Ed. note – Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s read-through of Tank Abbott’s Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel continues. It still features a dog named after Hitler. I can’t stress that enough.
Today: Chapters 8-10. Not-Tank finally watches not-UFC 1! Enjoy.
Chapter Eight – Lucky in War:
Walter wakes up hungover and wondering why Tim’s truck is parked in his yard and why Tim’s passed out on his couch (Good thing Walt was deemed cool to drive home last night!). Walt takes it easy, and as he showers, Tim gets up and leaves. He heads out for a burger, comes back home to read some more Russian history, and then it’s off to Sea Lion Beach Liquor to pick up more beer.
Walt gets back home, drinks more beer, then wrestles with Adolf for a while. The dog’s no match for Walt, though, and after a brief tussle, Foxx beats hound. Walt starts channel surfing and sees “what looks like King Kong Bundy getting down.” That reminds him that the totally fake No-Holds-Barred Fighting Championship is on tonight. He struggles with the remote for a second, but finally gets the event on screen. Walt jostles with Adolf for ownership of the couch when he gets a knock at the door. It’s the Pater Familias, Walt’s Dad! The elder (Or perhaps silver) Foxx joins Walt on the couch to watch the spectacle.
On commentary are “an old pro football star” (Not-Jim Brown) and “a former martial arts kickboxer” (Not-Bill “Superfoot” Wallace). The two Foxxes (Foxxen?) wonder if the fights are real when a Samoan (Not –Teila Tuli) enters the “pentagon-shaped cage” (That has to look ridiculous), but it’s a short fight, as he and his teeth get knocked out by a “pasty-white French guy in karate pants and no shirt” (Not-terrible shitlord Gerard Gordeau) With teeth flying out of mouths and the cage itself, both Foxxen determine NHBFC has to be the real deal. They watch the rest of the tournament and a skinny Mexican guy in pajamas wins the whole thing (Not-Royce Gracie). After the fights are over, Walt’s dad leaves, and Walter goes to bed with Adolf right beside him.
Walter wakes up, showers, and then goes six hard rounds on the heavy bag in his garage. Another shower, dinner, and then it’s time to read some more history chapters for class on Monday. Monday starts the routine of school, boxing and lifting weights, work and partying. The days bleed into weeks, into months, and before Walt knows it, it’s gone from October to December. Walter again laments that he’s not cut out for teaching or law school, that he’s just spinning his wheels. The only discernible change is that due to lack of cardio, Walt is supremely fat.
As Walt worries about his future, a “smoking hot chick” walks into the liquor store. Despite only interacting with her for probably ten seconds, Walt determines that there “was just something in her personality that made me want to have a chance with her”. She leaves with some wine coolers (And without Walter’s number), and this is the spark for Walter Foxx to turn his life around. He tries to start slow and run two miles, but gasses out horribly after 200 yards. He forgoes a burger with Tim, stating that he’s going to drop from 300 to 190 pounds.
Despite the plan to lose weight, Walt meets up with Tim later that night to drink beers and then they head to Lucky’s Golden Glove for more beer. Tim and Walt are joined by Walter’s high school buddies, Craig and Smitty, and they all drink and play foosball throughout the night. Walter’s having a good time (Possibly because he hasn’t eaten anything and he’s super-drunk), and two fellow drunkards sit next to him and start asking if he’d like to arm wrestle (Take what you learned from NHBFC and challenge them to Pajama Fight!). Walter says he’s just chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool and all, which makes the guys think Walt is afraid to arm wrestle. The guys keep pushing Walt, who just wants to have fun tonight and warns them not to do anything they’ll regret. But these are security guards, the Badknock boys, and they won’t regret things, Walt will do all the regretting! Walt declines another invitation to arm wrestle, but say they can do full wrestling if the Badknock boy is up for it (And is he ever! Watch out, Walt, he did wrestles in junior high!)
Walter and the Badknock boy head outside and square up. Walt rushes in for a body clinch, and just barely avoids a “sucker punch” left hook. Walt gets a body lock on the guy and tries for a trip takedown, but ends up dislocating the guy’s knee and slamming his head into the asphalt (I’m assuming similar to this) . Walt gets off the dude and backs away, letting the Badknock boy back to all fours. Walter rushes in and boots the guy in the face, knocking him out (He learned something from the No-Holds-Barred Fighting Championships, namely that soccer kicks are the best!) The night ends with Walt making a mad dash for his car and wondering if the cops are after him.
• Did Walter fight? Yes.
• Walter’s opponent – Badknock Boy #1, 6’4”, 240 pounds
• Did Walter get hit? No, but just barely!
• Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 1 takedown (Knee dislocation), 1 standing leg strike (KO)
Key lines: “Nobody likes me and nobody cares.”
Probably because you’re an asshole to everyone, Walter.
“We have a pirate box so we get all the channels and pay-per-view broadcasts.”
