With the NFL season more or less halfway over, it’s time for the 2nd edition of UPROXX Sports NFL power rankings. These rankings are highly scientific using complex math formulas and are definitely not based on overall record with tiebreakers settled alphabetically by city name, so let’s see where your favorite team stacks up after Week 8.
- Arizona Cardinals (6-1) – I think the “Larry Fitzgerald isn’t a #1 WR option” narrative can quiet down for another week. But is it too early to say “yeah but Michael Floyd isn’t a #1“? Hey I’m just asking. I love a narrative no matter how silly it is. Yay narratives!!!
- Denver Broncos (6-1) – In 4 of 7 starts so far this year, Peyton Manning has thrown exactly 3 touchdown passes with 0 interceptions, and in a 5th game, he went for 4 and 0. Sometimes I try to imagine myself being that good at anything. What would that feel like? I bet I’d still be lazy about it and waste it somehow.
- Dallas Cowboys (6-2) – The Cowboys drop one spot in this week’s rankings after a home loss on MNF to the Generic Team Names. Thankfully their city comes out ahead of Detroit alphabetically so the fall isn’t too far.
- Detroit Lions (6-2) – The Lions scored 22 unanswered in the 2nd half to beat the Falcons 22-21 in London on Sunday and Golden Tate may just be the best free agent signing of the year. It’s just too bad Jim Schwartz isn’t still around to screw this up, because I feel like he could really make that happen and it would be spectacular.
- New England Patriots (6-2) – The Bears threw every defensive scheme they could think of at the Patriots on Sunday to defend against Rob Gronkowski. He finished with 9 receptions for 149 yards and 3 scores before leaving in the 3rd quarter due to dehydration. I’m pretty sure that’s code for “I got tired of scoring so many touchdowns.”
- Philadelphia Eagles (5-2) – The Eagles came out of their bye with a loss in Arizona. People always say that teams have an advantage coming out of the bye, but I wonder if that’s even true. Are there studies on this? It seems like it should be true since coaches have an extra week of preparation and players can rest up a bit. But then again, if I was a multimillionaire football player who had a few days off in the middle of the season, I’m confident I’d spend it on a beach drinking margaritas.
- Baltimore Ravens (5-3) – I realize 2 of their 3 losses have come against Cincy, but I still like the Ravens as the 2nd best team coming out of the AFC after Denver. 4 of their 5 wins have been blowouts and they’ve yet to crap the bed with any ugly losses. But if you’re still not convinced, don’t take my word for it. See what this random Ravens fan from Baltimore has to say. “I disagree with that assessment. I think they’re actually better than Denver. Ravens are #1, baby!!! Super Bowl all the way!!!” Hmm, I hadn’t considered that.
- Buffalo Bills (5-3) – The Bills are on a 2 game winning streak and have won 3 of 4 since Kyle Orton took over for EJ Manuel at quarterback. In addition, I heard that Doug Marrone just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance.
- Green Bay Packers (5-3) – Congratulations to Aaron Rodgers for giving his girlfriend Olivia Munn a promise ring. I wonder if the promise is that she can’t tell anyone that they don’t have sex.
- Indianapolis Colts (5-3) – How does a team go from shutting out the Bengals one week to giving up 51 to the Steelers the following week? Well it was simple, really. All they had to do was not give up any points to Cincinnati, then give up 51 in Pittsburgh. Seems pretty obvious actually and maybe a silly question.
- Pittsburgh Steelers (5-3) – “This is ridiculous,” said a Steelers fan. “They blow out the Colts and have the exact same record but are still ranked lower in the Power Rankings?” Hey I don’t argue with complex formulas and theorems. I just let the math speak for itself.
- San Diego Chargers (5-3) – The Chargers cut CB Richard Marshall after back to back poor performances against the Chiefs and Broncos. As a replacement, the team signed CB Richard Crawford. I give the television crew covering the Chargers next game a 20% chance of not calling Crawford by the wrong name all day.
- Cincinnati Bengals (4-2-1) – I really hate that W-L record. I’d almost rather be 4-3 than 4-2-1. Can we do something about ties? I know hockey purists hate the shootout, but I’m sure we can think of something for football. How about something that doesn’t even have anything to do with the game? For instance, if a game ends in a tie, the tiebreaker goes to whichever team charges less for beer.
- Cleveland Browns (4-3) – Joe Thomas is once again the top rated Left Tackle in the NFL according to Pro Football Focus. The Browns don’t do anything particularly exciting, but they’re in the hunt halfway through the season and they have the best tackle in football. A lot of teams would gladly start there.
- Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) – The Chiefs got themselves back in the playoff hunt with back to back impressive wins following their bye. Alex Smith may have a shoulder injury, but they play the Jets on Sunday so it’ll give him a chance to rest up a bit.
- Miami Dolphins (4-3) – NFL coaches love to say there’s no such thing as an ugly win in football, but after watching a bit of the Dolphins/Jags game on Sunday, I have to impolitely disagree you moron NFL coaches who say stupid sh*t all the time.
