It’s me again with another installment of Vintage Best and Worst. I don’t have much to say besides I hope you’ve been enjoying so far. I’ve been taking all the suggestions into consideration to make this as enjoyable as possible for everyone and I’m still working on bigger and better recaps. Remember, Bray Wyatt was once Husky Harris. So just know you have great things to look forward to for a few months before I ruin it by having a possessed kid write these for me.
Next week, we have three options:
1. I can continue in order with the next WWF PPV – In Your House: International Incident
2. I can go back and do WCW Uncensored 1995 because it sucked so much.
3. I can pick one of your suggestions at random as long as you follow me on Twitter and share this article.
Deal? Deal. *Mega Powers handshake*
Now, on to the Recap!
Fashion Break: Look At Dusty!
The best part of Hog Wild is watching wrestlers in their street clothes. Because you have to understand that most wrestlers look like cot damn fools whenever they’re left to pick their own clothes. However, a combination of them not giving a damn because they spend all their time in their underwear and the fact no one will walk up to Big E and say “nice silk shirt, goober” means they get to wear whatever they want. Add in the fact they’re dressed in super cool macho gear and you get Dusty Rhodes in a f*cking two-color denim short set and cowboy boots. Look at him. Hard times.
Best: Of Course This Is A Best
Yes, yes and yes.
I think this is the match WWE had in mind when they had that crazy boner for a Sin Cara vs. Rey match. This is the match I have in mind when I want to go to a happy place.
Sports (I’m lumping wrestling in here for argument’s sake) has a way of making the past semi-obsolete. Like, I can appreciate Jerry West as a basketball player for his time, but he’s probably think someone invented the Super Soldier Serum if he were on the court with Lebron James. That’s why watching Rey and Dragon here is amazing. These moves hold up damn near 20 years later.
Put this match in 2014 and the crowd still loses its sh*t.
Fashion Break: LOOK AT MEAN GENE, TOO
Ol’ Boner Joke Gene is popping mollies and taking names!
Worst: This Is The Worst Hoss Fight Of All Time
I’m a sucker for hoss fights. If I ever go back to 1994 and do a few recaps, I’ll write a thousand words about how Big Bossman vs. Bam Bam Bigelow was the bee’s kneecaps. So it’s pretty hard to make me hate a big powerhouse fight.
I hate this powerhouse fight.
First of all, Ice Train sounds like a name the writers would give the main suspect on the annual SVU urban episode, but that’s neither here nor there. Second, Scott Norton has one of the worst WCW Revenge-to-real-life-skill ratios of all time. Thirdliest, they’re working an injury angle. Hoss fights don’t need injury angles. They don’t need psychology. They need tilt-a-whirls and back breakers until someone’s spine falls out of his ears. Also, I don’t understand how Scott Norton is built. He’s built like Ed McGuinness draws fat people.
Best: Backstage Beat Down And Flair’s Revenge
The NWO angle was a lot of really crappy moments that don’t seem as crappy because we remember all the really awesome moments in between. One of those great moments was the parking lot incident where the NWO beat up a bunch of guys with baseball bats, then murder launched Rey Misterio into a production truck.
The best part about that angle at the time was the fact it organically worked Flair into the conflict and made me say:
The NWO could have feuded with the Four Horsemen for a solid year and it could have been great. But the “Flair must suck at all times” rule is omnipresent and I know what happens next. Still, it’s cool to live in this moment where I can imagine that Flair is going to go all Oldboy and revenge murder everyone in the name of Arn Anderson. Let’s all live in this moment together.
Also, Flair talking about Arn never stops warming my heart.
Best: Bull Nakano Hair Swings
I’m always here for Bull Nakano swinging the sh*t out of women by their hair. It just looks like death every time.
Worst: Botched endings or
Best: This Ending Is Hilarious
I’m not quite sure what happened at the end of this match. The ref was maybe not supposed to count to three and the match maybe wasn’t supposed to end. So the ref counts to three and everyone stops for 30 seconds. Like, literally, everyone. Then Sonny Ono (too soon, WCW) just hightails it to the post-match angle. Just the sight of him darting across the screen and YOLOing it tickles the hell out of me. Then everyone in the ring sort of shrugs and goes about the post-match motorcycle breaking. Plus, since it wasn’t until then that the bell rang, we have a match that ends in DQ due to excessive motorcycle damaging.
