While today may be singer and actor Marc Anthony’s 43rd birthday, you can bet your salsa-loving butts that this week has been a non-stop fiesta of epic proportions. In fact, the real birthday fun actually took place Monday night in Miami, as Anthony invited some of his biggest celebrity friends to join him in the owner’s box as the Dolphins hosted the New England Patriots to open their NFL season.
Anthony is one of a handful of celebrities who enjoy a minority ownership of the Dolphins, including singer Fergie, Serena and Venus Williams, Gloria Estefan, Jimmy Buffett, and Jennifer Lopez, who was happily married to Anthony until the couple recently filed for divorce. While it’s not exactly the terrible saga of Frank and Jamie McCourt, you have to at least appreciate that even a divorce involving 1% owners can be incredibly awkward.
Thankfully, Anthony has some truly wonderful friends to help him through these hard times. As we saw on Monday night, Will Smith – the most popular actor in the world – stood by his good friend’s side and threw him one heck of a birthday week kickoff party as the Dolphins were curb stomped before their eyes. But this went far beyond a football game. Smith, Sean Kingston, Pitbull, Dwyane Wade, Fergie, and her drunk husband Josh Duhamel were all on hand to make sure Anthony got jiggy with it.
And you know, I like to think it went a little like this…
EXT. – Night at
Joe Robbie Pro Player Dolphins Sun Life Stadium
Marc Anthony greets actor Taylor Lautner as Fergie prepares to sing the National Anthem.
Marc: “Taylor, mi amigo. Have you ever considered the power that one man can have when he possesses one percent ownership in a NFL franchise?”
Taylor: *lifts shirt, points to abs*
Marc: “More power than that, cabron. You should join us, Taylor. Become one of the many powerful celebrities that forms the Benetton Voltron that is the Miami Dolphins ownership.”
Taylor: “Abduction hits theaters on September 23.” *lifts shirt, points to abs*
Marc: “Truly, you are the shining estrella of your generation, Taylor. You have my proposal. Join us. But first, we listen to Fergie sing like an American eagle mounting an angel.”
Fergie: (singing) “OH-OHHHHHHH FLAY HARBA DO DEE, FABBA SPLEEE HARBA DAY LIGHT NIGHT…”
Marc: “You were born to spread love, Fergilicious. Majestic.”
Fergie: (singing) “Every roooooose has it’s thoooooorn… no wait, AND THE SPROCKETS FED HAIR TO THE BOMBS FARPLE SNABBY DEEEEEEE!”
INT. – Miami Owner’s Box.
Marc Anthony enters the owner’s box to the cheers of his celebrity friends.
Will Smith: “WELCOME TO TURF!”
Marc: “Amigos, thank you for this wonderful display of friendship. You are all helping me through a very hard time in my life. For once, my armpits are moist with joy. Today I am the God of these people!”
Marc: “Quickly, everyone gather for a picture so I can post this to my new ElMatch.com profile and show people that I have many famous friends. I will put on a Miami Dolphins hat to show that I am an owner invested both financially and emotionally. Sean Kingston, get in this photo so I can tag you as the black Michelin Man.”
Pitbull: “What about me? Does anyone give a crap who I am?”
Marc: “You are 3-feet tall and sound like you breathe Newports. But we love you.”
Will: “Marc, by the power of Lord Xenu, I hope that you and your thetans are flourishing on your birthday.”
Marc: “Gracias, Will. That means very much to me, after the week that we have been through. I appreciate you allowing me to sleep with your wife, Jada, in my time of need. The next time I marry, I will also allow you to sleep with my wife. You are truly an amigo.”
Alas, all was not well on Monday night. Across the country, Marc’s ex-wife, Jennifer Lopez, was also spending time with a friend. She was spending an evening with actor Bradley Cooper.
INT. – A Fashion Show
Jennifer: “BRADLEEEEEE, I want to tell you how much I, Jennifer Lopez, am enjoying this time together. I wish to spend more time with you in front of cameras and people.”
Bradley: “You said something about discussing a film project…”
Jennifer: “Haha, BRADLEEEEE, you are so funny. I, Jennifer Lopez, would love to work with you both professionally and personally. Now please say something so I can nod and smile as if I am genuinely interested in your white boy ways.”
Bradley: “I’m sorry, I thought this was a business meeting. I have to go.”
Jennifer: “I WILL KILL YOU, GRINGO!”
Jennifer blows Bradley’s skull to pieces and takes out her cell phone. She makes a call.
Jennifer: “Hello, Serena?”
Serena Williams: “Who is this?”
Jennifer: “It is I, your famous friend from meager beginnings, Jennifer Lopez. I need your help.”
Serena: “I will do anything for you, my friend. You are beautiful on the inside and out and I am always helping people with kindness and joy.”
Jennifer: “I need you to make sure that Marc and his friends are not having fun.”
Serena: “Then it shall be done.”
INT. – Dolphins Owner’s Box
The Dolphins are losing by two touchdowns but Marc hasn’t watched any of the game, as he can’t even name a Miami player.
Marc: “Will and Fergie, my friends! Let us be photographed together with the hopes that the tabloids might say the three of us just had a threeway in front of Chad Henne’s locker, which we did.”
Suddenly, there is a great disturbance outside. A loud, primeval screech is heard throughout the stadium.
Marc: “Caramba! It is my ex-wife’s guardian and our fellow celebrity owner, Serena. Surely, we cannot withstand her awesome power.”
Serena: “YOU ARE ALL VERY UGLY PEOPLE ON THE INSIDE! DO NOT EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME! IF I SEE YOU IN A HALLWAY I WILL INCINERATE YOU!”
Marc: “We are doomed, amigos. My birthday has been a disappointment.”
A giant space eagle swoops in and attacks Serena. It is flown by Tom Cruise.
Tom: “IN L. RON’S NAME, I BANISH YOU BACK TO THE DEEP VOID!”
Serena: “NOOOOOOOOOO! I’VE NEVER ACTED LIKE THIS BEFOOOOOOOOORE!!!”
As Serena is swallowed by the giant space void, Marc meets Tom on the field.
Marc: “Tom, you have saved me and the people of Miami, but most importantly me. However can I repay you?”
Tom: “Scientology asks no reward. We only ask that you join us and give us 50% of your career earnings.”
Marc: “Will you take the Dolphins instead?”
Tom: (laughing) “We may be batsh*t crazy, but we’re not stupid.”