And Walter’s got a cousin that works at Nintendo and he can totally get a Super Nintendo a year before it even comes out!
“Then I see some fools running around in pajama costumes so I know this has to be another fake pro wrestling show. – Hey, man, don’t disparage the proud tradition of Pajama Fighting!”
“We watch the rest of the fights and a skinny Mexican guy in pajamas named Garcia wins the eight-man tournament.”
See, Walt, Pajama Fighting reigns supreme!
“Lactic acid is like an unwanted guest that shows up at your house late at night that you boot out the door in the morning: it’s always sweet when they leave.”
This has been the Walter Foxx Science Minute, join us next week when Walter explains how magnets work!
“Cheap rags are the dress code for the CEOs of this drunken world.”
And cirrhosis is the pink slip!
“Jump in the boat and make nice and I’ll let you go and won’t club you, or drag out the drama and try to spool me and get whacked and served for dinner.”
Marlin drama filets are my favorite!
“We’re the Badknock boys. We’ll put a bad bump on your ass and a knock on your head.”
How much cooler do you think this sounded in their heads? And what did this replace as their intimidation line?
“I know the dangers of fighting on asphalt all too well, but I’m strangely drawn to it like a bug that’s attracted to a light that has killed hundreds of others right before it.”
Walter is drawn to a lot of self-destructive activities.
“I guess the Badknock boys got their bad asses knocked.”
Oh, snap, Walt just reversed their nickname back on those two! That’s why he’s the best.
Chapter Nine – Wannabe-Me:
It’s January, Walter’s last semester, but school’s pretty uneventful. Walt heads to the rundown boxing gym with duct tape holding everything together and starts working out with Willie, since his actual head trainer, Mack, is always too busy with Tyrell Biggs. Walter impresses Willie with his skills, which is more than can be said of the “hotshot football and basketball players” that come into the gym after every Tyson fight, since half quit during the first week, and nobody sticks around after the first sparring session.
Walter’s roommate, Skip, recommends Walt for a job quoting bids on garage door installations, so now he’s holding down two jobs, dealing with the last four classes left in his college career, and training like a madman. By mid-April, Walter’s down to 210 and slamming people around in the wrestling rooms. Walt gets word that Frito James (I like that name), all 190 sneaky pounds of him, is going around claiming that he manhandled Walter in takedowns. That doesn’t sit well with Walt, so he hits up a wrestling room on a night he knows Frito will be there and challenges him. Walt headbutts Frito during a lock-up, and double legs him into the mat. Walter isn’t done punishing the guy, though, so they square up again. Walt pulls on Frito’s hair, distracting James enough to allow Walt to drive in deep and get Frito off the mat and on his shoulder. Walter slams Frito into the mat, and that’s enough for James to run off, much to Walt’s delight.
The job of humiliating Frito done, Walt heads home, because it is time to party (He’s been skipping meals and working out constantly so he can fight in the under-200 pound division at the end of the month). In this case, party time means dancing with Adolf (That’s got to be the most intense, frightening dog dancing ever). Walt drinks some beer, and then an old friend, Steve, shows up, so they head to Tom’s house, one of Walter’s high school friends. After more beers at Tom’s house, the trio go to 2095, a hole-in-the-wall bar. The gang drinks a little bit, but 2095 is too full of punk posers, so Walt, Steve, and Tom leave the bar. On their way out, Walt gets called out by “this little itty-bitty guy named Joe”.
Walter mocks Joe’s short stature, slaps him on the ear, and then heads to Tom’s car. Joe gets livid and demands the bouncers call the cops on Walter for assaulting him, but the bouncers are Walt’s friends, so they ignore Joe. Joe rushes inside 2095 to get back-up while Walt, Tom, and Steve get in Tom’s car. Joe and twenty guys pour out of the bar and Walt wants to get out and kick all their asses. Tom’s having none of it, though, so they drive off.
Walt and Steve transfer into the Chevy Sprint, and it’s off to Jack’s Burgers for some late night food. The line is slow and Walt’s got to wait several minutes in front of the speaker with no response. A guy behind him in a van starts honking his horn and demanding Walter to just hurry up and order. The speaker finally comes on, Walt orders his four cheeseburgers (What happened to cutting down to under 200, Walt?), and the van-man, identified as a hippie, lays on the horn again after Walter pulls around to pay. Being too liberal with the horn must be one of Walter’s many throw-down vault combinations, because it’s GO TIME!
Walter gets out of his car and the hippies does the same. Walt charges, smashes past the open van door, and wraps up the hippie in a bear hug. Walter takes some hard shots to the head, but keeps a tight hold. Walter walks the hippie to the back of his van and slams him into the asphalt, taking more hard blows the entire time. Walt mounts the hippie and starts unloading with ground and pound. Walter notices Steve is bashing the hippie’s legs with a wooden baton, and Steve explains that the club was the source of the hippie’s power shots. This gets Walter even more pissed off, so he lands several more shots to the unconscious hippie’s swollen head before going back to the Sprint. Walt avoids main roads on the off chance the cops are on his tail, and makes it back to his house where he curls up with Adolf.
