NBA – If you wanted a tightly contested, hard-fought game last night, all you had to do was sit through 52 minutes of lop-sided gameplay and poor officiating. The Lakers went on a 31-9 run after being down 24 points with 7:40 remaining in the 4th quarter to cut the Celtics' lead to 2 with about a minute remaining. Paul Pierce then knocked down some free throws and blocked a Sasha Vujacic 3-pointer to complete the tease and ward off the comeback. Aye, the blue balls. Way to save all the efforts for when games are out of hand, Lakers. Or should I call you… PITTSBURGH PENGUINS! (Cue Dramatic Chipmunk music) That strategy did wonders for them in the Stanley Cup Finals, you know. Boston's Lesser-Known Agent Zero, Leon Powe, had 21 points on 6-of-7 shooting and more free throw attempts than the entire Lakers team. Fake-injured Paul Pierce put in 28 to lead a team that shot 53 percent on a porous Laker defense. It should all prove to be quite the koan for Phil Jackson heading into Game 3 in L.A., which should see the biased officiating shockingly take a turn in their favor. Call it a hunch.
MLB – The Padres, clad in their retarded camo alternate unis, complete a four-game sweep of the Mets thanks to a 3-run homer by Tony Clark off Billy Wagner. How can you pitch to a guy you can't see?…Joe Crede follows up back-to-back two-homer games with, what? Two more hits and two RBIs in the White Sox 12-2 win over the Twins? But no homers? Guess you can count yourself off the highlight tape… The Rays have turned their focused ball of hate on themselves, with a dugout spat punctuating a 6-3 loss to the Rangers. Having to share headlines with the Red Sox will do that to you.
French Open – Rafael Nadal is tough to beat on clay, now having won his fourth straight French Open, matching Bjorn Borg and every military force ever for success on French soil. Meanwhile, Ana Ivanovic is easy to beat. Off to, that is! (Swish!) She won her first Grand Slam title Saturday. Winning looks good on you, Ana. As does this pearl necklace. You'll like it. It's organic and shit.