This has been a pretty tough summer for a lot of NBA players, as the only income most of the mid-level and rookie contract guys have received came from their final paychecks from last season. While the game’s elite players haven’t skipped a beat in their baller, swagged out lives, there are guys that are really just struggling to make ends meet. Perhaps no NBA player has embodied this idea more than eventual free agent guard Delonte West.
Initially, West, like many other players, explored the possibility of playing overseas during the lockout. In fact, West seemed like the poster child for players that needed to grab a few paychecks from a European league to keep his lifestyle intact. Alas, this country’s unfair legal system told him that he could not leave because of his probation stemming from his 2009 arrest for possession of firearms. It’s truly hard out there for a pimp.
So West resorted to the next most logical step for a NBA player looking for extra income – a rap career. Billed as Charlee Redz, West dropped his debut single, “Livin’ Life Fast” to vast indifference. Some people would say that he was like the Wilco of rap, but those people would soon be slapped.
What was left for the man whose career has been defined by allegations that he slept with LeBron James’ mom? A blue collar and a shovel to scrape his pride up off the ground. West Tweeted that he was turning his attention to Home Depot and Sam’s Club as potential places of employment. Whether or not he actually applied to those stores is still a mystery, but we know that he never worked at either. The bottom had been reached, and it was rocky.
On Wednesday morning, though, the clouds over Maryland cleared and West received a phone call. Regency Furniture Showrooms was on the other end, and they had a job offer.
Life suddenly had meaning for Delonte again. And, you know, we like to think his first day went a little something like this…
INT. – Delonte’s bedroom.
Delonte West is preparing for his first day at his new job, as he cleans his bedroom after eating a hearty breakfast. His girlfriend, with whom he goes steady, is in the shower.
Delonte: “Yo G-Boo, I’m gonna be late for my first day. Make sure to lock the door behind you and don’t wake my moms. I am super excited for today. I’m going to make all sorts of new friends and have so many crazy adventures. Better be on my way!”
Delonte: “VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! RATTA TAT TAT TAT! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! All right, I’m here with time to spare. I’m the best new employee ever!”
INT. – Regency Furniture Showroom, Downtown Baltimore
Delonte is greeted by the store’s manager and his new boss, Mr. Jergensen.
Mr. Jergensen: “Hello, Delonte, we are very excited about having you join our staff. We’re all big basketball fans and think that your celebrity status can really add something to our store’s character and prominence here in Baltimore.”
Delonte: “Mr. Jergensen, while I am saddened that you are not Doc Rivers, I am also happy to have me here. However, I must tell you now, that I am a serious artist and do not wish to use my status as a basketball superstar to gain any favor here. I want to work my way up from the bottom and earn the $3.6 million that I will make this year.”
Mr. Jergensen: “Um, Delonte, we’re not paying you $3.6 million to work here. You’re going to make $9 an hour to start through your 90-day probationary period.”
Delonte: “Yo, Dr. J, my probation is way longer than 90 days.”
Mr. Jergensen: “Actually, Delonte, I meant to ask you about that. Obviously we hired you so we could get the free PR, but what exactly were you arrested for?”
Delonte: “Solid Q, son. As I wrote on my application, it was all a misunderstanding.”
Delonte: “You see, I was riding around town on my motorcycle, armed with three guns and the police pulled me over. ”
Mr. Jergensen: “So what was the misunderstanding?”
Delonte: “They wasn’t supposed to pull me over! Haha, give me 5, Dr. J!”
Mr. Jergensen: “Regardless, we need you here and we believe in you. So we’re going to have you start out in a position that can really benefit the both of us by having your face out there.”
Delonte: “Yo people in cars, buy some couches from Delonte! Check it out, Charlee Redz will do a rap for y’all! Check it, check it, unnnnnnh, my name is Charlee Redz, you should buy some bedz, now reach into yo money pouches and come by yo fine ass some couches. Haha, BET Award for real.”
Later that day…
Delonte: “Yo Dr. J, so I’m like guessing that you sold mad couches cuz of me, right?
Mr. Jergensen: “Actually, Delonte, we’ve had multiple complaints about your rapping. Please, just twirl the sign, smile and wave. And if anyone asks, you’re Ray Allen.”
Gloria James enters the showroom, looking for Delonte.
Gloria: “Delonte, sugar, you forgot your lunchbox at home. I need you healthy so you can handle all my freak nasty.”
Delonte: “Damn girl, why you gotta embarrass me at my new job, yo? I’m a grown man and I gotta provide for my boo.”
Gloria: “I told you, you don’t have to work here, I have enough money for the both of us until the lockout ends.
Gloria: “I told you. Now let’s get you outta this store and to a dermatologist.”
Delonte: “Yo, Dr. J, I’m outs.”