• Did Walter fight? Yes.
• Walter’s opponent – Hippie
• Did Walter get hit? Yes, 3 standing arm strikes
• Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 1 takedown, 9+ ground arm strikes (TKO)
Key lines: “I want knowledge from a place that on the surface seems brainless.”
I get the same feeling each time I open this book.
“The usual truthful black frankness seems to always come bubbling out of him.”
Walt, you really make me feel uncomfortable when you talk about other races and ethnicities.
“I suddenly spring into my double-leg penetration and get deep between his legs.”
So, it’s THAT kind of book. I can dig it, Walt.
“Shut up, you dumb little moron, before I knock you back to the stone age. You’re already as stupid as a caveman so you might as well look like one.”
Well, that was not only uncalled for, but a pretty awful insult, Walter.
“I’ve got Adolf on his hind legs with his front paws in my hands and we’re boogying down, dancing our asses off in the living room.”
MORE DOGGIE DANCING, WALTER!
“He was hungry enough to go to a late night drive-through, so the least I can do is put my fist in his mouth to chew on.”
Walt knows that fists are on the secret, unpublished menu of every restaurant he goes to.
“In a fight you go down like a Japanese aircraft carrier captain at the battle of Leyte Gulf.”
Yet another historical connection only a guy like Walter Foxx could make!
Chapter Ten – Road to Ruin:
Walter wakes up and he’s in a pickle because he’s supposed to do a ten minute presentation on Vietnam for his History Seminar class, but he spent the night before partying with friends instead of preparing. Walt tries to cram as much information about Vietnam into his head the hour before class starts. Walter gives an awful, rambling presentation that benefits nobody and rightly gets chewed out by his professor for it (I’m imagining it went down like this). Walt finishes the rest of the day at school, and then it’s off to the boxing gym for a light workout. He’s skipping meals because he’s got a fight coming up and Walter has to be less than 200 pounds in five days. Walt heads home and turns in early to make up for lost hours. By Friday, he’s met his goal and ready to fight. Unfortunately, everyone knows Walter is just a super heavyweight on a diet, so none of the heavyweights want to fight him. Walter doesn’t care and asks to fight a super heavyweight, despite giving up 50 pounds and four inches.
Walter’s opponent looks a lot more professional, with sponsors and legitimate-looking gear, while Walt boxes in wrestling shoes, a white wife beater, and hot pink shorts. Walt just wades in and starts unloading on the guy, winning every round handily. Late in the fight, Walter gets hit with an overhand right, and the referee is quick to administer a standing eight count. Confused, Walt keeps trying for the knockout, but takes another hard shot, and the ref calls the fight for the big guy by way of Technical Knock Out. Walter is pissed, but expected to be screwed over by the corrupt world of boxing. It does teach him that boxing is no longer a viable career option, which leaves him despondent.
Walt dives headlong back into a routine of school, training, and work, but restricts his partying to drinking at home and hanging out with Adolf. Walter keeps the garage door job, but is growing tired of the liquor store customers. On his way home from boxing training, Walter passes by a cop car that immediately pulls a U-turn and starts chasing after him. Walt manages to reach the residential highway, loses the cop, and makes it home. After splitting a sandwich with Adolf, Walter gets a call from his dad that the police are looking for him, with multiple cars at Walt’s dad’s house. Walter is shocked since he hasn’t fought anyone in a street-like setting in months and calls up his attorney, Barry Repel. Barry tells Walt to meet at the courthouse the next day, but just lay low for now.
Walter completely ignores his attorney’s advice and goes in to work. He’s on edge for his entire shift, constantly thinking the cops are going to swarm him at the liquor store. Walter tries to ease his nerves by pounding back beers. His shift finally over, Walt takes a twelve pack with him and worries about what the cops want as he drives home.
• Did Walter fight? Eh, he’s a bar brawler, not a boxer, so I’m not counting this.
Key lines: “If I could only tell you about last night, I would enlighten you children about real life and how we create our future history in the present, but instead I’m here to tell you about Vietnam.”
My future present has already happened in the history of next year’s past.
“The professor is a small Middle Eastern guy who calls himself a Palestinian and wears a red dishtowel on his head that makes him look a little like Yasser Arafat.”
Please stop talking about other cultures, Walter. I’m getting pretty uncomfortable.
“But it’s hard to get really hurt or hurt someone.”
Yeah, boxing has no history of guys dying in the ring or developing severe brain trauma after their careers are done.
“Now I’m back to crashing my fighter plane into the German countryside.”
I will admit, that is a pretty good description of Walter’s life.
“My best option now is to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand until I find a reason to pull it out.”
Like someone being slightly rude at a bar!
Be sure to visit With Leather again soon for Part 5, featuring chapters 11-13.