost a fight in three years next Wednesday, so I’d like to see him celebrate that.
Spilled Bag of Ice: Bobby Green – Josh Thomson says dumb shit on twitter and is not very punk at all. Bobby Green ridded the UFC of the root canal of MMA, Jacob Volkmann. I’m gonna be environmentally conscious and GO GREEN. My puns are outta control.
Featherweight – Clay “The Carpenter” Guida vs Dennis “The Menace” Bermudez
Jessica: Clay Guida is a fart. Even when he was “exciting”, I never cared for his terrible fighting style. Bermudez has been growing on me by putting on really rad fights. Bermudez to win by decision and maybe punch out Jason Guida in the back because that dude is less than worthless.
Danny: Back in Milwaukee there was this one guy we called the “Witch Doctor.” He was a former bodybuilder that lived in a Japanese monastery for a number of years who would often use his blend of chiropractry and voodoo on us injured fighters. He was also very passionate about his Scottish pride and would compete in longbow competitions. Why do I bring this up? Because he’s the second coolest dude to rock the fanny pack next to Clay Guida. Unfortunately, that’s about all the Carpenter has going for him this fight. Bermudez may not be a striking prodigy, but his footwork and speed will help him avoid Guida’s unorthodox, sometimes sloppy striking. Couple that with Bermudez’s athleticism, the Menace takes this by decision.
Vince: Clay Guida is a different fighter every damned time he’s in the cage. He actually looked like the Guida of old against Kawajira, albeit with improved striking. Still, I think Bermudez is too fast and strong for him and he takes this via decision.
Burnsy: Guida’s always the kind of guy, to me, who can get in the octagon and give anyone the hardest fight of their lives. On the other hand, I think Bermudez is great and deserves to start climbing that Featherweight ladder, so I’m giving it to the guy with the streak.
Spilled Bag of Ice: Guida – Because he’s Guida. *BURP*
Light Heavyweight – Anthony “Rumble” Johnson vs Antonio Rogerio “Minotouro” Nogueira
Jessica: How is little Nog (Technically medium Nog because of the existence of Pequeno Nogueira) still in this fight? Shouldn’t he have a catastrophic injury by now? Anyway, Johnson’s got some shine on him after beating up Phil Davis, and I think that’s kind of enough to beat broken-down old Nog at this point. Johnson wins by third round TKO.
Danny: I suppose this is the part where I talk about how Little Nog is a legend and you should never count him out. Well… politeness belongs at a black tie dinner, not the Octagon. Nogueira did beat Rashad Evans his last time out, but he relied on his reach advantage to accomplish that. Johnson won’t let Nog dictate the range, he’ll push right through and bring the pain. Rumble bruises his way to a first round knockout.
Vince: I was trying to remember the last time I was impressed by Lil Nog, and I think it was 2009, against Luiz Cane. I don’t see him beating a well-rounded ass kicker like Rumble. Also, if this is half as boring as Lil Nog – Rashad Evans, I will be fast-forwarding through it.
Burnsy: This should be a lot of fun. Rumble all the way.
Spilled Bag of Ice: Rumble Johnson – Because when he’s not trying to eat like a model apparently he’s a bad mother shutyomouth! And Lil Nog hasn’t fought since Nick Diaz was calling GSP pampered the fuck up on out of control conference calls.
Welterweight – “Ruthless” Robbie Lawler vs Matt “The Immortal” Brown
Jessica: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! This fight is so hard to pick a winner, other than VIOLENCE. Both guys are awesome at punching faces to death and not giving a single f*ck about getting punched back. Lawler’s fought better dudes, but Brown has been on a murder streak that usually results in three consecutive death penalties. If Lawler’s smart, he goes straight for body shot to destroy Brown’s already wrecked liver. On the flip side, that seems to just piss off Matt Brown, so all it will probably get Robbie is dip spat in his eye and a Muay Thai combination to his brain. Brown wins by fourth round TKO in the best f*cking fight any of us have seen in years.
Danny: Next to a Tarantino movie, Brown/Lawler will be the most violent thing the public at large can watch without having to worry about Nicolas Cage knocking on your front door. Brown does have the tendency to rely on his chin as his primary form of defense, but I think it will hold up. Lawler has incredible KO power, but he does tend to coast in the middle of fights. Brown only knows one speed and he’ll overwhelm Lawler to take the unanimous decision.
Vince: I have loved nothing so much as Matt Brown’s improbably run into title contention, not even Robbie Lawler’s improbable run into title contention. I really, really want Matt Brown to win, because I love that dead-eyed f*cker. But he’s beaten a lot of young punks who have a ton of technical skill but aren’t as tough as he is. I just don’t see that being the case with Robbie Lawler. He ‘s too fast, he hits too hard, and Brown isn’t known for his defense. I’ll be rooting for Matt Brown, but my money’s on Lawler.
Burnsy: I hate this, but I think Lawler takes the win to get back into a title shot. I’d rather Brown keep TKOing his way into an eventual match with Johny Hendricks, but I just don’t think he’ll do it.
Spilled Bag of Ice: Lawler vs Brown. This may be one of those oft talked about but less so realized “impossible to be boring” fights. I dunno… Is Brown the underdog? I think Brown maybe the slightly meaner of these too vicious dogs. Brown by bloody split decision.