Remind me again – what happens when the world’s fastest man loses a race? Is he taken out back and shot? Is he sent out to the farm to stud for the rest of his short life? Is he forced to date Evelyn Lozada for six months until she accuses him of something awful for the sake of advancing her own career? Either way, someone needs to figure out the next step for Usain Bolt, because after today’s loss at the Rome Diamond League 100m, he’s as washed up as they come.
Now some people might argue that this race doesn’t mean a thing and it was purely an exhibition, which is why a guy like Bolt, coming off of a hamstring injury, might not care about giving it 100 percent while being content with letting Justin Gatlin win to make their rivalry seem bigger when the 2016 Summer Olympics roll around. But I think this loss is just the sign of a guy passing his prime. I mean, 9.95? Please, I can do that in my sleep*.
So let’s go ahead and get E! or Bravo on the phone and start planning Bolt’s eventual reality series. We can call it Bolting for Love, and it will feature Bolt literally sprinting from city to city to find the woman of his dreams. And he can either choose the girl that he actually falls in love with and stop “Bolting” or he has to eventually stay in the city in which he blows out his hammy and settle for a woman there. For comedic effect, his best friend would be Harry Styles, and at the end of each episode, Bolt would throw one of his running shoes at his nuts.
I may or may not have already thought about this idea before today.
*I am told that the only things I can actually do in my sleep are snore, drool, fart and sometimes mutter incoherent statements. But boy do I do it fast!