Fashion Break: Steiner Shades!
Scott Steiner’s shades can’t fall off…so he has the old lady glasses string. I love it.
Worst: who thought sturgis was a good idea? and Why Are You Making Me Worst A Benoit/Malenko Match?
WCW booked this pay-per-view perfectly for the crowd of idiots present who didn’t give a sh*t about wrestling. They had some flippy guys, some big muscular guys and chicks wrestling. So even if nobody there cared about Boston crabs, they could still enjoy the spectacles.
Then, a wrestling match happened and these mouth breathing neanderthals didn’t know how to act. To them, Benoit vs. Malenko was boring as hell. So boring that when the first fall ended in a draw, the crowd booed that they were getting five more minutes. Read that again: the crowd BOOED five more minutes of Benoit/Malenko. F*ck these morons.
The problem is I think Benoit and Malenko sort of got rattled by the lack of reaction abad the overtimes seemed to devolve into big moves to get people back into it instead of following with the story.
Still, if you watch this match on mute, it’s pretty incredible. Of course it is. It’s Benoit/Malenko.
Worst: Rules Are Dumb
The match went like this: regular time limit, then five more timed minutes then another overtime. At one point, Schiavone says they’ll have to go to “sudden death” next. However, “sudden death” rules are “the first person to score wins,” so technically the whole match and every match that ever happened ever was a sudden death match. So if you’re going to keep adding time to the match under “sudden death” rules, then just makes the rules “wrestle forever until one person scores a fall.” Your rules make zero senses.
Worst: F*ck This. Seriously.
Brandon sometimes interjects commentary about how misogynist and horrible wrestling can be when it comes to treating women because he’s totally gay or something. Right bros? And inevitably someone will comment that he’s taking it too seriously or he should get over it or something.
Well, I’m about to get serious, too, for a minute. So if you think I’m taking things too seriously or bringing your day down, you can skip all of this.
Still here? Good. F*ck this racist f*cking crowd with all my heart.
The Sturgis crowd had been pretty dead for the last 45 minutes and it’s clear they didn’t know who to cheer or who to boo throughout the night. Then Harlem Heat came out and everyone lost their sh*t. Harlem Heat got the most heat of the night and it’s only because they were two black guys in the ring. Sure, Ice Train came to the ring earlier but he was bandaged and clearly the babyface.
But Harlem Heat got a nuclear reaction from the 99.9 percent crowd because they were two Black guys. The crowd is yelling, incensed, holding up Confederate flags and yelling at Booker and Stevie more than they yelled at anyone the entire night.
Basically, the whole match devolved into a glorified Klan rally. Now would be a perfect time to talk about the stereotypes of Black wrestlers through the years and how it perpetuates racism in the same way some portrayals of women contribute to sexism. But I’m not convinced this crowd has watched enough wrestling to have been programmed that any Black character not shucking and/or jiving is a heel. No, these f*cks are just racist all on their own.
Watching this back makes me have a newfound respect for Booker T and Stevie Ray as they didn’t get rattled and used the crowd reaction to get even more heat by playing into the chants and cat calls. Still, this is horrible to watch and I can’t even think of all the things the crowd yelled at Harlem Heat.
Meanwhile Shiavone and Dusty are all, “this is what it’s all about! Crowd is getting into it! Woohoo” as if they’re totally oblivious to WHY the crowd is revving its engines and little kids are flipping the bird.
I know a few people will say I’m overreacting and this is all my imagination. Right. I swear I’m not going to debate this fact no matter what your Devil’s advocacy says: the crowd booed and hated Harlem Heat because they were Black. That’s racist. And that sucks.
Urban legend has it that a young Bulgarian was in the crowd, got indoctrinated into the racist culture of Sturgis and vowed to go on to wrestle and camel clutch every Black guy he saw ever. JOKEZ!Subscribe to UPROXX