- San Francisco 49ers (4-3) – Both Glenn Dorsey and Marcus Lattimore are scheduled to return to practice this week and their strength of schedule takes a bit of a dip coming off their bye. Also, I’m sure other things happened that were also good, so things could be looking up for the 49ers.
- Seattle Seahawks (4-3) – Nothing to see here, nothing to see here. Well unless you count racial comments about the quarterback and trade rumors about the star running back. But considering both of those topics are completely irrational and silly, there truly is nothing to see here. Quick prediction: The Seahawks finish 12-4 and win the NFC again.
- Houston Texans (4-4) – I wonder if JJ Watt would still get a sack or two if he played the entire game by himself. You know, kinda like Bugs Bunny when he played baseball. “Defensive End JJ Watt, Defensive Tackle JJ Watt, Linebacker JJ Watt, Cornerback JJ Watt, Safety JJ Watt.”
- New Orleans Saints (3-4) – Raise your hand if you predicted the Saints would blow out the Packers by 21 on Sunday. Put your hands down, you lying liars. Where were you on Thursday when you let me hand in my confidence pool giving Green Bay a 9?
- New York Giants (3-4) – New York had a Week 8 bye following back to back road losses to the Cowboys and Eagles. They come home for the Colts in Week 9, then travel to Seattle for a road game against the Seahawks. Then in Weeks 11 and 12, they’re back home for the 49ers and Cowboys again. You’re okay with me just recapping their schedule, right? Thanks. They finish out the season with games against the Titans, Redskins, Jaguars, Eagles, and Rams in no particular order. That is certainly a schedule that exists, am I right?
- Carolina Panthers (3-4-1) – The Panthers are in 1st place in the NFC South despite only having 3 wins with a minus 41 point differential. That seems fair.
- Chicago Bears (3-5) – The Bears are coming off a week in which they allowed 51 points in a blowout loss to the Patriots and in the process got season-ending injuries to a starting DE who tore his ACL celebrating a sack and a starting OG who tore one of his pectoral muscles. But it’s not all bad news for Bears fans. Temperatures reached the 70’s in Chicago on Monday. People were outside without jackets and convertible tops were down. It was really nice.
- Minnesota Vikings (3-5) – The Vikings 3 wins are against the Rams, Falcons, and Bucs in overtime. As Abraham Lincoln famously said, “those 3 wins are mostly bullsh*t, don’t you think Mary Todd?”
- Washington Generic Team Name (3-5) – Colt McCoy returned to his home state and led his team to a much-needed win on the road against the Cowboys on Monday. As a reward, he gets a probable return to the bench to watch RGIII run around the field like a headless chicken.
- St. Louis Rams (2-5) – The Rams do not play a winnable game until November 30th at home against Oakland, at which point they’ll be 2-9. Unless of course they win one of these unwinnable games coming up because teams win that shouldn’t win all the time and the NFL makes no sense. For instance, just last week the Rams beat Seattle. I wonder what it feels like to gamble on the NFL. I would imagine it’s horrible.
- Atlanta Falcons (2-6) – The owner of the Falcons is disappointed and frustrated in how his team has performed so far this season. What’s his name again? Sorry I’m drawing a Blank. I won’t apologize for that.
- Tennessee Titans (2-6) – I don’t think I could come up with anything interesting to say about the Titans if I was a member of the Titans. If any of their skill players are prominently featured on your fantasy team, your team sucks. I saw Zach Mettenberger in a waiver claim on Friday and I promise you I had to look up what team he played for. The kid from LSU? He’s in the league? Oh good for him.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-6) – After the Bucs overtime loss on Sunday that ended on a fumble return for a TD for Minnesota, Tampa coach Lovie Smith said “after the disappointment you still analyze where we are, and looking at our division we’re still in it.” No for real, he really said that. And in a way he’s right. That division is hot garbage.
- Jacksonville Jaguars (1-7) – The good news is that they may have found a running back in Denard Robinson who now has back to back 100 yard rushing games, and the Blake Bortles to Allen Robinson combo looks like it could really be something down the road. The bad news is practically everything else.
- New York Jets (1-7) – Michael Vick will get the start in Week 9 in place of Geno Smith. In case you’re thinking about picking him up in fantasy football, I’d like to add a bit of perspective. That one good year he had with the Eagles was 4 years ago, which means the same amount of time has passed between then and now as there was between that season and his last with the Falcons prior to going to prison. I’m not saying I’m skeptical, but I will say there’s no friggin’ way this ends well and yes I’m skeptical that’s exactly what I’m saying.
- Oakland Raiders (0-7) – The Raiders next 4 games are at Seattle, home against Denver, at San Diego, and home against Kansas City. What are the chances they’ll be 0-11 after that? Is it 100%, or simply 99%? I for one am intrigued by how this turns out and I’m not just saying that.
Until next time…
