The Usain Bolt documentary The Fastest is set to be released in 2012, but thanks to a clip posted on Runnerspace.com we’ve already learned three important things:
1. Usain Bolt has the most fun looking training regimen of all time and it isn’t much different from mine, except that mine involves floaties.
2. Usain Bolt’s coach is hilarious, and gets funnier and funnier the longer you listen to him talk.
3. “Runnerspace.com” makes me want to shrink a bunch of marathon guys and have them pilot a spaceship into my body.
… but numbers one and two are the most important. Listening to the guy go OH MY GAD IT’S USAIN BOLT CAN YOU SAY MORE KETCHUP, HE IS SO FAST, OH CHRIST is the best, and I’ve gone back and watched it a couple of times, both to laugh and to commit his commentary to memory, should I need motivation the next time I’m marathonning it at the bottom of my swimming pool. The longer he goes, the closer he gets to being Jessie Eisenberg in Adventureland calling the amusement park horse race. And Usain Bolt’s out of the gate, taking an early lead! But look out! Here comes Green, issuing a challenge from the outside lane. Green runs well on a muddy track, folks, so today’s conditions give him a slight edge.
If this documentary turns out to be an hour and a half of Bolt doing handstands in a pool and two minutes of him murdering white people at running, I’ll buy a ticket. I’d like to think his speed has nothing to do with training, and he could just sit and play Madden all year and still destroy my entire country at his sport. This video proves that even when he’s underwater he’s faster than me, but then again I’ve always been a mustard kind of guy.